That's really really tough :( but I think you did the best you could. It's your mother's place, ultimately, right? And if both she and your wife wouldn't want him there, then there's not a lot you can do about it.

I know. That wouldn't make me feel better either. Sorry.

Without more information, I would think his future would be better in York than in Brooklyn.

As 'pode said, it's your mom's call. Also, the way these things often go, two weeks might turn into two months, that shelter place might not happen - particularly if he's living away from his home town, he might be seen to be settled elsewhere - and then what?

He's been seriously trying to get work for quite a while now. The problem is that 1. He's over qualified. He has a crapload of experience and his last long-term jobs paid him a lot for what he does. 2. He's union. And places these days don't want a union guy. See 1 for the reason. 3. He's a very abrasive person. He's the "speak my mind and fuck you" type. This is why neither the wife or the mom want him around. 4. He's very set in his ways and he pretty much alienated everyone that used to be his friend.

I love the man dearly. I can either ignore his being an asshole or tell him to get fucked. We went through a lot together early on in our friendship, and so I can deal with him. Not many others can. To me a friend is a friend. To others, well, I honestly don't blame them. He is a conservative Republican and has ""opinions". We have set rules for what we can and can't discuss. There have been times when either he or I have said fuck you and not spoke for a long while. But it's usually me that calls back and extends the olive branch. Because, honestly, long time friends are gold. Even if you hate their politics.

This is such a tough position. But by being a jerk, he's made it harder for people to want to help him. You've done all you can without seriously straining the relationships you have with the people in your life right now. Is your marriage or your relationship with your mom worth less than your friendship with this man?

Trisha, that was the bottom line. But I still feel like shit.

As well as I know all the bridges I have burned, I can assure you he is well aware of those he's undone.

Were you wrong to put the concerns of your wife and mother about the emotional safety of their home environment and a potential long-term real estate arrangement with someone who it sounds like isn't all that stable a guy above a friendship that, frankly, sounds like it hasn't been all that good to you?

Put me in the 'hell, no' category. Maybe it's because I identify with your wife and/or mother in this situation, but life is hard enough without letting troublesome people even closer to you than fate has made them. And Senyar's definitely right - with people in trouble who don't have an income, short-term living arrangements tend to extend until, well, someone gets tired of it and kicks the person out.

He's a very abrasive person. He's the "speak my mind and fuck you" type. This is why neither the wife or the mom want him around. 4. He's very set in his ways and he pretty much alienated everyone that used to be his friend.

That just sounds utterly toxic to me. I am sorry this guy is in a bad situation, but it may be that he really needs to face the burned bridges in his life and start to work on himself. I know it's harsh but really, we can't drag one another through life, no matter how much we care. You can certainly say "I really care about you, but I can't offer you a place to stay. Let me know what else I can do to be of help because I want to see you in a better place." You can make it clear you are ready to offer your friendship and a reasonable amount of assistance. But you don't owe him anything, especially when he's taken your goodwill in the past and showed that it wasn't so worth it to him at the time to keep it. You've already been more than generous.

I know it sucks, but you didn't create his bad situation. In fact you had absolutely nothing to do with it.

I have an opinion that might not be all that helpful. In the end, you have to decide what you can realistically do for your friend. Only you can decide what that is.

Here's my opinion:
1. Stop drinking. Beer since noon solves nothing and only makes the emotional situation worse for you.

2. You have no power over what the wife and mom will allow. You tried. The question is, have you done EVERYTHING you can?
a) sending money was one thing to help.
b) helping him with getting the services he needs is another thing you can do.
c) How might you help with his finding employment? Can he borrow your internet? Maybe resume and cover letter feed-back? How bout making sure he has access to a printer, envelopes, presentable paper, and especially stamps. Can he use your cell number as a contact for employers if he doesn't have one?
d) Laundry and showers. He'll need to prepare for interviews. I've used truck stops in the past. The showers are cheep and private.
e) Does he have transportation? Maybe you can help with rides if he stays in NY.

I hope I haven't over-advised or made silly suggestions. I've been homeless and looking for work in the past and the things I've listed where the things I needed the most but often could not find.

You're a good friend, Splung. You're wound up about this because you care deeply for your friend's well-being. If you can do nothing else for him, just stay in contact and be there to listen, to help him feel that the entire world has not abandoned him.

Wow, good advice MonkeyButter.

Hugs Splunge.

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. It sounds to me like your friend (like many of us) is his own worst enemy and, until he accepts that he is the one that has a problem, not the rest of the world, life is not going to get better for him.

It seems like you're doing all you can - in the end, you have more responsibility to your family than to your friend and it's clear that you've had to make a choice there and (IMO) made the right one. You can still help with some of the things that MonkeyButter mentioned, but the rest is up to him.

Sometimes, people have to travel all the way to the bottom before they see the way up. I hope your friend can get to the point where he can see he needs to help himself before expecting others to do so. An example is the overqualified/union thing - if he can swallow his pride enough to do so, he needs to downplay his qualifications to suit the jobs he is applying for and may need to ditch the union membership if that is what it takes. From what you've said, I guess he's unlikely to do so out of pride, though. He needs to come to the realisation that his old life is over and he needs to do whatever he has to do to get started over. Only then will he be in a position to start climbing out of that hole.

This sounds like a classic example of the saying that, when you are deep in a hole, the best thing to do is stop digging.

Can't save 'em all, dude.

You're a good person. The world needs more people like you.

dg said it far more kindly than I.

Both Miko and dg said it more kindly than I would have. Family comes first. If you can help the way MonkeyButter suggests, that would be great. But really, you've done the right thing, Splunge.

You made the right decision. Family has to come first.

Family before friends. Still, hugs. It sucks when you can't help someone you care about.

Lots of good advice in this thread. And I'm sorry for not realizing that what you needed was confirmation that you made the right decision.

That wasn't it really, sorry if I came off that way. Honestly this is totally off my radar all of a sudden. I just found out that my mother has lung cancer. Puts things in perspective.

Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Splunge. Hugs to your family.

Oh god. ((((Splunge))))

Oh, dear. ((hugs))

*hugs*

(((Splunge)))

Oh, Splunge, I'm so sorry! (((Splunge))) Be good to yourself.

Oh damn, Splunge... so sorry.

Thanks for your thoughts. I am unable to sleep. And so I came here where the bunnies are and see your support and it lifts a bit from my shoulders. Thanks again. I love you folks.

I hope you won't mind if i vent here since I really don't have anyone awake now. It's just strange. So my wife was flying back from a European vacation. And my cousin, who is a lawyer arrived as well. Also, I was talking to my brother's fiancee who I insulted in a drunken stupor at my father's funeral. That's another story, let's just say that I was a complete asshole because I was devastated seeing my father in an open casket although we had asked for a closed one.

Anyway, I'm finally fixing things with my brother's fiancee and I hear my bird go crazy. Of course she heard my wife talking outside. So I can't hang up on the fiancee. And I don't. Because we are talking about the news about mom. I guess things like this will bring people together.

Finally I get off the phone and the first words out of the wife's mouth are, "Where the fuck were you?" She wanted me to help with the luggage.

I just started laughing like a lunatic. BTW the wife was with her sister who was on the trip with her.

So I'm laughing like I'm about to literally lose it. And the bird flies out and lands on the wife's head. So her sister cracks up. The wife starts laughing. And I give my wife a big hug.

And the bird starts screaming that she wants a bath. That would be, "Splish splash! Splish splash! Splish splash!"

I'll be damned if it wasn't like the end of a shitty sitcom. I swear to anything that you would like that I can't believe this myself.

Anyway, time for nite nite. As Scooby would say.