MetaChat - dear Almond Butter...

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11 August 2010

dear Almond Butter... →[More:]

Dearest Almond Butter,

I am writing to say that it's over, and I'm so very sorry about that.

This isn't about your expensive tastes, or food allergies, or anything in specific. It's simply to say that, now that the novelty's worn off, we simply have no chemistry, no spark. The romance is dead. You're a really sweet guy, and you deserve better. While I appreciate your alternative lifestyle, and your oh-so-earnest organic exterior, I crave excitement and flavour and stability. I've tried to get past it, but I just cannot live a lie anymore. It's not you, it's me.

With much regret,

lfr

here's hoping my wild old ex Peanut Butter isn't passed out drunk on some bimbo's floor, and that he'll take me back...

post by: lonefrontranger at: 12:10 | 15 comments

One word: tahini!

posted by Ardiril 11 August | 12:18

No, Nutella!

posted by Melismata 11 August | 12:23

I like sunflower seed butter. Also, kaya.

posted by moonshine 11 August | 12:55

Very funny! But almond butter is now my peanut butter. Yes, it has taken over my taste buds.

posted by bearwife 11 August | 13:19

Almond butter and I have a comfortable marriage. No one rocks the boat. No one gets all hot and bothered anymore either. Except when we go a threesome with apricot jam (and a spoon).

But afterwards, almond butter complains that I can't be satisfied with just her.

posted by danf 11 August | 13:25

I just had a similar conversation with cashew butter.

posted by JanetLand 11 August | 13:52

This post just made my lunch decision for me.

posted by serazin 11 August | 14:41

I'm breaking up with Nutella, myself. Being lifelong allergic to peanuts, I treated it as an alternative to peanut butter but have come to realize (after a binge involving a Costco-sized package of the stuff) that it is really nothing but a chocolate-delivery device and there's no way I'm going to kick my chocoholism with it around. I am flirting with almond butter now, but do not intend to consummate the relationship until after a break from nut spreads for a while. And I always have my childhood alternative to the PB&J: Cream Cheese and Jelly (it's not just for breakfast).

posted by oneswellfoop 11 August | 14:43

...and by Cream Cheese I really mean American Neufchatel; spreads easier cold, less fat, tastes the same to me.

posted by oneswellfoop 11 August | 14:45

Dear almond butter and all of your nutty brethren: I don't like any of you, does that mean I'm gay?

posted by msali 11 August | 15:31

You can't fool me. Almonds don't have mammary glands, so there's no such thing as almond butter. Who are you even trying to kid?

posted by Eideteker 11 August | 17:56

Melismata, I broke up with Nutella ages ago when I found out he was just a shallow Duncan Hines frosting imposter in a trendy suit.

posted by lonefrontranger 11 August | 18:21

Dear Almond Butter,

I hope we never meet. I'm serious. NEVER EVER. But if you see your cousin Marzipan, tell him I'm looking forward to his next visit. I've invited Dark Chocolate and Apricot as well.

posted by youngergirl44 11 August | 18:25

Cashew butter :)

posted by faineant 11 August | 19:16

mmmmmmm Truffle Butter

posted by rollick 11 August | 20:46

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