I give up all the time. Sometimes giving up is a good idea. Other times, not. It helps to have some sort of notion of what your life is about, or what you want it to be about. What is this goal that's "forever out of reach?" There is no 'forever' in the moment. What would your life be about if you achieved this goal? "Happily ever after" is just for fairy tales.
P.S. Is this really just about having been "alone" on Valentines day?

I've been wresting with those exact questions for pretty-much my entire life. Motivation has always been missing in me.

Sometimes it's depressing to think about how constant change is, but sometimes it's uplifting. It's uplifting whenever you feel like nothing's moving. Life does change. conditions do change. You won't be stuck forever. I stay motivated because I don't see there's any real choice - at least not one likely to make me feel happier - and by the use of dreams. Daydreams, life dreams.

No, it's about finding a stable job. I've walked away from two relationships in the past year because I'm trying to find some sense of myself, what I want, and where I'm going. The only reason I'm alone is because I want to be.

Finding a "stable" job (full-time, benefits) is definitely a tangible goal, though it won't always be the goal (which is why this post was worded non-specifically).

You're right about needing to know what your life is about. I wrote as much last week. A lot of things have led up to this post, most recently this comment. I read that and thought, shoot, the reason these sorts of systems have never worked for me is because I don't have the overarching motivation that keeps you on task, that says, "Do this, you'll get there eventually." I'm essentially aimless.

And ultimately, I'd like to not feel like a fuckup (in the concrete sense of being able to support myself and pay my own rent).

Stable jobs often merely look that way. I've been laid off from more than one when the economy wasn't as bad as it is now. I don't see aimlessness as so awful either. I find a lot of people have fake or ill-considered aims borrowed from how they think it's supposed to be. Or else they think they have aims but are unconscious of their real aims (e.g. to prove their father was wrong about them.)

I don't have any answers I'm afraid. I've always been driven and ambitious since I was little.

When I feel like I've been beaten done I take all those feelings and put them in a tight little ball. Then set it on fire and let it fuel the energy to fight back.

We all have to feel like a fuckup sometimes. But we don't have to identify ourselves as fuckups when we feel that way.

Well, I sympathize, but I'm afraid I can't help much -- I have never been a motivated person, and don't really understand what's wrong with being aimless. It's not like there's some scorecard in the sky, you know. That comment you just linked to? Sheez, I can't imagine a more soul-killing thing than logging my life on a spreadsheet. If that's what motivation does to a person then I'm glad to not have any.

I hear you. There's tons of pressure to be hard on ourselves in our society. It's always telling us that we have to be driven and motivated and want tons and tons of consumer goods. It's like the Olympics: unless you win the gold medal, you're crap, never mind that the person who placed number 8 is totally incredible for having made that achievement.

I'm motivated by the things that I adore. I love my handbell choir and the music it produces, so I work hard to build it up. I love the fact that I live alone (in fact, that's a dealbreaker), so I'm very motivated to work enough to make enough money to not need a roommate, despite the fact that I could do a lot more saving and traveling if I didn't live alone. What makes you happy? What thrills you?

um, pretty much what Obscure Reference said. I surrender pretty frequently. I'm an unabashed slacker. Deadlines terrify me. Change tends to make me grumpy and stressed-out and insecure. But that's just me tho, and I recognise that there are a load of folks who're a whole fuckton better at dealing with that stuff.

I think the thing that's worked best for me is realizing that the notion of perfection as I once tended to look at it, is really just sort of this messed-up idealistic avatar I built up in my head to represent my own self-loathing. These days I find that just generally Getting Shit Done is kind of what life is all about, and the folks I've got in my life really do value me for just Getting Shit Done. Not to say I halfass my way around, but I've discovered that most of the time "good enough" in my book is "exceeds expectations" in others'. It sounds like you've been doing a bit of clearing away the driftwood of unsupportive people in your life, so you maybe having to dog paddle around a bit before you encounter the next ship that's sailing in a direction you want to go. And sometimes you even gotta build your own goddamn boat out of whatever crap comes ready to hand. Life's messy that way.

Apropos of not much, I have been getting my ass out of bed at oh-shit-o'clock these days to go running. And this is from someone who formerly loathed running. I've discovered that yes, it's hard, and yes, sometimes it sucks and my body just wants to give me the finger and crawl back in bed, but I keep on at it because I always feel better for having schlepped my way through even a shitty run. And I can do it in suckass weather (like the gale force wind this morning) that would render a bike ride entirely unsafe and/or fail-tastic. I've discovered that as much as I don't like running, it does really clears out my head and lets me process, especially since the mister is pretty much meh on running, so it's become "my thing".

You may find that painting or taking pictures or going to the movies or poetry slamming or playing music, or any one of a million other creative or athletic or fun indulgences does the same for you. While it's good to solicit advice, I submit that you will eventually find "your thing", and it'll probably be a different "thing" than many of our "things".

I can only show you the door, Neo... ;)

My motivation? Guilt. That's what a Catholic upbringing gets you. And what lfranger said. Good enough is plenty good enough. Perfection is a goal that will keep you paralyzed. I strive for good enough.

I'm like gomichild -- very driven, always. I think it came from a desire to make my parents proud, to make myself proud of myself, to make my life matter, which has burned in me for a long time. I've also found motivation later in life to do self improvement things -- like lonefrontranger I'm a runner now and motivate very similarly to get myself out the door. (Plus I am motivated by how much my dog adores running with me.) I am similarly motivated to get better at playing my guitar because of the pleasure I get from doing the work and the very process of practicing and playing.

I've also found as I get older that my love of other people (like my Bear) or my hope to help them is a huge, huge motivator.

And I find it very motivating to use my new mantra, the one I picked up as a New Year's Resolution, which is changing my internal message of "I have to . . ." to "I get to . . ." It is a lot more motivating to run an errand by telling myself I GET to run it, because then I genuinely feel privileged that I have a body that can do it, a mind that can recall and handle it, etc.

I'm big on pushing through. Like, ugh, I don't want to do this, but once it's done, it's done. That will usually get me going.

Bearwife, that is brilliant. I'm taking your mantra, k?

Go for it, toastedbeagle. I got it from an advice column I read around the end of the year. If this spreads, we could see a lot more of this suspicious happiness oozing around.

I wish I knew. I've never really been one of those up-and-at-em people. Like a lot of the fucked up ness in my head, I'm fairly certain this is from my folks. I can't ever really remember them actually enjoying things. Everything just always seemed like it was a thing to be endured, even things that were supposed to be enjoyable (like my father playing volleyball or my mother shopping). So maybe motivation is the thing you have to do unpleasant thing in order to make room/time/whatever for pleasant thing?

If you figure it out, let us know.

Bearwife, I've been trying to use that but I keep forgetting, heh.

I've always been motivated, but the goals have always been other people's goals for me. The last few years have been dedicated to stripping away all the expectations and trying to figure out what I want. I guess I'm still searching.

In some sense, I'm cool with finding what I want to do, exploring my options and whatnot. I know that I love making people laugh, that I want to try doing improv and get back into writing. But it's damned hard to take all these risks when you don't have any ground under your feet. I have nothing to fall back on but myself.

That comment you just linked to? Sheez, I can't imagine a more soul-killing thing than logging my life on a spreadsheet. If that's what motivation does to a person then I'm glad to not have any.

Yeah, you're right. But it was the fact that to make such a commitment (any kind of self-improvement commitment), you need to already have the goal in mind.

Similarly, I've tried bearwife's mantra, but it just rings hollow.

As a not very driven person, I've been focusing a lot more on momentum lately than motivation. For me, that requires throwing on some mental blinders, telling that inner existential doubt to shut the fuck up, and Doing. Once I build a little momentum, I cling to it desperately, and it tends to build on itself.

This is mainly due to spending way too many years paralyzed by anxiety and mental/psychological wheel-spinning which led to a life that was not only no fucking fun, it was pretty dangerous and sad, and I *really* don't want to wind up there again.

So, Fear? Maybe. There are other things, of course, and t's a tad more complicated than that, but I guess that's pretty much my main driving force at the moment.

I'm like TPS. X has to be done - no matter how much I procrastinate or don't want to do it, it still has to be done, it'll still be there waiting for me to do it. Thus, push through and at least you won't have it hanging over your head anymore.

(works for when you break long-term goals into small bits)

Fear and Anxiety usually keep me moving forward when I would otherwise stay in bed. That said, I'm not that upset about this. I am good with short term goals and had a few long-term goals that I met [getting married, buying a house, getting a full-time job, being financially secure] and then it turned out that they weren't really what I wanted after all. Or, getting to those points didn't suddenly make me feel fulfilled.

That said, it did free up a lot of my brain power to think about what I'd really like which, more often than not was "other people not telling me what to do" This can sometimes lead to a life that is a little lonely, but I like that much more than a life that makes me constantly angry. I left my angry life behind and I am working on getting people back into my life now that I feel a little more worth being around.

I grew up in a service-oriented family, hard-working dad, altruistic mom [sort of anyhow] and so we were always encouraged to help out and so a lot of times I sign on to projects that need "someone like me" and since I've got the other stuff nailed down I can worry less about whether they pay or whatever.

I also am a fan of the spreadsheet approach. I like little goals and quantifiable ones seem real to me even as they lead to other qualitative ones. So, small steps like getting rent paid and supporting yourself can, if you target it right, also turn into other things you want. I know this has been a bumpy annoying set of weeks or months for you, but I hope you're seeing the good and the bad in it.

I have no suggestions for motivation. My post on the green today kind of bears that out :P

However, I do take solace in the fact that so many people go through things that we never see or understand. Even the people who seem the most "together" are fucking up, failing, lonely, whatever. NOBODY is immune.

I actually really liked that Tina Fey post that was on the blue today/in the New Yorker this week; she's one of the few famous people who will come out and say, "Oh, yeah, don't let anybody tell you it gets easier when you have nannies and assistants and money for endless drycleaning bills."

We're in it together. We will still be smart, compassionate and worthy people no matter what happens. That helps me remember to be easier on myself, and that helps me move forward and do things I don't want to do.

Keep on keepin' on.

Sorry about the mantra-fail, Eide. I do feel very fortunate, I must admit. Just meeting my Bear seems to me like the most incredible stroke of luck/gift from the Universe. My personal fear is that I will lose some of the things I feel so lucky to have -- my husband, my job, my health. At least I'll be able to say I really appreciated them while I had them, though.

If feeling fortunate about being able to do what you can do - like crack people up -- doesn't work for you, maybe it would help to just zero in on why your goal matters to you. E.g., maybe you want a job cracking people up because that will make you feel most like your true self. One reason I worked incredibly hard to get my current job and am so glad to have it is that I knew how much I was going to enjoy doing it.

Eide, lack of motivation/mojo can be a sign of The Blues. A little sunshine, wan as it is these days, some exercise, some great music, these things help. You have goals, and maybe you've just had too many obstacles lately.

I like that spreadsheet for making specific changes. Some of us need that kind of tool to help us manage our lives. Not me, far too disorganized right now for a spreadsheet, but I like the idea of it.

If your goals are tangled, and getting 1 step done requires some other task, and that one requires something else, etc., and you feel like you can't move, you need to clean the bathroom. It's a worthwhile task. It's humble. It's achievable. It gets you moving, and gives you an accomplishment, albeit homely. I got this advice from a book that combines some Zen thinking with some psychotherapy. It has served me pretty well.

You just go balls to the wall until you can't anymore. Even when you know it's likely to end in failure. This took me a long time to grow into, but I'm much happier now that I'm okay with failing, but not failing to try.

Honestly? The fact that I think I'm awesome (sometimes) and that I'm better than whatever is beating me down.

It's what keeps me trying to figure out new ways to get better at my job, to be a better editor, to be a better writer, to continue being in therapy even though it sometimes feels useless, to be a better friend, daughter, aunt, etc.

Sometimes it's difficult to be working this hard for what seems like so little, and then I look back at some of the things I've accomplished—coming up on my 7 year anniversary as a New York City resident, and I don' have a roommate—and I tell myself to keep striving so I can get the other things I want.

On preview: What tortillathehun said.