There was a VERY ugly man who lived in a shack by the railway tracks in the worst part of town. He frequented a pub nearby and the bar owner was used to the man coming in, drinking alone and leaving alone.

One day, the ugly man came in with a huge grin on his face and ordered a round for the bar. The owner served him his drink and asked the ugly dude what had happened - he seemed different.

"Oh boy," says the ugly man. "You wouldn't NOT believe what happened to me last night. It was amazing! I left here as usual and was walking home along the tracks when I saw a woman tied to the railway track!

"So I did what any man would do and rescued her. Untied her, took her back to my place to clean her up.

"And, well, one thing led to another and we ended up having the hottest sex of my life! My God! We did it everywhere - bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, the works."

"Wow!" says the bar owner. "That's amazing! Was she pretty, this girl that you rescued?"

"I don't know," says the ugly man. "I never did find her head."

No soap, radio!

driving by a ramshackle house, a man sees a sign, "talking dog." he stops and asks the old codger sitting on the porch where the dog is.
"around back," says the old guy.

the driver walks around back and finds a very ordinary looking dog. "do you talk?" he asks.

"I certainly do," says the dog.

The driver is flabbergasted. "How did this happen?" he asks.

"Well," says the dog, "all my litter mates began barking, but I just started talking. In fact, I went to Harvard. Then to the State
Department where I was posted abroad. I'd go into various foreign embassies where everyone assumed I was just a dog and they'd
talk openly in front of me. I'd go back to the embassy and divulge what I'd overheard; we had many diplomatic coups that way."

By now the driver is quite intrigued and asks the dog what hapens next.

'For my good work," he says, "I was posted to the Court of St. James in London. Then two years as deputy attache in Paris.
After that I got bored, took my pension, came back home, found a nice young lady; we had several puppies and now I'm retired and quite happy."

By now the driver is blown away. "Wait here," he says to the dog and he heads back to the old codger on the porch.

"That dog is remarkable," he says. "I don't suppose you'd like to sell him?"

"Sure," the old guy says. "You can have him for -- ten dollars."

"Ten dollars! That's all? For that remarkable animal."

"Aw, he's so full of it," says the old guy; "he's never done any of those things."

kangaroo...that's excellent.

I read this in the current New Yorker. . .a joke told in Russia. .

Q: Why are American men always so adamant about being with their wives, at the birth of their children?

A: Because they probably were not around for the conception.

I think I read this on Metafilter, but have since told it many times.

Q: What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

A: DR. DRE, MOTHERFUCKER

A man gets into a fight with Batman, who hits him with a vase and yells "T'PAU!"

"Don't you mean 'KAPOW!'?" asks the man

"No", says Batman, "I've got china in my hands"

f(x)= 2x + 3 walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't cater for functions."

(I think that was on the blue once.)

A man walks up to the railway ticket office in his local station. The station attendant asks, "Normal?"

The man replies, "No, I'm f****** crazy."