MetaChat - I think a girl may be interested in me romantically.

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07 August 2010

I think a girl may be interested in me romantically. She definitely seems interested in pursuing hanging out alone with me at least. But she makes lots of misandric and sex-negative comments to me.→[More:]

I think she is just inexperienced. She is quite a bit younger than me and has lived a very sheltered life. But I don't feel like I am the one who needs to instruct her. Anyway, these comments are a big turn-off, and I don't really pursue her because of it. If she somehow forces the issue, should I tell her that I don't want to date her because I find these comments obnoxious (in the case of the anti-male comments), and indicative of an unattractive naievete and incompatible sexual attitude (in the case of the anti-sex comments)? Or just be more vague?

post by: punch at: 14:17 | 8 comments

What are the anti-male comments? Do you recall a good example? Seems to me that they should be called out. Probaly the anti-sex ones too, depending on what she said.

posted by dabitch 07 August | 14:20

It depends on the comments. I see young women using anti-male comments as a form of flirting, like the "negging" the pick-up artists use. (reference - warning: offensive) I definitely think you should call her on it; if she thinks she's flirting, do it in a gentle way, asking her why she thinks that all men are ___, and does she really think that you're ___ too? If she's being obnoxious, then deal with it as you would racism, homophobia, or misogyny. Just because she's young doesn't mean she'll grow out of it. You don't need to spend endless hours educating her; strive to be calm and collected and she'll get the point that cool, confident people don't act that way.

posted by desjardins 07 August | 14:42

I understand feeling like you're not the one to instruct someone. And if you feel strongly about that, I think it's best to apply it regardless of whether or not she asks you out, because it seems likely to me that hearing that critique as part of a rejection will make her less receptive to it.

But I also agree with dabitch and desjardins: behavior like that should be called out, and can be done without getting into a whole "education" interaction, especially if you can point her to a couple resources for educating herself.

posted by EvaDestruction 07 August | 14:48

When I say I don't feel like the one to instruct someone, I mean I don't feel like being the example of a good relationship for her, she can find someone else to date. I'd rather not go into detail on her comments because she might be reading here. Thanks for the helpful comments.

posted by punch 07 August | 15:12

I think you can call her out, but not in a teacher way; just respond the way one friend does to another.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 07 August | 15:44

you have to decide where you want things to go I think. the energy you invest into dealing with her as a person would probably depend on whether you feel like it's worth it with her ending up as a friend, gf, etc. I agree with desjardins that what comes across as an obnoxious anti-male attitude may just be teasing but you also don't, as you say, want to be the genuine receiving end of that lens or the token male who has to stand out.

So yeah maybe get a sense of where her head is, experience level is and so on before deciding whether it's worth engaging her on the issue.

posted by Firas 07 August | 16:03

Play this by ear. If she asks you out, I'd just gently let her know you aren't interested. If she pushes it and wants a reason, I'd be very nice about saying that comments like --- can be a turnoff for people, including you. Maybe suggest some self editing.

posted by bearwife 07 August | 16:37

I'd rather not go into detail on her comments because she might be reading here.

If that's the case, isn't she going to recognize this? I mean, how many mecha people fitting this scenario might she be working with, unless she doesn't know you're on mecha, or your name's a sockpuppet?

/nosy

(In any case, if she's really that much younger than you and you're really not interested, maybe just let it go.)

posted by Pips 07 August | 19:05

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