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18 June 2010

Well, I did it. I told the cute guy at work to fuck off. Why, then, do I feel so miserable now?[More:]He basically was, and will probably continue to behind my back, drooling over me, and I was drooling over him. Great, right? No, he's "seeing someone else, and doesn't see that changing." Um, ok, why the drooling then? No answer. (And it wasn't just a physical drooling, there was a definite emotional connection there.)

So finally today I said "this hurts too much," and he said, "yeah, I've been an asshole, was thinking with my dick and not my head, sorry." Was kind of hoping he'd say something different, like "y'know, two people who are drooling over each other should probably go out." (He won't disclose anything about the other relationship, except to that they they're not married and not living together.)

Ok, God/whomever, I don't ask much from you, really. A while ago I asked you to please not get my hopes up. You don't want me to be in a happy relationship, fine. I'll gradually get used to it and learn to be happy alone. But that's NOT GOING TO HAPPEN if you keep getting my hopes up with guys like this. * So, could you please stop doing this?

No? Ok then, how about this. I've had two guys ask me to marry them and then say a few days later "sorry, I didn't really mean it." (For completely different reasons.) At the time, I screamed at them in agony, "why did you lie to me?" and their answer was "because I was lying to myself". Which left me furious and miserable because there was nothing I could do but trust their (false) feelings, there was no way I could have prevented heartache. So, God/whomever, if you can't do the other thing, could you at least have these people learn how to be honest with their own feelings, so that my heart won't get stomped on again?

No? Well, then can you please tell me what the f. you CAN do for me? Please?!

* And did you HAVE to get my hopes up so badly with someone who is absolutely fucking perfect in every other way?! I couldn't believe some of the things we had in common, some of the great conversations we had.

Hugs. You'll be okay. The joking-about-proposal thing is strange though. You're right to be mad about it.
posted by Firas 18 June | 14:26
Oh honey, that all sounds really crappy. You did exactly the right thing with this current guy, though, and you should be proud of that. He might seem perfect, but if he's prepared to act like that, what would it be like to be with him in the long run?
posted by altolinguistic 18 June | 15:29
Good for you for keeping your dignity but, oh, I feel for you. I think I'm destined for crazycatladyhood myself.
posted by Senyar 18 June | 15:52
I feel for you. You are far too nice to have to keep taking these lumps in life.
posted by Ardiril 18 June | 16:12
In a decade or two, some of these guys will grow up. In the mean time, they're really annoying.
posted by Obscure Reference 18 June | 16:29
Oh man, I'm sorry. I know what it's like to really click with someone, you got those crush vibes going on and they're so delicious, but... then you realize there's some deal breaker. It really really sucks, but alto is right: this is not a guy who is long term material.

Hang in there, be extra nice to yourself, and please accept my heart-felt whuffles. Sending hugs.
posted by Specklet 18 June | 16:50
I was just coming in here to say something similar to what Obscure Reference just did. Also: these are the same people who will still act like immature highschool jackasses at your 20 year reunion, and who furthermore seem to be convinced that soapy Facebook drama is a significant contribution to a partnership.

by which I mean: this guy sounds like he's pretty emotionally immature, and is merely using you to bolster his own shaky self-esteem by luring you along with a tactic that a friend of mine likes to term "the breadcrumb trail of affection". Note that this sort of thing is neither nutritional, nor satisfying, nor yet even healthy or sustaining; however it's so very tempting to just follow along the trail and eagerly gobble up these random miserly bits of kindness by stroking their tender little egos.

there was an FPP about this kind of thing on the blue recently, related to abusive / codependent career and interpersonal relationships.

you owe it to yourself to find better adjusted individuals to hang your heart on. They're definitely out there. I know right now, you're absolutely convinced that all of these characters were The One, but really? First of all, great guys are plentiful, furthermore, they often don't look all that enticing at first glance, because they are eclipsed by the glare of these loud, shiny, flirtsome Peacock-Boys who are essentially just professional Attention Getters.

there's a significant chance that while you've got your laser beam narrowly focussed on one of these breadcrumb strewing, just-not-that-into-you emotionally stunted but oh-so-showy Peacock-Boys, you're completely overlooking that shy, nerdy, considerably interested but terrified-to-ask-you-out guy in your peripheral vision.
posted by lonefrontranger 18 June | 16:57
Thank you all for the support. You are all right, as always.

This would be far less painful if there were even REMOTELY a possibility of someone else waiting in the wings. It's actually frightening, the lack of candidates who cross my path. Online dating Does. Not. Work. for me. (other women talk about oh how awful it is to have to sort through all the emails they get, and I'm like, huh?) I finally got more-than-one date a year ago, someone right here from MeCha in fact, but it didn't feel right and I'm not one of those people who will stay with someone just because I don't want to be alone; I can't pretend to feel something for someone when I don't.

As for offline dating, well, I do a million activities, and in every single social situation I'm in, I'm always looking for a man who is: single, straight, my age, decent looking, gainfully employed, and not too crazy, and it's again frightening how seldom I encounter these traits in one person. Apparently that's too much to ask for, God/whomever?!

Sorry. Totally unbalanced at the moment.
posted by Melismata 18 June | 17:34
Sympathy! Just yesterday I was reflecting on the pains of "dating" (or whatever that was I was doing) in my late 20s-early 30s, and how much happier I was once I figured out that I actually preferred being determinedly single to getting involved with someone who didn't treat me right... or burning up my energy on that excruciating near-involvement you describe: ouch, that starts out so delicious and tantalizing and yet ultimately such a tedious drag.

So, nothing to offer but empathy and rueful nods.
posted by Elsa 18 June | 17:53
WARNING: Quasi-Jungian psychobabble that helped me in the past ahead.

After being painfully single until meeting my husband in my late 30s I learned this: that what you think is the perfect guy in every way is what you think YOU SHOULD BE. When I realized that my "ideal man" wasn't the man I wanted to be with, rather the person I wanted to BE, I was able to stop projecting that ideal onto other people and become it myself. Less than 9 months after that revelation I met my future husband. I think it's because I no longer felt an "inner void", so our courtship allowed us a certain level of friendship first. Dunno.

I know this sounds crazy, but it's along the lines of "love yourself blah blah blah", only not as annoying.

And yes, sadly, you will kiss a LOT of frogs in this life before you find a winner.
posted by evilcupcakes 18 June | 21:21
"single, straight, my age, decent looking, gainfully employed, and not too crazy"

Oh noes, one only gets to pick five and you have to compromise/work on the sixth.
posted by fuq 19 June | 09:11
"single, straight, my age, decent looking, gainfully employed, and not too crazy"

what fuq said. As a fellow List-maker, ask me how I know this. I could easily have rejected mr. lfr on the basis of your #3 (and I was pretty dismissive of him in that regard, early in our relationship). Very fortunately for me, a good mutual friend told me flat out how wrong-headed and full of shit my attitude was.

When I realized that my "ideal man" wasn't the man I wanted to be with, rather the person I wanted to BE, I was able to stop projecting that ideal onto other people and become it myself.

yea, pretty much.

posted by lonefrontranger 19 June | 11:18
When I realized that my "ideal man" wasn't the man I wanted to be with, rather the person I wanted to BE, I was able to stop projecting that ideal onto other people and become it myself.

This is really interesting.
posted by Firas 21 June | 13:02
"I'm comic sans, a#$hole" || who took my staple(s/er)??