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30 October 2009

Red-Letter Day! You know how you get emails forwarded from your parents? And you usually just sort of sigh? I am delighted to report that today, my mom sent me something that made me laugh out loud.[More:]

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet..

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
I'm glad you enjoyed it, scody. I hate/love to be the one to tell you that it's an evergreen. :)
posted by mudpuppie 30 October | 14:49
I am delighted to report that today, my mom sent me something that made me laugh out loud.

I read this line and snorted aloud, and then it dawned on me that you meant she sent something that was funny on purpose.

Not that this says anything about my email communications with the previous generation. No.
posted by Elsa 30 October | 14:59
Oh, I figured it was an oldie, mudpuppie. It was just nice to get one that was actually still good!

Elsa: good point. I've laughed before at stuff she's sent, but more in the "oh my god, mom really thinks there are colonies of spiders waiting to kill me in bathrooms at Olive Gardens all over the country."
posted by scody 30 October | 15:09
In fact, speaking of urban legends, it's sort of fun to go to the Snopes Hot 25 and count up which ones have been sent to me, referenced in a conversation, or are likely to show up in my inbox or get referenced during a phone call in the next couple of months.
posted by scody 30 October | 15:44
Ha! The hoaxalicious Erickson laptop giveaway (listed at the top of Snopes' hot 25) showed up in my inbox two days ago, forwarded by my mother-in-law.

As noted in the Snopes description, this one is particularly galling because it contains a note saying "I checked it out with Snopes! It is legit!"

So, somewhere along the line, someone learned that invoking the name of Snopes will keep the damn thing moving, even if it's obviously and verifiably nonsense.
posted by Elsa 30 October | 16:12
I must be living in a cave. I either haven't seen this or saw it so long ago that I've forgotten it.

Anyway, I enjoyed it. It definitely made me laugh.

Thanks scody for posting it!!
posted by marsha56 30 October | 16:32
I'm fairly certain I read this in some cat joke book or another. Still made me smile, though.

Also, what marsha said.
posted by Daniel Charms 30 October | 16:39
My aunt Dot is the worst. She's 94 and she forwards every cat, dog, and bunny picture that every got uploaded anywhere, plus some pretty racy stuff about octogenarians and sex. Yeah I don't usually open those. . .
posted by danf 30 October | 16:42
My aunt Dot is the worst. She's 94 and she forwards every cat, dog, and bunny picture that every got uploaded anywhere

OMG Bunnies and lemonparty? Sign her up for a metachat account-- she'd fit in perfectly!
posted by dersins 30 October | 17:52
Not THAT racy. . .but now you have me pondering how to get brought to her attention without her knowing it's me.
posted by danf 30 October | 17:57
dersins, my thoughts exactly. You beat me to it!
posted by Miko 30 October | 20:37
Oh god no. . .please. . . .not Aunt Dot!
posted by danf 30 October | 21:54
My dad forwarded one to me a couple of weeks ago that was "The Evolution of Math." It started with a word problem about the cost of lumber in the 1950s, and each successive decade it changes, ending with the 2000s. The last two decades featured Environmentalist and Mexican Immigrant dog whistles (Environmentalists hate lumber! Now the problem's in Spanish!). If I wasn't convinced the preceding forwarder's inbox wasn't already a cesspool of spam, I'd have signed him up for some awful junk, as no one in the chain of forwards had removed anyone else's email address.

This one, though, made me laugh. I hope I get reincarnated as a Golden Retriever. I think I'd enjoy being that kind of stupid happy.
posted by gc 31 October | 02:13
My dad thankfully doesn't do the forwarding thing but he does type his emails as though he's composing a telegram. One of the very first ones he sent looked like this:


He's 86, lifetime military. He's stopped with the stops but nobody is going to get him to give up that caps lock key.
posted by jamaro 31 October | 13:59
evergreen? whassat?
posted by chewatadistance 31 October | 20:16
jamaro, that's hilarious. I feel like that would be a great opening for a short story.
posted by scody 01 November | 17:43
Captain Kirk is climbing a mountain. || Caskets Online: