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29 January 2010

A death alone Last night, we heard knocking on our door at 11 PM. It was four strangers who had come to tell us that my wife's mother, Phyllis, had died. Phyllis had just turned 83 and lived across town. [More:]The last time we'd all been together was on Thanksgiving. On that day, we had one other guest, a friend of ours with cancer who probably won't live much longer. We never thought Christine's mother would be the one we'd lose in two months. She apparently had a heart attack in her living room while trying to feed her parrot. She probably lay on the floor dead for about a day until a neighbor saw her. That's the part I'm having a hard time with. Neither my mother nor my father died alone. I'm wondering what passed through Phyllis's mind, and ludicrously, what the parrot thought as he saw her fall and lie there. Thank you for reading this.
It's madness to dwell on the dying alone thing. I know how that can eat at you. Still, we all die our own way and really we all die alone. My sympathy to you all.
posted by arse_hat 30 January | 00:05
I am so very sorry for your loss.
posted by jrossi4r 30 January | 00:06
Sorry for your loss lukemeister.
posted by gomichild 30 January | 00:16
My sympathies, lukemeister.
posted by typewriter 30 January | 00:29
Very sorry, dear.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 30 January | 01:50
I have been close to death a few times, and dying while caring for my pet is far preferable to the situations I was in.
posted by Ardiril 30 January | 02:08
I'm sorry, lukemeister. It sounds as if she knew little about it, just feeding her bird and then gone. Please don't give yourself a hard time about this.
posted by essexjan 30 January | 05:05
My condolences.
posted by drezdn 30 January | 07:43
I'm really sorry. I'm sure it's hard.
posted by JanetLand 30 January | 07:51
I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by Kangaroo 30 January | 07:52
Sorry, lukemeister.
posted by Obscure Reference 30 January | 09:23
I'm so sorry, lukemeister.
posted by Stewriffic 30 January | 09:35
I'm sorry for your loss lukemeister!
posted by stynxno 30 January | 09:44
Lukemeister, my sympathies are with you and your wife.
posted by msali 30 January | 10:09
Very sorry to hear about this. There's no good way to die, but when it's sudden like this, it's a very hard blow for the family.

But try not to beat yourself up over the alone thing. From what you're saying, it sounds like the other side of that is that she was independent and didn't have to cope with the indignity of a long illness or being looked after.

We don't get to choose how it happens, we just have to accept what does.
posted by TheophileEscargot 30 January | 10:50
(((lukemeister & family)))
posted by Doohickie 30 January | 11:00
I'm so sorry; that's very hard.

There's no way anyone could have predicted this. Having seen many people die, this in some ways was merciful - no long months in pain, no dread. I am sure she knew she was loved by you and your wife.
posted by Miko 30 January | 11:04
So sorry, lukemeister... my thoughts go out to you and yours this weekend. *hug*
posted by BoringPostcards 30 January | 11:06
My sympathies to you and your wife, lukemeister. It sounds like it was a fairly quick death, and if that's the case your mother-in-law likely had no time to wish anyone was with her. If your mother-in-law had been conscious for any length of time she would probably have tried to get to the phone.
posted by Orange Swan 30 January | 11:15
My condolences on your loss.
posted by flex 30 January | 11:29
Thanks very much to all of you. Phyllis had a stroke over 4 years ago and had fully recovered, but she really didn't like doctors and had stopped taking all of her medication. Christine wanted to bring by a birthday cake two weeks ago, but they had a fraught relationship and Phyllis declined. Two of Christine's sisters will arrive from Chicago tomorrow. There will be no funeral service. Again, thanks for your comforting words.
posted by lukemeister 30 January | 11:35
My thoughts are with you and Christine. . .
posted by danf 30 January | 11:42
I'm so sorry. Please don't beat yourself up about this. Try to be there for your wife, and be good to each other.
posted by iconomy 30 January | 12:07
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by box 30 January | 12:15
so sorry for your loss.
posted by Firas 30 January | 13:16
I'm sorry for your loss. There's no reason for either of you to feel bad about not being there - you can't be with or watch people 24/7.
posted by dg 30 January | 18:05
I am sorry for your loss.
posted by redvixen 30 January | 20:14
I have no life, || When I get

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