Are kids involved? If so, then it's a tossup. If not, however, and if total assets are less than 5 times the cost of the lawyer, then one lawyer is enough.

In a situation like you describe, when the partner has shown himself to be untrustworthy, I would most definitely want to have my own lawyer.

My ex- and I were as amicable as divorcing people can be and we still both had lawyers. Just because you have representation doesn't mean that you're in a big fight; it's just nice for piece of mind that someone you trust has read through the agreement to make sure that you're not doing anything stupid. Lawyers aren't all that expensive, I only paid $200US to have the agreement that my ex's lawyer wrote up proof-read and commented on. That was '98 so bump up a little for inflation.

I don't know about the keylogging, that might be shaky legally. I don't know where she is but in my state (USA), the evidence about infidelity is only useful if you're suing in a contested divorce. If you're mutually agreeing to a no-fault divorce, the court doesn't need to know about the reasons for it. You just have the lawyers write up an agreement over property divisions which might take some back and forth and then you file the application and in a few weeks the court mails you back the divorce decree.

I say she should get her own lawyer, because she doesn't want someone whose duties are divided equally between two parties. According to my boyfriend who is an attorney here in NYC:

A) If she's thinking of using a keylogger, she already needs her own lawyer because an attorney they get together wouldn't be able to use any evidence she acquires from it in confidence against the other person due to their having waived the conflict of interest issue away.

B) In order for one lawyer to willing to be completely willing to represent two parties, the two parties have to be open with one another regarding exactly what they want out of the divorce and in complete accordance with one another. If there's already a breach of trust with respect to marital fidelity, then there may not be a whole lot of trust in a lot of other things.

And going back to my non-professional opinion, I'd want someone who was totally in my corner and would fight hard for me and not anyone else.

Also, a lawyer that she gets might be able to tell her whether or not using a keylogger is only a minor offense of in breach of local, state, and/or federal wire tap laws. And, if the other party finds out that she did it, then it may cause more resentment and it would be harder to get more concessions from the husband —> Still from the boyfriend

I strongly suggest she get her own lawyer.

The best option is for them to have legally binding arbitration which can sometimes spare you legal fees. That said, if you're in a situation where using keyloggers seems to anyone to be a sensible thing to do, you are in lawyer territory. Your friend may want to check and see if they have lawyer consult options available in her workplace [free 30 min, that sort of thing] which would be a good outside perspective. I had a lawyerless divorce in 1999 where we did not have a single contested issue just "here, sign these papers" "Okay" and if there is any point of contention, I would not suggest this at all.

Both parties need to get their have the option to get their own lawyers.

When my ex and I split up, we didn't have much to split and were very amicable, so we did most of the work ourselves. I ended up going to a lawyer for an hour or so, total, just to make sure I had covered all of the bases in my paperwork, and her advice was helpful to both of us. She did not represent me in court or draft anything for me.

HOWEVER. She made it abundantly clear that she was representing ME. "But we're amicable," I said.

"Right, but you don't know if that will change down the line, or if something you've forgotten to put in now will make things get dramatic in the future," she said. "It's great that you're not fighting, but I am here as YOUR advocate, and in that capacity I am looking out for you and nobody else."

As others have said, it's important that they both have their own lawyers. It's worth the money. When my first husband and I were getting divorced, we tried to use the same attorney, but after the lawyer acted like an ass towards me, it was clear I needed my own. We were fairly amicable, too, but having my own attorney made sure all the bases were covered. (And ladies, don't be shocked by how quickly your soon-to-be-ex, and his family, will likely no longer give two shits about you; I know I was surprised by this -- I think women in general have trouble letting go of this expectation, but amicable or not, it is a divorce.)

Also, cheating doesn't have to be the end, IMHO. It can even be the beginning of something better. Depends on circumstances, though, of course. And it certainly hurts like he'll. But the hurt can pass.

(um, hell -- blasted autocorrect... Kind of poetic, though)

Former divorce lawyer here. In the UK both parties are not allowed to have the same lawyer, because of conflict of interest.

For example: Lawyer says to wife "take him for every penny". Same lawyer says to husband: "offer her the absolute minimum"

Hence, both parties need their own separate independent advice.

In the UK evidence garnered by keylogging is inadmissible. Documents found lying around and copied are fine, but you can't use stealth or break into a cabinet or briefcase to get hold of documents.

Whether or not such evidence is admissible in the situation you mention depends on the laws in the jurisdiction in which you live.

A coworker who just got divorced shared a lawyer with her husband. They did this because they were trying to keep things friendly for the kids. Problem is, they tried to keep things friendly, and she ended up getting screwed. Won't go into detail about how, but it would have worked out much better for her if she had a lawyer who was fighting just for her.

Nthing that her own lawyer is critical regardless of how friendly it is (and it doesn't sound friendly at al), because her interests are in direct conflict with his. She should discuss ideas like key logging -- which may be illegal depending on local law -- with counsel . I'd suggest staying disengaged with discussing plans like that yourself.

Don't be surprised, however, if the judge doesn't want to hear anything about cheating and just wants to see a divided property list.

Thanks everyone. No kids, and Indiana is a no-fault state and I've been saying get your own lawyer, but she wanted me to ask "those medafilter people" what she should do. I think she just wants the keylogger to find out the girl's name and stuff... it's only going to hurt her more, I think. He and the lawyer have made an offer to her of x amount each month and she wanted to know if she should just take it, and I said get a lawyer. The lawyer can look for hidden bank accounts and stuff too. Also he keeps saying he doesn't want to screw her over and I keep telling her it doesn't matter what he says, it matters what she gets in writing.

As far as the cheating being the end... it is not the first time in their 20 years of marriage, and he says he is tired of being in a loveless marriage so he's leaving her for a girl he knew in high school that he never got to date. Also, he asked his wife's sister, and hell he even asked me (which she knew), for sex. He is nothing but a pervert. When he announced he wanted a divorce, his wife slapped him and he threw her across the kitchen and she ended up on the floor... she is still limping badly. Good riddance, we all say.

Tell her to get her own lawyer, to protect herself. My husband cheated, I had proof, but I didn't have a lawyer: I didn't get everything I wanted, even though my husband didn't show up and I had emails where he aknowledged the divorce date and the fact that he wasn't coming. I even got grilled on all sorts of things by the judge (she was a bitch). I don't think she even looked at the infidelity evidence I had (I don't think it goes in your favor, it's just the reason for the divorce. I sure as heck wasn't waiting 18 months for him to keep torturing me emotionally just for a no-fault divorce).

You never know all the little legal aspects yourself, no matter how much he promises the moon and stars. She needs a bull-dog lawyer to make sure she gets everything she's entitled to.

Sorry. I'm still a bit bitter.

No apology necessary, redvixen.

Actually they need to sell their house which may take some time, and she might benefit from stalling a little because once they've been married for 20 years (this December) she is eligible for half his social security... or so she tells me. Though he is not old enough for SS yet. She'll have to check with her attorney on that.

I am encouraging her to get her own lawyer and I've told her the mefi consensus is to get one.

Throwing someone across the room in response to being slapped isn't self defense, it's domestic violence. She most definitely needs a lawyer. And I'd encourage a protection order ASAP too.

The throwing across the room thing seems like a vital piece of information that you didn't mention at first. There's no amicability possible if he did that.

Under those circumstances, good riddance is right... it may be a case of loving the person she wishes he was rather than the person he is... all the best to her for a happy new life.