:(
I wish I could figure this out too. But I do know that my family is on the 'push out of a moving vehicle' side.

*volunteers to be pleased*

I guess I don't consider "Don't do that" to be a form of criticism, maybe because in my job field "Don't do that" is usually something along the lines of "Don't push that button or a big crane will drop on your head", "... or the server will crash, losing all work saved today", "... or we will be sued by the federal government".

And working with interns and the like, I usually start with "Try to keep a working copy of anything you're doing instead of saving over the template files", and if they still aren't doing some task up to my standards, I don't really know where to go except "Stop saving over the template!" or whev.

I don't really know about gender differences because I only work with a few women. I tend to assume that most of my coworkers know what they're doing, and they afford me the same respect. If someone is unsure, they're supposed to either ask or muddle along until they figure it out.

You handle it with Firas' Sexy Decision Tree:

Other Party: "Firas, you act like an idiot *and* your favourite coffee sucks!"

1) I don't care to listen to what you're saying.
2) I care to listen to what you're saying

2. (a) I agree with you.
2. (a)(i) But don't care, I love this coffee!
2. (a)(ii) And have a substantive reason to do what I'm doing instead.

2. (b) I disagree with you
2. (b)(i) And don't care chew over why
2. (b)(ii) And here's why.

Okay this is a very ad-hoc rendition of my Sexy Decision Tree but I was going through a really insecure period a few months ago where I was beginning to put something together like this, like how to think this stuff through instead of wallowing in anxiety. I don't really remember it anymore but maybe I will finesse it later!

I know what you mean about the 'ways of saying' thing. I'm much more amenable to "Don't do X with me because it makes me feel Y" than e.g. "You don't have the right to do X with me!" which is just really strange phrasing and weirds me out.

The gender angle is sorta true with me too.. for some reason (as a guy) when I feel hostility or contention from women I take it much more seriously/annoyed-ly than from men with whom I'm often just like 'fuck him'. lol.

It really depends on the type of criticism. Like I said the taste or behavior based criticism (and especially, the "I'm going to police your synapses" type criticism or "how dare you think this" type criticism) is much more likely to trigger a mind-fuck in me than anything 'serious'/substantive like "hey you screwed this task up" which for me is just like, yeah, I really did. That's much more objective like.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that you're sensitized differently to different sorts of criticisms from different sorts of people. And you don't necessarily need to give everyone a fair shake everytime unless it's objective/substantive or consequence-based criticism.

Plus sometimes it's hard to filter because we have all these political tools that tell us that some types of criticism is invalid/objectionable outright and you started getting your 'defense' on as soon as you hear it. Which is neither good nor bad but it makes things murky.

Another issue that changes your receptivity to the criticism has also to do with whether someone seems to be in your 'in-group' (I trust that you care for me) or an out-group in that moment/issue. That should go into the Decision Tree thingie too.

This is why sometimes literally-aggressive criticism like "what on earth, stop doing this! Come on." can be seen as friendly when you feel the person just wants you to do better.

Because you would rather hear that then "I don't even care anymore" from them.

Yeah. . .it's complicated. I get defensive when I hear absolutes - "You are doing X. Stop doing X, because it has this consequense." This fails to take into account WHY I am doing wrong thing X in the first place, which could very well be because of the critic's actions T, U, V, and W. "What's going on with X? Why are you doing that?" allows me to explain and laugh away, and feel that group inclusion thing.

It is also very complicated that I want to climb Firas' sexy decision tree until Eideteker reprimands me harshly for doing so.

My problem with most criticism is that MOST people are stupid-heads.

From my completely ignorant position this sounds more like a problem with respect - your critics don't respect you and probably think you don't know what you're doing. If this is the case, focusing on the symptom (ie, being criticized "in the wrong way") isn't going to solve the ultimate problem - that your expertise is not being respected. Or maybe your critic is just uncouth.

I have received this sort of treatment from a (very VERY alpha-male) client before, but with clients we have to take a certain submissive position and pretend that "they're always right" - it's a lot easier to swallow the bitter pill of being disrespected when I'm getting paid big bucks to do so.

Yup. Stupid-heads.

lol. Down this instant, Rain Baby, no climbing in riding boots!

Here's my sexy decision tree:

1. Request comes in
2. Can I fulfill request immediately?
2a. If yes, fulfill request
2b. If no, find out why
3a. If fulfillment is dependent upon another task, finish other task.
3b. See step 2.

Etc. and so forth.

However, if I am ever interrupted somewhere after Step 2b, I get defensive about it and let the people waiting know why I can't do such a thing. No bucks stop with me unless there's a damn good reason why and it's something I can't control.

Hmm. I guess I'm a "don't do this" type of gal, never thought of that but it rings true. Like Muddgirl I'm in the "don't do this" camp because "pushing the red button will send missiles halfway across the earth", it's not a subjective "don't do this". If you need instructions on how to do something instead; ask.

Ok, fine, when talking about typefaces, it's very subjective, but my "don't do this":es aren't. If I do say "don't" regarding a typeface (which is rare), there's 6 years of art&design school plus 15 years of experience talking, and if you're not listening (I'm looking at you twenty-something guy who so gleefully ignores my orders), I get quite ticked off. Yes, I said orders, because in this case, I am the client. Effing don't do that already!

/vent. Man I've had a shit day.

oh, and if someone says a "don't do X" to me, I usually immediatly shoot back a "how should I do X?", sometimes with the addition "Y said do X, how do you want me to do X?". People take this as me being defensive, but I really just want to clear up how X shall be done. Annoying. I mean, that people think I'm defensive when asking for clarification.

In my experience, a lightly-applied layer of exasperation is helpful sometimes, like "For pete's sake! I'm trying to do my job here and boneheads like you keep stepping in and 'correcting' me? When does it end, lord??? When does it end?????"

(OK, that's a pretty heavy layer...)

Hahahaha! Does that really work? :)

at gunpoint.

For me, I think there's a difference between someone saying, "You're doing X wrong" (as if it's an objective definitive cannot-be-argued-with reality) versus saying, "I'd prefer Y" -- even better if it's "I can see what you're doing with X, but I think we need Y because of A, B, and C" -- (as if it's simply a subjective preference).

And when I'm making corrections on someone else's work, I almost always phrase at least parts of it as "Would it be possible to try Y?" or "What do you think about Y?", and I'm totally willing to hear "We can't do Y because of A, B, and C." I like thinking of things as collaborations rather than orders.

All that's mostly with work, though. I have a harder time with criticism in my personal life. Mostly because I'm either *so* invested in the other person's opinion that any bit of perceived harshness (whether that perception is justified or not) makes me crumble, or else I *so* *don't* *care* what they think that I'm offended they're trying to correct me at all. So it's really easy for me to flip into defensiveness on the one hand or condescension on the other. I think I have the best response to someone who does approach me collaboratively, in a kind of "I'm having a problem with what you're doing, and I know we're in this relationship together, so what can we do to solve this issue?" way. Then it's more like a banding-together and less like a competition between us.

I prefer criticism to be offered this way: "Hey, you might want to try doing XYZ this way because ABC." Offering an explanation as to why I may want to do it another way is very important to me. Otherwise I may very well get my nose out of joint and just say fuck it to the whole thing.

However, if it is an emergency, "Stop doing that right now!" is fine, but I still want an explanation. "You'll set your hair on fire" or "you'll get us arrested", etc.

The above situations are how I offer criticism, or at least try to depending on the situation.

I ignore it.

It is also very complicated that I want to climb Firas' sexy decision tree until Eideteker reprimands me harshly for doing so.

That's it, rainbaby. Report to #bunnies ASAP for a severe dressing down.

I take criticism about my creative endeavors (photography) very extremely well from my brother. I listen to what he has to say, take into account his creative experience and suggestions, and have a dialogue as to why I did what I did and why his suggestions are great/sucky. No one gets hurt.

I take criticism about my creative endeavors very extremely poorly from my partner. I get defensive, feel like he's criticizing me rather than my work, and feel stupid for even trying to be creative in the first place. I get hurt and give up on whatever I'm doing, then he gets hurt that I gave up because he really wants me to succeed.

So, uh, I don't have any suggestions for you. Only that I feel ya, sister.

At my work, all criticism is couched in passive aggressive terms. So I say:

Thanks so much [person Y]! :) I really appreciate all your hard work. Do you think you could please do X? I'm sorry for the trouble. :)

And then if they don't do X or don't do X right, I tell either their supervisor or the CTO, also passive aggressively:

Hi [supervisor or CTO], I really don't want to point fingers, but if person Y could do X from now on, that would be really great! :) [Attach either links to X done wrong or even better, transcripts of IM conversations between me and person Y.]

It's not really how I prefer to do things, but it's the company culture.

That sounds so much like "Office Space", twiggy!

"If you could go ahead and fill out those TPS reports, that'd be great..."