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24 August 2011

I like you. You're important. You matter. →[More:]

We were talking in IRC today about dealing with bad news. Whenever something negative happens to me, I try to turn it into a positive.

I saw a man on the subway this morning who could have been my father's doppleganger. If my father were the type to hold down a desk job, be reliable, and stay in my life (if not with my mother). When I miss someone who's not around anymore, I try to reach out to someone who is around but has maybe drifted out of my life. Even if it's just a facebook like or wall post or something. Whenever I feel some anxiety or worry, I turn it around and try to imagine someone else feels that way, and what would I want someone to do for me when I'm feeling that? And then I try to do it for someone. Even if it's just a smile at a frazzled person on a train platform. Something that says, "I may not understand what you're going through, but I understand we're all going through something" (variation on the "everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" thing).

How do you tell people that they're a good person, that you like them, that they matter? Little ways or big ways are ok. Any ways that you turn a negative or a worry into something positive. Just curious.

(The title of this post goes for all of you, even if I don't always say it (or know how to say it) individually. I'm really lucky to have the bunnies in my life.)

post by: Eideteker at: 10:51 | 22 comments

I was originally going to post something sad this morning, but I decided I wanted to turn it into something positive. Let the heartwarming begin!

posted by Eideteker 24 August | 10:52

How do you tell people that they're a good person, that you like them, that they matter?

In real life, just acknowledging others' existence, "Hey, Fred!", is all we generally need do. In a romance, a brief touch conveys volumes. These kinds of communications are missing from online connections.

posted by Ardiril 24 August | 11:04

You are a wonderful person and I'm glad you're around, Eideteker.

posted by Miko 24 August | 11:15

Hey, Eideteker: you don't know it, but not long ago you made a passing remark that brightened my spirits for several days. It's kinda crazy how one little pleasantry made me feel so chipper.

So that reaching-out thing? You're doing it even when you don't know you are.

In general, I love this place --- or, to be more precise, I love knowing all the people who come together here. I feel so lucky to be part of a community where we can turn for support, for celebration, and for sorrow. Very often, if I'm feeling blue or unsettled or GRARRY, MetaChat will brighten me up and remind me that I like the world.

posted by Elsa 24 August | 11:22

I find it really difficult to tell people I know that I like them, they're important, etc. I have this fear of seeming needy, and somehow I think that if I tell people that they matter to me, it'll drive them away.

I am so lucky to have the friends I have, including you, Eid. You are one of the best people I know.

posted by Senyar 24 August | 11:28

... group hug?

GROUP HUG!

posted by Elsa 24 August | 11:29

Also, sad is OK. No need to keep it from me.

posted by Obscure Reference 24 August | 12:06

I don't think I have many startling insights about other people's character or manner or motive -- what I notice tends to be what everybody notices -- but I make sure to tell them as often as possible, "This is why I love you," in some way or another.

posted by Hugh Janus 24 August | 12:19

I actually usually say "I like you; you're important and my life is better for having had you in it." It's totally awkward, but it's sincere and I'm generally awkward, so so far it's worked for me.

posted by crush-onastick 24 August | 12:25

I listen. I simply try to give them the freedom to say whatever is on their mind - and hear it from their point of view.

I also try to always engage in some sort of chatter with people / workers at places such as the grocery. I'm a sucker for old folks who look lost or lonely.

posted by mightshould 24 August | 12:51

I don't think I have many startling insights about other people's character or manner or motive -- what I notice tends to be what everybody notices -- but I make sure to tell them as often as possible, "This is why I love you," in some way or another.

This is exactly it. I don't think it requires any special insight. It's just so easy to do harm thoughtlessly. Doing good takes a little bit of thoughtfulness, and just a little bit of effort.

A simple, "Thanks," due to its rarity, is still valuable.

And sheesh, you guys. I wasn't looking to make this thread about me (I save my fishing for compliments for IRC). Still, I thank you for your kind words. You're all excellent.

posted by Eideteker 24 August | 13:05

These kinds of communications are missing from online connections.

But do they have to be? I don't think they do, and that's sort of what this thread is about. It's already clear that there are lots of little things we all do for each other, even online, to remind us all of the ways in which we're special.

I listen. I simply try to give them the freedom to say whatever is on their mind - and hear it from their point of view.

Yup. I've been told this is one of my gifts, so I try to share it whenever. And I agree about engaging people in your everyday life. There's a great scene in Waking Life where two of the characters talk about being like ants, antennae bouncing off each other as we go through our preprogrammed daily tasks, rather than acknowledging the "confrontation between their souls."

... group hug?

C'mon, like you need to ask. =P

posted by Eideteker 24 August | 13:14

Make eye contact, listen, say thank you for X (be specific), hugs (when appropriate), a real smile (not just a reflex).

To steal a bit from crush-onastick: I like having you bunnies in my life. You have made me a better person.

posted by deborah 24 August | 13:47

I listen. I simply try to give them the freedom to say whatever is on their mind - and hear it from their point of view.

I also try to always engage in some sort of chatter with people / workers at places such as the grocery. I'm a sucker for old folks who look lost or lonely.
posted by mightshould 24 August | 12:51

I'm a good listener too, but I've also found that with some friends, they unload all their woes on me. We'll meet for dinner or something and they go on and on about everything that's wrong with their job, their family, their relationships, their friends, their lives, but I don't know who I would let off steam to in person - I know I can do it here. Sometimes I feel as if I'm carrying a lot of other people's secrets.

I also like to engage with people in stores or on my commute, usually women (I'm really shy with men, unless they're old).

posted by Senyar 24 August | 13:52

I get that too Senyar. Maybe it's my fault for not wanting to unload my problems on others (because bizzarly I don't trust that they will really get how sensitive I am about truly revealing inner thoughts.)

There's been one person in my life with whom I've been completely unguarded and I am trying to be more open to others. MeChat is a good place to start for me.

Big group hug and thanks to Eideteker for starting this conversation.

posted by mightshould 24 August | 16:31

I let people know how I feel about them by letting them know I've noticed something they've done or to let them know that I thought a particular way they thought or think about a thing is interesting or neat.

For example: I like each of the people at Mecha and If I saw them all in one place IRL, I would say, "I like you, sometimes you're a little odd. I've noticed that when people are a little odd, they also usually have something very special about them."

Here's another:
It is accurate to say that I have few if anyone I can really count on in life. The people around me are not the kind I can really talk to or count on to "get it."

Now, I know I don't much participate here on Mecha. I visit throughout each day but rarely feel I have anything significant to offer. BUT, I can count on Mecha - each one of you - to be here when I visit. I learn something every day from you, your insights, your jokes, your willingness to comradery even among your newest members. You fill my heart because even though this is a virtual community, you've shown me your hearts and for me, that makes you all very, very real to me.

posted by MonkeyButter 24 August | 16:58

Big group hug and thanks to Eideteker for starting this conversation.

I'm just your humble servant.

posted by Eideteker 24 August | 19:50

This reminds me of one time many years ago when I was living in Toronto . I was on the subway home and I saw this girl who was bawling her eyes out . You could tell with her every breath that she was in the middle of a serious crisis in her life . Just before I made my exit , I handed her some roses that I was going to give to my girlfriend, because she really needed them more . It really put a smile on her face and it made me feel good. I did make the mistake of telling my girlfriend what I had done, which quickly led to our breakup, but all in all, I'd say it all worked out for the best

posted by rollick 24 August | 20:26

What a fantastic thread; Eid, you rock. In fact, you MetaChatters, you MeChazens, you crazy kids, you are wonderful people, and this place is an oasis of something good. Thank you all very much.

posted by theora55 24 August | 21:02

rollick, that was very sweet. If the mister came home and told me that, I'd love him all the more.

posted by deborah 24 August | 22:24

Yeah, rollick. You did the right thing, my man. I would have done the same, and I wouldn't want to be with someone who had a problem with it.

posted by Eideteker 24 August | 22:37

rollick, word. I agree that I wouldn't dump someone over this sort of thing, but I will add for the future that maybe handing the crying girl one flower out of the several your girlfriend was going to get could have made you a hero to both women! :)

As far as appreciation, etc., goes, I definitely try not to take that sort of thing for granted anymore. One of my favorite phrases is "Thank you, kindly" (courtesy of Due South and the delicious Paul Gross) and I use it all the time at work, when shopping, when getting out of cabs and buses, etc. Thank you for driving safely enough to get me to my destination. Thank you for ringing up my purchases. Thank you for getting back to me by email or following up on the phone. Little things like that, you know?

posted by TrishaLynn 25 August | 08:43

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