I'm in favor of offering mindless fun, unless they would feel guilty afterwards.

Holy cats, what a wonderful and difficult thing to be asked to do.

For what it's worth, I did lose my dad at 13, but there are some big differences, so I'm not sure that I can really relate my experience to what these kids are going to go through.

One thing I do feel strongly about, and I think it applies here, is that kids' have to be allowed to feel their emotions. Even in trying to help my girls (who are now 7 and 9) deal with my split, I've tried, as sadness has come up to let them know that their sadness is allowed, and that while it DOES suck, and that each day, it'll get a little better.

Sometimes life hands us thing that are entirely beyond our control. We have to accept them, because we can't change them, but...we also need to acknowledge that they suck and make us sad. You know what I mean? It's entirely appropriate to be sad when these shitty things happen. It'd be weirder if you weren't. I think we forget that sometimes and don't allow ourselves to feel shitty when shitty things happen. So...yeah, by all means offer them distraction, I think, but just let them accept the sadness they are undoubtedly doing to feel? I hope that makes some sense...I'm kinda free-wheelin' here.

The thing that I think is a bad thing...I've heard adults try to force kids to ignore their shitty feelings, which I think handicaps them as they grow. Better to learn that pain subsides as we process it, than forcing us to NOT acknowledge it.

I think it would be welcome to get a break from feeling sad, but also do recognize what richat is saying, that it's OK to feel their feelings. You should probably go ahead and offer these things -- or maybe a range of limited choices, like 3 different things with different moods such as "iMax, arcade, hike in the woods, or aquarium?" -- but make sure everyone knows there's no expectation that they act happy every second or feel a certain way, that all questions/observations are acccepted and taken seriously, no matter what, and that if anybody gets anxious it's OK to change plans and do something different or go home. It seems to me that your demonstrating caring and thoughtfulness for the kids will be so appreciated by them. In a way, I think there's something very powerful and loving about your being able to demonstrate that, even in the mouth of the wolf, life must be lived, and that their world can always be full of people who care about them, no matter what.

Oh, and just to be more clear about the actual question you asked. I'd say, fuck yeah, offer them distraction and cool stuff.

One of the best parts of my memories of losing my dad is being driven away from the cemetery by his oldest friend, in a cheesy sportscar, listening to Jerry Lee Lewis really loud, while his friend told me stuff I didn't know about my dad, including the fact that my dad really liked Jerry Lee.

My brother-in-law died of cancer two years ago. One of my auntly tasks (and it was a joy, insofar as anything spurred by sorrow can be) was to step up the hanging-out with his teenaged daughter (older than the kids you're hoping to help, so keep that in mind). I took her to a local movie premiere, to rent videos, to the bookstore, to the library, over to my place for pizza and DVDs.

I think it helped her to know that there was someone other than her sick, tired dad and her overworked, tired mom, a grown-up who could do the grown-up things but who also was happy to do silly stuff. She also knew that if she didn't feel like doing the silly stuff, that was always okay.

One thing that I think was important to her: I made it clear that we could talk about anything, that I wouldn't ignore the terrible stuff happening at home, but that I would let her direct any conversations we had about that. When she wanted to talk, we would talk. When she wanted to let it go, we would let it go.

(Therapist who worked with a lot of kids as a grief counselor:) It varies a lot by individual and by age, but I think kids (especially younger kids) tend to process grief in smaller chunks than adults. So it'd be normal for them to be overcome for a bit (hours, minutes), then want to go do something fun and forget about the grief. The forgetting part can be a healthy part of coping, a way for their minds and hearts and bodies to take a break and recoup. Adult brains have ways of taking those breaks that don't necessarily require external stimulation; children's brains haven't developed that functionality yet.

I think it's great to balance out time to be sad with time being a kid, or at least taking a break from being sad. As others have said, making sure that the kids are getting a balance of being allowed to feel sad/mad/hurt as well as happy/tired/distracted is good. I'd also keep in mind that given their different ages, the two kids will probably process their grief very differently, so trying to balance out their individual needs would be good, too.

One of the things we used to ask adults clients to do was to make up a list of their friends, and label each one as "Listener," "Doer," or Distracter," and then to call up the listeners when they needed emotional support, the doers when they needed practical help, and the distracters when they needed a break -- but always to keep in mind that they really were going to need all three kinds of help. It sounds like you're trying to make sure these kids get all three, which is a really great thing to work toward.

Thank you for all of your wonderful anecdotes and wisdom. I love you all. Keep them coming. I am off to pick up the kids from the hospital right now. I don't think it will be long now. :(

Re: Occhiblu's label as listener, doer and distracter, I think I am definitely falling into the 'distracter' role for the kids these days. I have always been the fun one who lets the lil' ones break the rules they might have at home (within reason of course, but it keeps me popular with the under-10 set). I don't want to be all, whoopee, let's have fun, kids! But I also don't want to be a downer (because I am sad mom is going, and i don't know how to appropriately express it). Gah, fucking fuck. I hate cancer.

msali, it might also be a good idea to let the kids see some of your own grief -- not at its most extreme, certainly -- so that even if your main role is helping distract them, they'll know (as Elsa talks about it), that they can talk to you about their sad feelings, too.

*Hugs* Cancer sucks, grief sucks, and good on you for doing what you can to help.

*hug* I'm so sorry, msali. This is a good thing you're doing, for the kids and for your friends. Probably for yourself, too. Take care.

You're a good person and a good friend, msali. Hugs to you.

You'll do god, msali. Hugs to you and your young charges.

I don't know how to answer this except to say that you rock, msali.

*hugs* Nthing everyone who says it's okay to let them know you're sad about this too.

You might want to also consider a way to give both of them some one on one adult time or outing time. They might need to talk to an adult without worrying about alarming the other or being ashamed of their feelings.

I'm so sorry, and best of luck. You're stepping into a very difficult role.

I think an important thing is to let them know they don't have to be sad all the time. Yes, what they're going through is a sad thing, but laughing is good too.

You're a wonderful person for doing this, msali.

On preview: what punchtothehead said. One-on-one time is a great idea.


Cancer has been doing it's thing to my family, too. FUCK CANCER!

My mother was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer when I was 14. I was the oldest of 4 kids (ages 10, 6 and 4). She survived, she's doing great now (20++ years later). Fun and distraction was necessary for us, I think. I also needed validation for my less noble (boys, bitchy frenemies) concerns. Although my mom turned out to be OK, it was uncertain enough that my mom and stepdad sat me down for a discussion about what would happen to our family if she died. When she was undergoing chemo, we really didn't know if she was going to make it.

Your situation is different, of course. But don't be afraid to give them something positive to look back on.

Hey y'all, just wanted to let you know how the day played out.
First, thanks for all of your wonderful words, I appreciate them so much.

In the end, I only ended up with the 12 year old, which ended up being about 12 kinds of awesome. She and I went to the mall, and we talked about music and dances and boys and clothes and nail polish and bffs and Nikki Minaj and and and and, you get the picture.

We shopped. We ate. We did homework. We went to dance practice. Then we came home and played with the dog and ate mangoes and tiny bananas. I let her lead the way, and although she brought up her mom frequently, it was in the context of, "When I was little, my mom used to put my hair in a ballet bun", or "My mom said I could get my own cat when I turn 16". Only once did she reference her mom's illness, when she asked which was worse, stage one or stage four.

We had a wonderful time, and now that she's off to grandma's house, I miss her presence. While I was with her, we were always very much in the moment, doing and being, and not a whole lot of thinking. Now that she's with grandma, I am thinking about how her dad said her mom coded twice, and she wants all heroic measures to be taken to keep her from dying, when there is no chance she will live. My gratitude lies in the fact that the kids do not know that. All of the messiness has been kept at bay, at least for today. We'll see about tomorrow.

Love to all of you, and much love to your loved ones. Thanks.

My heart goes out to you, msali, and to her. I send you both good thoughts.

Aw, msali. You are awesome.

No gaspode, SHE'S awesome. (but thanks for saying that) I know that she is going to face her mother's death with more grace and class than most of the adults I know. Tomorrow I get her 7 year old brother for a couple of hours. He's probably going to run me and my dog ragged.

You're a mensch!

My heart goes out to you, your friends, your friends' kids... you are doing a really awesome thing and I'm sure playing with the dog will be an awesome thing for the little boy.

They sound like great kids.

I am a mensch! Thanks Brujita!

They are great kids, and now that I have had a good night's sleep (I was asleep probably within ten minutes of my last comment), I am ready to take on this new day. My phone should be ringing shortly with my instructions...

I hope everyone else has a great day!