Dear former band mates,

I know that we haven't talked in a long time and I know that you know I live overseas now, but I'm miffed that you didn't ask me to participate in the reunion show you did last year. I couldn't have made it, but it stung not to be invited.

Dear Former Friend,

No really. Why did you turn into such a prick? I still haven't figured it out.

That this reminds me of this.

Dear boss,

Seriously, when you ask me if I'm working on the holiday that I have worked on for the past 2 years AND I TELL YOU THAT I'M WORKING--I typically expect to be all alone in the office. So yeah, telling the other dude the day before you ask me that he can come in and work too--that's ass.

And if I get fucked out of my time and a half, I'm going to be extra pissy. I know we don't get paid much here, but it seems like y'all just want to fuck me left and right and sideways.

Dear coworker who randomly showed up today,

I will fucking cut you if you try to be all chatty and shit. I'm more than a little dizzy if I turn my head to the left and I didn't put on any makeup this morning and if you make any smart ass remarks about me yawning--my fist is going in your face.

I'm really sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired (repeat ad, beyond and through nauseum).

I try to take action by a code exalting reason and humanity. Every step is a mark on the world so I plant it sure and true. I generally live in a way that satisfies this devotion; all the while, my mind reels from superstition and uncertainty.

What's more, in my fantasy I fancy this unique.

I've grown sick of nostalgia. I don't want to reminisce anymore. I mean, it's fun and all but the thing is...Memory Lane is a loop. Let's go somewhere new together.

Dear former co-worker turned neighbor,

I really don't want to hang out. Since you moved in downstairs, and got fired from the place of employment where we met, I have seen aspects of you which I do not enjoy or approve of, and I can't really be friends with you. but I can't tell you that because you live so close by.

Meh,

Riverine.

Jesus almighty Christ Dear people,
Please learn how to drink from a water fountain, such as the one facing my office, without slurping. I will make a reciprocal effort to learn how to not turn your head into reddish-gray pudding. This is what I believe is known as a win-win situation.

Dear capitalism,

You suck.

Love, JP

Dear socialism,

You think you're so great, heh?!?

Well,
I guess you're better than capitalism.

Dear boss,
thanks for asking me to do a huge pile of tasks that I can't complete before going on holidays tomorrow.
Love me.

Dear stupid people,
please do not be stupid, ok?
Love me.

Dear brother-in-law,
it's lovely to see you and my sister again, it's been awhile, and you seem to be on good behaviour so far, but please don't piss me off while I'm here. Kthxbai.
Love me.

Oh, p.s. Bro-in-law: just because you live in the town that my head office is based in, doesn't mean you know the address better than me. I know the building looks like it's on a different street, but the postal address is great Clarendon street. I know. I send post there every day.

Dear specific people,

Please stop being such a fucking flake. You say you want to hang out more or X and Y, but you only say these things and you don't actually do them. I frequently get excited about social occasions and interacting with people and so when you propose doing things with me, I get my hopes up. Then, you don't do those things. Some of you have frequent excuses, some of you just have nothing to say about your failure to appear and additional failure to communicate.

If you continue to behave this way, I will stop making any attempts to interact with you at all. I know I'm no hot-shot catch, but you really suck in a very genuine way. Why would you behave like this?

Dear Office Blowhard,

Do you realize that your continued existence, at least one in which I have neither verbally nor literally flayed you for your despicable and incessant political ranting, is solely due to constant repetitions of Rostropovich playing the adagio from Haydn's Cello Concerto #1?

Do you?

Sincerely hoping your head falls off,

me

Dear Me,

Do some frickin' work.

Love,
Me

Dear world,

Stop failing to recognize how awesome I am!