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14 September 2010

Ok, let's review. There are days, like today, when I feel like I'm the only one who's normal.→[More:]1. My California friend moved back in with his batshit insane girlfriend (among other things, she said "if you don't buy us a house, it means you don't love me."). He broke off the engagement but she said she was "afraid to live alone," so back he went.

2. By coincidence, I saw two of my college roommates a couple weeks ago. Roommate 1: Oh, did I mention that my husband won't find a job, won't help with the kids or housework despite being home all day, and is now attending anger management classes? Roommate 2 (with 9 month old baby): Husband is hiding liquor bottles in his car, slurring and repeating himself at night, and I'm going to plan an intervention if things don't get better soon.

3. My sister is leaving her husband, to the surprise of no one. I had always thought that the problem was he was immature and lazy (13 years younger than her; they married because she tricked him into getting pregnant). Now it turns out that oh, he's been emotionally abusive all this time too, and oh, he might be starting to abuse substances.

4. Another friend broke up with his too-controlling girlfriend. (Among other things, she tried to throw out his favorite shirt (I saw the shirt it was just a little shabby, not too bad), which led to a fight, which led to her crying on the phone to her mother for an hour.) Hooray! He sort of knew from the beginning it wasn't right, but hadn't been with someone for a while so he kept trying to make it work. After the breakup, they talked a little, and it came out that she was interested in him solely due to her biological clock, and said to him, "if you knew it wasn't going to work, why didn't you break up with me sooner? You wasted my time!"

(These people are all in their early 40s.)

I would so like to know, what is so attractive about crazy?! I try to avoid crazy whenever possible.

Ok, I'm heading back to my cave now.

post by: Melismata at: 14:53 | 31 comments

You made a similar post just on August 26th, to which the wise dg replied as follows:

Why are people so crazy?!
Because they're people. At heart, we're all crazy in our own way.

If you can't support someone's particular crazy, disengage. If you can, just support them. It sounds like avoiding the crazy is making you crazy.

posted by rainbaby 14 September | 15:16

Well, these are all relationship-crazy examples. I don't have much exposure to (romantic) relationship-crazy, but from what I can glean, a lot of the craziness is exacerbated by fear of being alone.

posted by gaspode 14 September | 15:18

Luckily, crazy people are often attracted to other crazy people, so there are less of 'em in the dating pool.

posted by leesh 14 September | 15:25

That's it, rainbaby! So now I'm crazy too. Now maybe someone will support me. Wheeee! :)

posted by Melismata 14 September | 15:28

I don't have much exposure to (romantic) relationship-crazy, but from what I can glean, a lot of the craziness is exacerbated by fear of being alone.

Yeah, and sometimes I wonder if my lack of fear about not being in a relationship is its own special kind of craziness.

posted by amro 14 September | 15:30

"what is so attractive about crazy?" -- Not much. Though maybe we should try to talk about people in terms of their behavior instead of mental health. But please remember:

1. Very few folks display their worst behavior quickly. E.g. drunks hide their bottles and drinking, abusers don't abuse right off the bat and start slow.

2. Sometimes people stay with crazy/abusive people because they are seduced by being needed, or because they love the people by the time they find out the bad stuff.

3. One sign of maturity is learning that kindness is desirable, not wimpy, while self-indulgent and destructive behavior is undesirable, not romantic. Not everyone is mature yet.

From the outside, it helps the people involved with the bad news most to use positive reinforcement as to every move they make toward healthiness in their romantic lives. I.e., the worst message is "You're stupid to be with so and so" and the best message is "I was so impressed that you found the strength to distance yourself in this way from so and so."

posted by bearwife 14 September | 15:39

I meant support your friends and family members having the crazytimes or not, I didn't mean to suggest you rush out and form romantic attachments based on the crazy.

Or, what bearwife just said at the end there.

posted by rainbaby 14 September | 15:44

Yup, I understood rainbaby, thanks, just trying to be cutesy on the internet, doesn't always work. :):) @--->---

posted by Melismata 14 September | 16:21

Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh uh huh uh huh.

posted by Madamina 14 September | 16:35

There's a woman I've met a couple of times who's one of those crazy types - unbelievably demanding and high-maintenance, yet her husband, instead of telling her to STFU, indulges her. At a dinner party she dropped her fork. It wasn't enough for her to rinse it under hot water or wash it by hand. No, she demanded a fork hot from the dishwasher, and as there weren't any (all the forks were being used by other guests) she fully expected the hostess to run a cycle of the dishwasher just for her fork (she didn't get it).

Another time, she and her husband couldn't take some other people on a road trip because, in a fit of temper, she'd thrown their car keys off the roof of a multi-storey car park. When they'd offered to drive on this road trip, they knew they had no car keys but said nothing until people turned up at their house for the trip. Someone else ended up having to rent a car.

My sister, too, is crazy, selfish and demanding, yet finds no end of men to pander to her wishes and wanting to take care of her.

I don't understand this. I try to be a kind and considerate person, respectful of other people, yet these qualities somehow do not seem to be considered attractive.

posted by Senyar 14 September | 17:48

Senyar, yeah, sometimes I wonder if my unwillingness to be dramatic or clingy or needy somehow makes me seem less interested to guys? Like the crazy makes them feel more loved.

posted by amro 14 September | 18:14

Oh, I hear you Senyar and amro. My X-Mr. V even once said to me that I should be bitchier to him, that I was too nice. Being bitchy would have kept him faithful?? O_o

posted by redvixen 14 September | 18:36

I have been so lucky.

posted by gaspode 14 September | 18:44

Seriously, gaspode.

posted by amro 14 September | 19:00

I find it annoying when people start bitching, ohhhh, I must be single because I'm such a normal special snowflake, only crazy people find relationships. I've only heard it from women, although I imagine there are guys who say it too. First off, I (attached person) am standing right here, you know I don't tolerate drama, so I don't know who you're even talking about- those must be your friends, they ain't mine. Secondly, of course that's not the case, of course it isn't! There are a million X factors regarding relationship finding, including large doses of "fate" and luck and who knows what else. No one is single because they're too normal or healthy. Absolutely not. The lazy thinking in that line of thought just kills me.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 14 September | 19:18

I'm not sure if you're referring to me, but I can only speak from my own experiences, and I never said I was normal. But I have dated guys who seemed to crave drama.

posted by amro 14 September | 19:22

It's more of a general rant.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 14 September | 19:27

I've been really lucky, too.

posted by deborah 14 September | 19:30

I hope to get lucky, someday :) I mean that in both a non-dirty and a dirty way.

posted by amro 14 September | 19:36

It's kind of like being a fish in a bowl on a hotplate. Everyone else can see you're in trouble, but since you're in it, and the rise is so slow, you don't see it.

And because too many of us were trained to see that peace=no conflict, we give in. Because we're taught that other people come first, we give in. All to keep the peace.

It was chance that brought me and my husband together. We've been on a rollercoaster ever since. It's only in that last year or so that things have turned around. Part of it was me not giving in on stuff, and the other part was frankly, him growing up some.

We don't need to be bitchy, but we do need to know how to fight, how to fight fair, and how to stand up for ourselves. That's something that I don't think gets enough attention, well, anywhere.

posted by lysdexic 14 September | 20:39

Very wise, lysdexic.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 14 September | 20:43

What bearwife said as to reasons why people are drawn to crazy.

posted by Miko 14 September | 21:38

You've got to remember that it's pretty easy to ignore the larger number of non-crazy relationships. Also, they're not half as entertaining. No one watches trains not-wrecking.

posted by punchtothehead 15 September | 10:02

I hope to get lucky, someday :) I mean that in both a non-dirty and a dirty way.

I should probably make sure you have my number.

posted by Eideteker 15 September | 10:56

"she fully expected the hostess to run a cycle of the dishwasher just for her fork (she didn't get it)." Sure. Pot cycle with long dry cycle. You can finish eating later while the rest of us are outside chatting and enjoying the evening.

posted by arse_hat 15 September | 11:27

I think lysdexic has it. I remember being in a relationship where peace= no conflict and it took me a long time to see my way out of there. Conflict isn't always bad.

Also, I know I'm crazy, am working on it, and am sometimes amazed at the "normal" people around me. Seriously, how do you guys do it?

FWIW, I'm not in a relationship (cause I am working on my crazy).

I do think the people OP knows who are in the crazy relationships, are somewhat attracted to the crazy. And it can be really attractive. And I mean really attractive. And most people attracted are probably a little bit of their own crazy. Yay, crazy!

OK, not really, but no one sets out to be dysfunctional, it just happens.

posted by thankyouforyourconsideration 15 September | 11:33

Occasionally I've found myself to be attracted to dysfunctional people because it distracts me from my own problems and provides me with something to "fix." I felt sorry for my last boyfriend, the cheating alcoholic, because he'd had a rough childhood blah blah blah. It took me awhile to realize that I didn't have to put up with his behavior. Even if he couldn't help his addiction, I didn't have to be around it.

Fortunately my not-crazy husband has cured me of all that crap.

posted by desjardins 15 September | 11:40

I think lysdexic has it. I remember being in a relationship where peace= no conflict and it took me a long time to see my way out of there. Conflict isn't always bad.

Yeah, this is what happened to me (HINT: the cure is not "more conflict"). Looking forward to starting over now.

Being Lloyd Dobler is overrated.

posted by Eideteker 15 September | 12:31

I find it annoying when people start bitching, ohhhh, I must be single because I'm such a normal special snowflake, only crazy people find relationships.

I haven't seen anyone saying that. It just baffles me that someone would actually choose all that drama. When I was a divorce lawyer I'd see it all the time, the women going back to the controlling husbands, the men unable to stay away from the drama queens.

I know from the crazy relationships I've had in the past that sex is often a huge factor - the best fuck is often the worst partner. Sex is the most powerful human instinct, and that's probably why I stayed too long sometimes with the wrong person (make that people, I've had some self-destructive relationships in my lifetime). But for me the great sex wasn't enough to keep me in the relationship when the other behaviour was unacceptable. I also think there's a lot of people who need to feel needed or to be a rescuer, and a lot of people who want the attention their demands bring. I don't need or want to be rescued, or to have to deal with tantrums, and I'm happier being by myself than dealing with either of those things.

posted by Senyar 15 September | 13:56

I haven't seen anyone saying that. A girl at my church was saying it to me once, I was utterly baffled.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 15 September | 13:57

Ah right, I thought you meant people in this thread had said it.

posted by Senyar 15 September | 14:21

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