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20 August 2010

Relationship Drama I'm usually against putting relationship questions out to the interwebs, but I'm at a loss for what to do. tl;dr warning[More:]

Wednesday we had been discussing going out to play pool with some friends after work and he said in an email "I've gotta do stuff tonight, so no pool for me and I won't be home." I go out with our friends and text him repeatedly to see if he's done with whatever it is he was doing and ask if he wants to come meet us. He doesn't respond for the longest time, but then tells me he's still alive, but never answers my question about whether or not he'd like to come meet us.

I go home at about 3am, and he's not there. I call and text again, but get no answer. Even though I know he doesn't check his voicemails, I leave a drunken message, then eat some pizza and go to bed.

Upon waking up Thursday, I find that he's still not home. I call some more and text some more. Finally I get an answer - he's got to make a "couple calls" and then he's "headed home." I send several more text messages and make more phone calls that are still unanswered. I even called his good friend from work to see if the BF had logged in to their chat system and if the friend knew what was going on. No dice.

At this point I'm flipping out and my imagination is running away from me, so I do something I probably shouldn't have done... He always leaves his email up on our home computer. I poke through his account and find an Expedia receipt for a one-night trip to another city - airline ticket, car, and hotel. There were also several emails exchanged with a lawyer in the destination city.

The BF took a work trip a few months ago to this city, and apparently got in trouble with the local law while there. He didn't mention this to me while he was traveling, or when he came back from the trip. He had to go back this week for a court appearance.

When I got home from work last night, I confronted him about where he was without revealing that I already know or how I know. He basically avoided my questions, and upon pressing harder he said he didn't want to talk about it just yet. I expressed that I was sad, hurt, and a bit angry. This didn't change his stance and he still hasn't told me what he was actually doing.

I'm upset that he feels he has to keep this from me. We've lived together for five years and, although he doesn't need me to be his mother, I don't think his email conveyed that he wasn't going to be home at all that night. If I had gotten that impression, I would have asked more questions in the beginning of the ordeal. And this law trouble is auto-related, so it may increase our car insurance - which I pay for. Based on that reason alone I feel like he should have told me.
Re-reading this, I suppose I didn't really ask a question. So, advice? Whuffles? I dunno - maybe I just needed to vent. Blah.
posted by youngergirl44 20 August | 15:40
Whaaaaaaaaaaat? That's crazy. I would be really upset about that.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 20 August | 15:46
It sounds like he's embarrassed, maybe? He's probably trying to take care of everything quickly without you suspecting anything. So much for that.

Knowing myself I would have let it all out. I would have told him that I knew about the lawyer, the plane, etc.
posted by LoriFLA 20 August | 15:54
*hug*

I have no good advise, just to say I'd be beside myself with rage, but... maybe try to give him a little space if possible and see if he comes up with an explanation? If it is tied to something Really Stupid that he did (DUI maybe?... I'm really reaching here) he may feel so completely shitty and terrible about it that he's simply having a difficult time 'fessing up. Dunno, that's just my gut take.

I'd still be pissed, but if it helps at all, maybe try to see it from that perspective?

that's all I got kiddo. :(
posted by lonefrontranger 20 August | 15:56
He has really fucked up here, but if you corner him about it, you may end up feeling even more hurt than you do right now. The fact that he said he isn't ready to talk about it "yet" is key- let it slide awhile, and if he hasn't brought it up in a couple of weeks, ask him again. You'll both be less emotional then, and he'll have had time to process the whole thing and maybe feel less embarrassed about whatever it is.

On preview: yeah, kinda what Lori and LFR are saying.
posted by BoringPostcards 20 August | 16:00
LoriFLA said exactly what I was thinking: it seems likely that he's just embarrassed and trying to get this finished without worrying you, so he could present you with the closed chapter, once he knew what the ramifications would be. For example, any effect on the car insurance couldn't really be reckoned until the case was closed, right?

I would be upset, too --- but I'd try to vent that (at least at first) and calm down enough to discuss it without getting sidetracked or overwrought.

Note: I am ABSOLUTELY NOT saying that you'd be wrong to feel overwrought or upset, only that it's probably not a productive mindset from which to initiate what is certain to be a complex conversation.

Every relationship is different, of course, but here's a thought: in general, do you trust him and trust his judgment? If you do, then this is a good time to fall back on that trust.

I'm not saying to stifle your feelings or pretend this didn't happen --- quite the contrary. But if you're going to pursue a conversation about this, it might be helpful to remember that trust, as a way to view his actions in the most trusting, positive light... unless or until you have a reason not to think the best. It may also give you the patience to hold off until some time has passed, to give him and yourself some emotional distance from the event.
posted by Elsa 20 August | 16:04
After you get all this behind the two of you, I would hit him in the face with a pie.
posted by Ardiril 20 August | 16:09
lfr: From the little information I saw in the lawyer correspondence, you're reaching the same conclusion I did.

I'm sure he is embarrassed, but I thought we had reached the point in our relationship where we could talk about things frankly, regardless of what they were.

I did say that he would *have* to tell me, because this is not something I'm going to be able to get over without an explanation. Since I already know the gist of what's going on, a lot of the pressure to find out the secret is already gone. Right now I'm feeling the pressure of him trying to act like everything is fine, when I know it isn't.

The more self-centered letdown to the story is that my friends I played pool with and the bar staff all thought he was out shopping for my birthday, which is in a week or so. I was convinced of the same, and wasn't going to press the issue, until he didn't come home. ABSCONDING TO ANOTHER STATE WITHOUT TELLING YOUR LIVE-IN SO IS NOT ACCEPTABLE UNLESS THERE ARE PRESENTS INVOLVED!!!!!
posted by youngergirl44 20 August | 16:14
You're in a LTR including living together and he hasn't told you any of this? Embarrassed or not, you tell your SO that kind of stuff. He's fucked up big time.

I would have confronted him with my knowledge, but I don't know what you should do about it. Big hugs, YG.
posted by deborah 20 August | 16:34
Not cool on both fronts, here. You need him to trust you more, but you're not gonna achieve that by peepin' on his e-mail.

Couples therapy is a good thing and nothing to be ashamed about. Esp. since it's not about who's right or wrong, but bringing you closer to each other. Y'all need a love infusion!
posted by Eideteker 20 August | 16:55
do you trust him and trust his judgment?
Yes? No? If you had asked whether I trust him not to cheat on me, or trust him to handle the legal consequences of his actions - yes. Do I trust that he will ever tell me everything - no. That sucks to say.
posted by youngergirl44 20 August | 16:58
I do feel bad about peeping in his email. It's a lame excuse, but he does leave it open and unprotected all the time. And I wouldn't care if he read mine. It's killing me not to fess up to doing this. I'm always the first to tell on myself.

I'm totally open to couples therapy, and even previously suggested it to him when we were going through a rough patch. I think he'd rather die.
posted by youngergirl44 20 August | 17:04
Hell, he knows I hang out here and could very well be reading this thread. Just in case, I want to assert again: ABSCONDING TO ANOTHER STATE WITHOUT TELLING YOUR LIVE-IN SO IS NOT ACCEPTABLE UNLESS THERE ARE PRESENTS INVOLVED!!!!!
posted by youngergirl44 20 August | 17:20
I dunno. I feel for you. It's pretty serious business to just vanish for a night, no explanation, no forewarning, and fudge it all over. I'd say you have every right to be mad, especially because it's not like you're newly partnered. I do think it's good that he acknowledges there's something important to tell, just not "yet," but there are two issues - what happened to him, which in my mind is less important, and why he kept it from you for the entire time he was planning it as well as while he was away and afterward, which in my mind is more important.

Patience, consider couples therapy, speak from a calm place etc. But also get completely clear on how this has affected you and whether you accept the behavior. Would you be OK with this happening again? I think that's an important question to sort out while he is waiting for the right time to share his tale. Maybe you could make an appointment with someone yourself before you take any drastic steps or have any major scenes. Just to help think about it.
posted by Miko 20 August | 17:44
it's not about who's right or wrong, but bringing you closer to each other.

This single realization has vastly improved not only my partnership, but my entire life: it's not about being right or wrong but about negotiating together to make things work for everyone.

Would you be OK with this happening again? I think that's an important question to sort out while he is waiting for the right time to share his tale.

Exactly. Think about where you're willing to set a boundary on secrets, and be prepared to discuss it as calmly as possible. I really think that the ability to set (and to negotiate) boundaries is part of the secret to a happy relationship, and to a happy life.

I left the email thing alone, because you're the best judge (here in MetaChat, I mean) of whether that's an invasion and how much of one. The important thing is: if it was an invasion*, then you already know you need to deal with that breach, and the real question is how.

* Different people have startlingly different boundaries about this stuff. I grew up with a snoop in the house, so I'm touchy about privacy. During a his-family emergency, I agonized before resorting to reading my partner's email to find a necessary phone number --- and when I explained to him what I'd done and that I hoped he'd excuse it since I was trying to help out his mom in a hurry, he laughed and said "You could read my email anytime, silly! Read it every day!" *shrug* Different boundaries.
posted by Elsa 20 August | 18:00
Miko: I do agree with separating this into two issues - what happened while on the trip and how he subsequently dealt with it - and the second issue being the most pressing. That being said, whether or not what happened is going to effect me (and by default, us) monetarily, is still a concern of mine.

you already know you need to deal with that breach, and the real question is how

Yeah. Hopefully he will understand how freaked out I was that he didn't come home and wasn't being straight with me. I don't think I'll be able to make it through the weekend without confessing, so this may come to a head faster than he had hoped. If he still hasn't told me by the time I confess my snoopage, I think I'll still give him time to tell his own story instead of pressing it out of him.
posted by youngergirl44 20 August | 18:11
Five years seems like a long time to be together to do this kind of thing.

In my world it seems crazy that he was able to sit on this for months between the event and this court appearance. Months! For me that would push it away from "he's just embarrassed" to "he's being massively fucking dodgy". But then, I'm paranoid like that.
posted by fleacircus 20 August | 19:03
Maybe you'll see it all on Cops? (*just kidding*)

I can't imagine your loved one disappearing all night without explanation and thinking that'll be okay. Maybe he figures (hopes) you saw the email?

What this calls for (in addition to presents) is a girls' weekend in Vegas.
posted by Pips 21 August | 00:46
In your situation I would have been a) super relieved that it didn't have anything to do with an extra-marital (or "extra-relationship") something-something, and b) really disturbed that he hid everything about the legal problems.

Whatever the reasons were for him to hide this problem from me would have to be disentangled. I would wonder:

* Does he think I'm perfect and would never make an equally embarrassing mistake? And assumes that he therefore doesn't live up to my standards?

* Does he deep-down know that he could share it with me, but because of earlier conditioning, or just his own personality, finds it super difficult to present an embarrassing problem — especially before it's been resolved?

This will be perhaps not too helpful, but I'm the sort of person who might find myself in the second camp: just because of my own stupid personality (nothing to do with my parents, my upbringing, or my relationship with my husband!), I might find it difficult to admit to an embarrassing mistake, but even more so before I had already "solved," overcome, or otherwise dealt with it.

So, this is mostly just mental canoodling on my end, but whatever the situation, it does sort of seem (to me) that he's mostly embarrassed, since incidents of this sort don't seem to be a part of your history together. Of course you should talk to him about it (warning, 100% non-professional advice!!!), and I'm sure you will work it out youngergirl, and I believe and hope that you will both come out more insightful about each other and more solid on the other end. I think that it's often exactly this sort of thing that ultimately bonds people closer together.
posted by taz 21 August | 11:59
Clearing cobwebs at the end of the week with music.... || Golden Girls nesting dolls

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