MetaChat - is there a way of asking someone out

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18 April 2011

is there a way of asking someone out that's clearly "asking them out" and not asking them to be out and about with you in that occasion?→[More:]

these other chicks are telling me about just ask her to dinner or whatever and maybe I'm just obtuse but I don't want it to be like oh we ate dinner and went home I really want to know if she's 'interested' interested you know?

Facts
* we went on a 'date' once quite a while ago. I, uh, I guess relatively abruptly told her I think we should just be friends as we were close to parting
* we've met once or twice after that
* we used to talk a fair amount on IM or phone for a few months after that, then I got busy
* we're still pretty friendly on IM
* i'm not at all suave and read/drop zero hints, so don't ask me to meet up and try to do/say something during the outing that subtly gets to the point I literally won't be able to
* I know for a fact she's extremely lonely in terms of that intimate companionship angle these days

I literally just wanna ask on the phone or somefin "I have a question for you. Would you be interested in going out with me again?" What's wrong with that? I can deal with "no" but I don't want to go through this thing where we meet up as friends and then go home again I want to know if she thinks we can build something more there

post by: Firas at: 15:41 | 18 comments

Hi, someone. Remember when I told you we should just be friends? I've changed my mind about that. Can we try again? I'd like to take you to dinner.

posted by iconomy 18 April | 15:53

use the word "date" when you ask her out. "would you like to go on a date". That way she could say no, yes, or yes she'd like to go out, but just as friends, or whatever. Using the word clarifies your intention.

posted by gaspode 18 April | 15:53

Let me be blunt. When you went on a date before, you told her you just wanted to be friends (ouch). You haven't seen her in awhile (?), you don't talk as much as you used to, but you know she's very lonely. Why do you want to go out with her again now? Not just because she's desperate and you feel like you could swoop in and save her, right? Why should she be interested in going on a definitely-romantic date with you when things haven't been that way between you in a long time?

I think you should take your friends' advice and just go to dinner and see what happens. Declare your feelings there at the table, if you feel you must. I just don't think it's fair for her (or anyone, really) to have to decide up front whether or not she sees any romance happening given your history. I also think the slow-and-steady plan is more likely to work than bringing it up out of the blue on the phone. Wooing, man. You gotta woo her a little. And even if you don't gotta, it'll be more fun for her.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 18 April | 15:56

damn teeps you're gonna spend the rest of my life scolding me at random times, lol. no, the fact that she's lonely gives me a lil bit of courage is all, I've been interested in changing this situation for a while but hey, you know, I'm nervous about that kinda thing. It's not just about me telling her we should be friends, I mean I figured she thinks of me the same way you know?

I don't see what's "going to happen" if we just go to dinner? Unless you mean go once, then ask her out again later and see if she accepts again, and thus escalate things in an implicit way. I mean, when you say 'woo her' what you're really asking me to do is figure out the wooing process in an ad-hoc way. You know? I don't have the mental/behavioral tools most people have in these contexts

posted by Firas 18 April | 16:29

You can have dinner, and then at the end if the night say, That was really fun. Can we go on another date (whenever)? Wooing doesnt have to be put on cheesy actions, it can just be patiently seeing what happens I just don't see the necessity of defining the night before it even happens, you know? If you haven't seen her in awhile, see how one night goes before forcing the are-we-or-aren't-we question.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 18 April | 16:40

I sort of agree with TPS - while stating your intentions up-front may be a bit more honest, it also puts a lot of pressure on her in that moment, because it forces her to think of you in a different way without warning. Better, I think, to make the 'date' a generic social thing and then talk about how your feelings towards her have changed over time. Kind of lead into the situation so that you both have the opportunity to back out gracefully and without hurting the other person's feelings. Don't let the 'date' go on too long befoer you start this, though - don't let both of you get too comfortable in the idea that this is just a meal (or whatever) between friends.

Like you, I'd have a tough time doing this (I'm totally clueless about hints etc), but it seems like a much lower risk way of shifting your relationship than just blurting it out over the phone would be.

posted by dg 18 April | 16:50

I didn't know that poultry could speak!

Seriously, nthing what others above said and if she agrees to go out with you, read her body language: smiling, leaning toward you, little touches mean she's interested too.

posted by brujita 18 April | 17:57

This is why you never tell someone you want to stay friends.

posted by Ardiril 18 April | 19:29

talked to her. pleasantly enough. made tentative plans for the weekend. aw man y'all are going to put me through this exhausting/hard process where I have to figure out how to do this midstream ninja move

posted by Firas 19 April | 03:24

thanks for the responses I appreciate them

posted by Firas 19 April | 03:36

Oh no. That's easy. The first step in the midstream ninja move is getting to midstream. After that, it's like slipping off a wet rock. Toodles!

posted by Ardiril 19 April | 05:04

It's really not that hard! It's the thinking about it that can be hard; doing it is just... doing it. So don't fret or wring your hands over it; just go out and have a great time! And at the end, if it feels right, you can follow TPS's advice and ask for another date, or a "real date," or whatever.

"Slipping off a wet rock" is about right. Suddenly, BLOOP, you're just there!

posted by Elsa 19 April | 09:41

the thing that's exhausting is talking. you know? I mean I'm not good at that and she has always tested my capacities in that front--30 minutes, 40 minutes, 50 minutes of straight talking lord have mercy--and all the time in the background I'm like I want to talk to you on a whole 'nother level! It's funny cause there's some people I can talk to forever, about the most random stuff that's been going on, so I guess what holds me back is artificially limiting the topics I bring up

I think I'm going to figure out something more kinetic than sitting across a huge restaurant table, we did that a couple times already. Actually the first thing I talked to her about is what's been on my mind these days--high end shopping, lol--and she said she might need my help with buying stuff on company allowance for a short trip. Maybe if that works out it'd be an opportunity to interact in a more.. mobile, tactile sort of way. Might also be mind-numbingly boring though.

I don't know why I conceive of this as such a drain I think it's cause when I interact with her I'm just biding time when my real intentions are something else ,ya know

posted by Firas 19 April | 10:57

I think I'm going to figure out something more kinetic than sitting across a huge restaurant table, we did that a couple times already.

This sounds like a great idea. It can be stifling to just sit and talk, sit and talk, sit and talk. It's fun to mix it up however you can: shopping as you suggest, or going to a museum, or bowling, or walking in the park, or whatever you both enjoy.

That said, (and obviously you're the best judge of this --- I'm just tossing the idea at you) if you don't actually enjoy the time that it takes to get closer to someone, maybe that's not the someone you should get closer to.

You talk about an artificial limitation on subjects. Let me ask: who or what is placing those limits? You? Her? Or just some concept of dating conventions?

posted by Elsa 19 April | 11:03

I don't know, like the other day I called up my cousin and started talking to him about I just saw a Ferrari on the road, and I think it's the first one I ever saw, and it was so low slung and had so many exhausts and lights and all of that it looked like a goddamn spaceship. And that for me if I had that cash I'd prefer getting a BMW or Mercedes sports car rather than something so exotic. Blah blah blah. And that sort of convo can occupy a fair amount of time (it also might be a bit male-oriented I suppose) but I guess I didn't even think of bringing it up with her. I guess there's a sort of 'warping' effect when conversing with her that puts the spotlight on herself, and she talks about her take or experience on something and then there's silence for a second and I'm like "yeah.."

I think what I need to do is try to peel away a lot of the .. mental facade.. and just be just be a lot more organic, take more risks. That way even the process of bringing up the proposition of something else would be easier just cause it'd be less of an overwrought process and more just being real.

posted by Firas 19 April | 11:10

ah hell you may be right about the fact that I'm going after the wrong person, now I don't even know. This stuff is way too complicated

posted by Firas 19 April | 11:42

Breathe, little Firas! It'll be OK. :)

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 19 April | 12:15

Listen, Firas: I am not right about anything, because I can't see the situation. You can! I'm just throwing out an idea.

But TPS is right: breathe, relax, and see if you have fun. It feels really complicated, but it doesn't have to be.

posted by Elsa 19 April | 12:56

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