Strangely I think I would. One of my sorta guilty pleasures is the In Death series by JD Robb, and that is actually a scenario she trotted out awhile ago -- that one of her characters, a very wonderful female doctor, falls hard for a professional male sex worker.

The thing is, there's a huge difference between sexual involvement and emotional involvement. I am absolutely not OK with emotional involvement. Professional sexual involvement is more like handling sewage for a living - not an appealing occupation for a partner, but not a deal breaker either.

That would be a deal breaker for me.

But bearwife, if you met someone, and there was that little spark, and you found out that this person does this sort of work, would you allow yourself to get involved?

I am honestly trying to figure out what was in the boyfriend's head. Maybe he thought that he could handle it, going in. The woman (on the basis of the phone call) sounded really smart and very cool, and is in love with this guy, AND is making a good living doing what she is doing, and does not know what else she'd do to make equal money.

Being friends with a sex-worker would be fine, there's nothing wrong with that line of work. But I couldn't be an intimate partner with one.

i don't see how it's complex. if you don't want your partner having sexual interactions with other people then yo don't want them doing it for money either

As a sidebar to this question, what about a spouse who is an actor, and has to get pretty darn physical with another actor?

I would not say it is an automatic dealbreaker, but this is one of those careers where level of professionalism, particularly concerning general health and hygiene, would matter a great deal.

Yes, I'd have concerns like Ardiril's. But sex workers are doing a job. If that's all that is going on, it wouldn't rule out a relationship with me.

God help my Bear if he did the Weiner thing or started flirting with a co worker or otherwise stopped thinking of me as the one and only woman in his life, though.

These are different things. That we use sex to express love doesn't mean that sort of emotion is always in play.

I'm pretty jealous, so I'd say no. However, I also read the "In Death" series and if sex work today were seen in the positive light that it is in the series, I hope I'd be more inclined to be okay with it.

I think it would be a deal breaker for me.

It would be a deal-breaker for me with regard to an emotional attachment - not because I have any problem with people in that line of work, but because I would be too jealous and insecure. I would have no problem with a friendship or any relationship that didn't have intimacy as an integral part of the relationship.

how would you feel if your partner were involved with sex work?

Dealbreaker for me in an intimate relationship.

I am honestly trying to figure out what was in the boyfriend's head. Maybe he thought that he could handle it, going in.

Maybe, or maybe he's just not good at identifying and articulating his boundaries, or maybe he's just discovered them. Sucky situation to be in, but he doesn't have to be in it, after all. And as for her, this choice of work will probably limit her available romantic partners.

and does not know what else she'd do to make equal money.

Well, she probably can't make equal money outside this profession, and that's the real problem I have with sex work. Not that it's dirty or wrong, but it's profoundly unequal labor.

I've been there. I wouldn't (and couldn't) deal with it . It ended very, very sadly

Hell, I am a sex worker.

It flowed naturally from being such a sex machine.

Then there's those sex clock-watchers, and sex procrastinators.

I think my reaction would depend entirely on the specifics: the person, the exact nature of the job, and how the person expresses him/herself about the job.

I suppose this reveals more about my own prejudices and preconceptions about different kinds of sex work than anything. For example, I could well imagine being comfortable dating a sex therapist or sexual surrogate, but I'm probably too closed-minded to enter a relationship with someone who engages in other kinds of sex work.

To clarify, I wouldn't call a sex therapist a "sex worker." I'd think of them as a mental health worker. To me, sex worker implies direct involvement in sex acts.

"Certified sex therapists do not have sexual contact with clients, in the office or anywhere else. Sexual coaching that involves physical contact isn't considered part of mainstream sex therapy."

...but I wouldn't date a surrogate either, and I do think that is sex work, though intended to be therapeutic in nature. In fact, I remember a long MeFi thread about sex surrogacy in which most of the surrogates mentioned in the articles acknowledged the difficulty of having their own intimate relationships because of the work, and most seemed to be pretty lonely about it.

Right, I meant to specify only sexual surrogate, not generalize to sexual therapist/sexual surrogate, since they're likely to be very different pursuits.

I'd imagine there would be issues concerning sexuality, control, and other factors that would emerge within the "real" relationship. I don't think becoming a sex worker is as neutral a choice as people would like to think it is.

No, I wouldn't. To me sex as anything but an expression of love is pretty distasteful, and I wouldn't want to be intimate with someone who used it for commerce, just as I wouldn't want to be intimate with someone who used it as a weapon or any other tool.

Deal breaker for me.

I'd have no problem dating a non-porn actor, to answer JanetLand's question. Unlike sex work, none of the acting participants' main goals is sexual gratification, so that just seems very different to me.

To add to what Miko and DMelanogaster said, I wonder if the surrogates acknowledging difficulties chose their work for reasons (e.g. need for control) that contributed to their intimacy problems. That is, the cause-effect relationship wasn't only in one direction.

I don't think actors compare. Actors work with other actors, not clients seeking sexual activity. Everyone shares the same understanding of the interaction, and everyone (or maybe in the world of actors in my own personal life, no one) is being paid, so the participants are on equal footing.

On the other hand, a sex slacker is not so great either. tips hat to Miko.

Also, Hugh has it exactly right. Sex for fun, even, is okay, but for money, favors, etc., is not.

Deal breaker. Though I guess if there was no actual physical contact involved, like phone or web sex for money, or even exotic dancing, it might not bother me so much. Seems more like performance then (so to speak).

I once jokingly insinuated I would consider joining a couple (I was friends with the girl) for sex for five thousand dollars, and they were actually interested. As broke as I was, I still said no, but five grand, man. It's nice to know I could command that kind of money, once upon a time (I was younger and thinner then). It may also have involved a whip.

Jesus Christos. There's no sexual activity on earth, or sexual partner on earth, worth $5K to me. What it must be like to have that much to blow on a roll in the hay...

Yeah, the guy in the relationship made a lot of money (what, are you saying I'm not worth it? ; )

They were also rather experimental in their sex lives.

I might go 5k for George Clooney.

It would be a dealbreaker for me, too.

I've been trying to articulate in my mind exactly why, so this might be a bit rambly and derail-y. But.

You know how some people say "oh, the sex isn't the most important thing to me, it's the *relationship*, or the *emotional connection*" or whatever? And they insinuate that emotional infidelity for them, would be way worse to deal with than sexual infidelity? That's not me at all.

(note: I am NOT calling the hypothetical that danf posited infidelity, I'm just talking about where my mind is around this stuff in general)

Because our sex life (and the resulting daughter from it :) ) is the one thing that my husband and I share that is only ours. Emotional connection? My husband is one of my best friends, but he isn't my best friend. I have emotional connections as deep as the one with him with other people. Now, packaged as a whole, my relationship with my husband is closer than with anyone else, because it includes the emotional connection, the sex life, the living as a family. But if you isolated the sexual bit, and he was doing that with someone else, even paid, then you're taking away the *only* thing that I get to share with him and him alone.

So that's why, I think.

I was trying to think why, too, and for me it comes down to the same attitude I have about polyamory: it's just not where I want to put my energy. A relationship that involves something more complicated than two people agreeing on an exclusive sexual relationship inherently demands a new level of discussion, negotiation, decisionmaking, boundary drawing, benchmarking, unexpected-emotion handling, etc. That's all well and good if it's worth it to you and you're the kind of person who would be willing to spend that much time on relationship hygeine.

I'm just not that kind of person. I tend to feel like I have a certain amount of intellectual and emotional energy in life, and that it's kind of finite, as are the hours in a day. And I would just much rather use those energies and hours on something other than the details of my sexual arrangement with my partner. There's too much else good stuff to do, and I want to feel supported and nurtured while doing it, but not make the relationship a central focus of my daily life by doing that much arranging. I definitely prefer simplicity and steadiness in my closest, most intimate relationships, and choose not to invite the inevitable complications and confusions that would arise in a relationship with a sex worker. I'm sure it's possible to adapt emotionally, but it's actually not a direction I want to adapt in. That energy could be working on other abilities and projects which I value more.

That, and, like DMelanogaster, I also don't think the career is a "neutral" choice - even at its best and most fair, the choice correlates with other values and attitudes that I just don't share, so I wouldn't want them in a life partner. The very idea that someone could compartmentalize this kind of work is in itself a disincentive to trying to have an intimate relationship with them.

I have been thinking, and remembering that once I entered into a situation which, while not like this, was similar.

I went in, knowing of certain conditions, and my attraction to the person made me ignore some emotional red flags. When those red flags came due, there was a lot of suffering on my part, and my (protracted) leaving caused a lot of suffering on this person's part.

So, upon reflection, I can sorta see the guy's mindset. He's attracted, and manages to compartmentalize, up front, the "cost of doing business" in this relationship. Until the bill came due.

i listened to this after reading your question and I have to answer that I don't know. For me to get into a serious relationship with someone, there would have to be an unusual connection between us and that is rare enough, it seems. Sometimes I am possessive, most times I am not, and it would depend on the person's professionalism about the whole thing and, hell, the whole things seems very individual. I would not date a careless sex worker with boundary issues and a need for drama. If someone was the total package and happened to be a sex worker, I would consider it.
Right now I tend to avoid anything that would be complicated or troublesome, but everyone has their share of issues and troubles the more you get to know them.
If I found that irrepressible spark with anyone, I would follow it. If it turned out to be with a sex worker, I'd have a lot of questions, but I think I'd have a lot of questions anyway.
The woman on the show seemed to mostly give hand jobs and I don't think I would have much of a problem with that. I'm wondering how much of a difference it would be between a male and female sex worker, though. It would be so dependent on the individual in question.
I don't know how long that woman's relationship is going to last.