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20 September 2009

If the banana is in fact proof that God exists [source: the internet], then the approximately eight billion species of burrs, needles, sticky seed pods and various other hitchhikers -- all eight billion of which which occur within a 100m radius of my house -- are equally good proof that he's a real shit and best avoided.
"Behold, the atheist's nightmare."

Uh, these people claiming that the perfectly formed banana proves the existence of a benevolent god*... do they not know that every mass-market banana they've ever seen is a cloned Cavendish banana? Other banana cultivars differ wildly in size, shape, and texture. That natural variation undercuts the "perfectly made for human hands!" argument. (Also, how is, say, the apple not perfectly made for the human hand?)

Of course, because Cavendishes are clones, they are unable to evolve defenses against blights and fungi, leaving them vulnerable to the spreading strain of Panama disease. The (apparently inevitable) banana apocalypse (bananapocalypse!) seems like another flaw in the otherwise not-at-all-silly reasoning.
posted by Elsa 20 September | 08:41
*Am I wrong to assume a benevolent monkey god? Because that is a church I could get behind.
posted by Elsa 20 September | 08:49
I believe I may have made a tactical error in mentioning the banana argument, in so much as it distracts from my central thesis, which was: If I have to remove one more needle or sticktight, divinely created or otherwise, I am going to go berserky-fuck.
posted by Wolfdog 20 September | 08:59
Oh, those pointies and bristlies are the worst. Forget I mentioned bananas.

Except for the monkey god. Remember that part.
posted by Elsa 20 September | 09:16
Wow. THe mind reels with questions:

1. What about all the other food that monkeys and humans eat? The food that doesn't fit our hands as well? I'm not sure an all-banana diet is going to be good for optimal health.

2. Does the host have any sense of how ridiculously suggestive his banana-into-hand move? Or does the fact that I snickered just prove that I'm a corrupt heathen, perhaps demon-possessed?

3. Does the host understand that all forms of modern produce take those forms because of milennia of human selection and cultivation, and that the plant forms they have been developed from have traits that are in many ways quite dissimilar to their modern analogues, which were gradually developed through human cultivation and manipulation of individuals with genetic mutations? I understand that uncultivated bananas were actually so starchy and seedy as to be basically inedible.

4. Should I be surprised and dejected that anyone could be so confidently stupid? Or should I cynically assume that this sort of flabby attempt at wearing the robes of logic is par for the course?

5. What other foods has God designed to fit our hands so well? Do Twizzlers count? Slim Jims? Flav-R-Ice? Is it a sin to slice bananas and eat them on cereal, denying God's gift of this perfection of shape and soft skin? What about banana bread? In destroying this wisely and lovingly designed shape by harshly mashing its softened pulp to a paste, am I turning away from God? I know apples are from the Devil, and I'm not so sure about tomatoes, which seem a little bit worldly. But what about oranges? Grapes? Other produce - Brussels Sprouts? Broccoli (clearly unnatural). And what about hybrids like tangelos and pluots? Should those species really be mixing?
posted by Miko 20 September | 10:05
Ok. I've got my spurs on and positioned myself behind the benevolent monkey god and I have my perfectly shaped banana in hand ... now what do I do?
posted by danostuporstar 20 September | 10:08
Raven laughs at the humans bumbling through the brush.
posted by D.C. 20 September | 10:46
Do Twizzlers count? Slim Jims? Flav-R-Ice?

Push-Up Pops --- the atheist's nightmare!
posted by Elsa 20 September | 11:14
Though there appears to be real support for the banana-as-proof-of-benevolent-god thing, I actually kinda assumed the fellow in the video was putting it on. He seems a little... over the top.
posted by Elsa 20 September | 11:16
I'm more likely to agree with Ben Franklin that Beer is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy. Random natural disasters, i.e., tsunami, gas-filled lakes, mudslides, suggest that any god is as likely to be a malevolent bastard as a benevolent pal.

Beer, however, is quite nice.
posted by theora55 20 September | 12:06
Oh, it's been fun for a while!

Athiest's Nightmare debunked

Peanut Butter: The Athiest's Nightmare (in which we learn that the creation of life by natural processes is impossible, because you can't do it by opening a jar of peanut butter and exposing it to light and heat).

I would call these logical fallacies, except they're more like serious developmental delays. This kind of thinking is what Piaget hung out in kindergartens for.

posted by Miko 20 September | 13:14
Does hating bananas prove anything theological? 'Cause I really hate those damn slimy smooshy things.
posted by octothorpe 20 September | 13:27

I just became a polytheist.
posted by Elsa 20 September | 13:35
Berserky-fuck is my new favourite swear.
posted by Specklet 20 September | 14:24
Also, I have never felt as keen a pain as I have upon stepping on a sandspur. They are adamantine and minuscule can only be from a real shit of a god.
posted by Specklet 20 September | 14:30
I still say he (!) was a stoner freshman failing Universe Creation 101.

BTW, this universe is a fetus and the Big Bang origin continues to spew out matter, energy and furklid.
posted by Ardiril 20 September | 14:53
Re: monkey god, see Hinduism.
posted by unsurprising 20 September | 17:41
Bunny! OMG! || Killer Squirrel! OMG!