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17 May 2010

AskMeCha: Well, my nephew is disappointing us.→[More:]

You may recall that he had a baby with his girlfriend. The kid is now 16 months old, and they just broke up. Apparently, the girls never stop chasing him.

The poor kid barely graduated high school and works as a dishwasher. He pays $100/month child support (mom and the kid get food stamps, Medicaid, etc., and he's supposed to contrbute some $200/month in sundries like diapers). Now he's got some new girlfriend who just had a baby herself but the daddy beat her up, AND on top of this he has a love-of-his-life up in Wisconsin Dells.

The first post-breakup visit with his son, he brought the new girl to McDonald's, and of course the ex was upset, but then he was yelling at her in Mickey Ds. The new gf is a real ... sit there silently and pretend elsewhere type. She doesn't even say hello much.

Anyway, after this we had a yell with him about how he should put his kid first and this did result in a much more copacetic visit on Tuesday. But then he started sneaking into my mom's place (this is her grandson, she's effectively his "mom") with the new girl, she got really upset and banned her.

So, today, he moved out. He's packing up his stuff and going out to his bio-mom's, who he usually hates, but she's A-OK with this lifestyle since it's pretty much how she had the kids with my brother in the first place (uh, only one is his, he agreed to marry her with baggage on the way). Bio-mom was trying to break him up with the ex from the beginning. Stupidly, this whole family is full of passive-aggressive traits and so nephew and his sister were moving his stuff out right in front of me without saying more than "hello" about it.

I don't want to draw too sharp a line here -- my mom is calling the new girlfriends sluts, which is sort of unhelpful and prudish. The issue is his behavior. By contrast the nephew's ex has been over here hanging out with the nephew's sisters and giving us time with their son, so she's quite mature by contrast. She's in school and might be able to get into her desired Vet Tech program if a slot opens up. Considering she has developmental difficulties similar to my nephew and his sisters, she's doing quite well.

Rambling, big cast of characters, it's a Fellini movie, I'm not looking for sympathy or advice really. I don't think there's much of a chance now that he'll go back to school or do much more with his life, because these girls that he's comfortable with are not going to demand that of him. I'm mostly afraid he's now going to be a dishwasher for the rest of his life, and create serial families as a desirable baby daddy.

Uff da.

post by: dhartung at: 12:34 | 13 comments

That's just a huge mess. For all involved. :(

posted by sperose 17 May | 12:42

You just described my nephew and the crap he threw at my sister.

posted by Ardiril 17 May | 12:48

I know how frustrating it is to have people in the family behaving in such a lost way. What stinks is how permanent the consequences for him are - being a father, and all. Is there anyone in his life, another man maybe, who he actually trusts and looks up to, who is more together than he is? It would be so good for him if there were someone he would listen to who could help keep things on the rails.

Sorry to hear it, you've had enough family stress already!

posted by Miko 17 May | 13:45

Miko, that would be me. I'm closer to him than any other male figure, as far as I can tell. But he concealed from me that he was having this kid in the first place (he went from "I'm not going to make any mistakes, it's a bad idea to have a kid at my age" to "um, I'm having a kid" overnight) and that he was stepping out on the ex-gf (claiming she didn't trust him with his platonic female friends, but he had a lot of those, and apparently she had good reason not to).

We've already given him the lecture, my mom and I, on how he's going to lose our respect if he doesn't put his son first from now on.

And of course it's not just him. I pointed out to him how if he thought he had problems communicated with the ex, well, now he's gotten himself committed to 17 more years of dealing with her, so it's up to him how he handles that. We pointed out how he came from divorced parents who couldn't talk to each other (apple, tree, not far, etc.) and didn't want his son to have the same experience.

posted by dhartung 17 May | 13:54

That's very similar to the drama my younger brother brought into the family back in the late '80s. Long story short*, after a rough start my bro ended up being the sane, reasonable, responsible member of the whole mess. He now has five children (three his, two step and three of them are adults now) who love him. Work/money have been a struggle for him, but he now also has a decent career and life for himself.

Hopefully, at some point, your nephew will grow up.

*I can expand on this if you wish.

posted by deborah 17 May | 13:58

Yeah, deborah, I don't mean to imply it's hopeless. For all his baggage he's a decent, reasonably smart kid. But ultimately he's given himself a serious boat-anchor or two to drag around. While we had hopes for him keeping things going with the ex, who's ambitious, it feels like he's rejecting those options for now. All in all, though, my parents did raise him relatively well and I'm pretty certain he'll never, say, turn to a life of crime. Unfortunately, though, he's got a lot of influences around him who think an unmarried, serial family, heavy drinking, trailer park lifestyle is, well, typical.

The ex, I don't know how she turned out so well. Her parents are kind enough, decent enough working-class folks with a few hard knocks like heart disease thrown at them, but out of three girls they raised she's the only one who isn't auditioning for a reality show -- the others already have three kids among them and both have dated physical abusers and one is currently living with a convicted child molester.

posted by dhartung 17 May | 14:14

How old is your nephew?

I think I'd resign myself to the fact that I couldn't do too much about his behaviour and draw the line at refusing to enable him and being succinct and honest with him whenever we spoke, and concentrate on trying to support the mother of the kid and trying to be a loving, stable, helpful presence in the kid's life.

posted by Orange Swan 17 May | 14:57

He's 21. Emotional age probably more like 17, not that it matters. Yeah, OS, that's pretty much the advice I gave my mom.

posted by dhartung 17 May | 15:19

Sorry dhartung - it's hard to stand by and watch something like this unfold.

posted by gomichild 17 May | 16:37

Wow. That's quite a story dhartung.

posted by jouke 17 May | 16:52

What a story, dhartung. I hope things turn out ok somehow.

posted by halonine 17 May | 22:42

aww, jeez. I feel for all of you, I really do. My son has had a hard time making his way, but understands about birth control really well, thankfully. Hey, he listened to something I taught him; whaddaya know. I'm a peace, love and freedom hippie, and my son joined the United States Army, where structure and discipline abound. So far, so good, esp. since his current posting is in the US, where he won't get shot at. He's okay at avoiding the worst of bar fighting, too (insert weak smile).

Testosterone is powerful stuff; I have sympathy for you and wish you the best. I hope his child gets the love and attention necessary.

posted by theora55 18 May | 11:29

I wish I could help with a great anecdotal story, but I can't do that without betraying a confidence. All I can say is that it's tough, but livable.

posted by TrishaLynn 18 May | 21:08

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