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29 June 2009

Does anyone want to edit this sentence for me? I am writing a letter to the editor of my local daily. . .[More:]About the fact that, even with the continuing challenge of being lgbt in the US, things are a lot better, thanks to the work of those gay people who have come before. The following sentence seems too clunky, but I am not sure how to fix it. . .any ideas?


Our daughter can be "out" and live a life in which her preference of who she loves will, at worst, not get her killed, and at best, not get her shunned by society at large.


The whole letter is below, for context:

The recent police raid in a gay bar in Fort Worth, Texas highlights the ongoing challenge of being gay in the U. S. in the 21st Century. Add the fact that it will still be a number of years until full marriage equality is achieved, and the fact that we currently have a president who seems to be interested in the votes and donations of gay people, but not so much in anything substantial that would further the cause of equality. And, although they are rarer, episodes of gay-bashing still occur, even in [my burg].

But, on the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots, and as parents of a lesbian daughter, we want to take a moment from today's concerns in order to express our thanks and appreciation for those lesbian and gay people who came of age in previous decades. We realize that our daughter has a much easier road to hoe than those who endured the prejudice and outright violence in decades past. The fact that we can even be discussing marriage equality and other aspects of gay politics is due to the work of older gay people, a number of which we are proud to call friends. Our daughter can be "out" and live a life in which her preference of who she loves will, at worst, not get her killed, and at best, not be shunned by society at large.

We know that it was not always like this, and we would just like to say, "thanks," those still with us, and gone, who came before her.
I've done a quick edit. I cut a lot of contradictory passages:
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The [DATE] raid of [The Rainbow Bar?], a gay bar in Fort Worth, Texas, highlights the ongoing challengeS of GAYS in the U.S. in the 21st Century.

Although less FREQUENT, gay-bashing still occurS, even in [my burg].

On the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots, and as parents of a lesbian daughter, we want to take a moment TO express thanks and appreciation TO THE lesbians and gays OF previous decades.

That we can even discuss marriage equality today is due to the work of prior generations of lesbians and gays, a number of WHOM we are proud to call friends.

So today we say "thanks" to those activists who paved the way for her generation.

Our daughter has a much easier road to [TRAVEL-- we don't hoe roads] than [due to prior generations...].
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
[You could edit your sentence like this below but it will get cut. It is somewhat repetitive and superfluous. Good luck! Watch prepositions, who/whom, and "be" verbs.]

Our daughter choice of lovers will no longer get her killed nor stigmatize her.

[And it really conflicts with your complaints about Obama and Ft. Worth. In fact your letter expresses two separate ideas: are you lambasting the officials for allowing attacks to continue or are you thanking previous generations? Best to stick to one message.]

I'm a professional writer but not a journalist.
posted by soma2 29 June | 15:29
oops "than prior generations" or "due to prior generations" there at the end.
posted by soma2 29 June | 15:30
Well I wanted to say that *we* are not there yet but *we* are a lot closer than we used to be.

Thank you for the edits. . .I'll use most of them, most likely.
posted by danf 29 June | 15:33
. . .of who she loves is less likely to get her killed, may spare her shunning by society at large, and sometimes allows her to experience blessed acceptance.


Schmaltzfilter?

And listen to soma2!
posted by rainbaby 29 June | 15:34
danf, while stalling on my own work, I was thinking about your letter.

I think you could put in your important qualifier about Obama in a short second paragraph.

But since we don't know how far we are until marriage equality (seems far away but who knows?) I wouldn't use that sentence.

This is a really moving letter I'm sure will get in print. You are obviously a wonderful parent.
posted by soma2 29 June | 15:47
I started editing it and then realized that, to be honest, I'm not sure the sentiment is true. Gay bashing still happens, homophobia still happens. I get what you're saying, but I worry that you're overstating? Maybe something like:

Our daughter can be "out," and we do not have to live in constant fear that she will be shunned, arrested, or even killed due to the gender of her partner.

?

Tones it down a bit, streamlines the language a bit.

(Also, you might want, if you can, to edit out some of the "the fact that..."s. I use it all the time, too, but you've got a lot of little words in the letter and so locutions like that tend to get clunky.

Also also, and more importantly, nice sentiment!)
posted by occhiblu 29 June | 15:51
OK. . .editing and re-editing. . .it's getting better, although I am sticking to my guns on some points.

Thank you all for helping, so far.
posted by danf 29 June | 15:54
That expression you were thinking of? It's "row to hoe" as in crops.

But "road to travel" works too.
posted by tangerine 29 June | 20:46
Danf,

You know, one way to make both your points is to start your letter by thanking prior generations.

And then shift with a big BUT to your (very legitimate) complaints. Obama doesn't get enough heat about his inaction on any front. Hooray, he bought a puppy! What other promise has he kept? You should not lose that point in your revisions.

Marriage equality is trickier, because arguably it is a decision for the states and a function of continuing prejudice. You might say something like "Despite the progress we've made since Stonewall, we still don't have marriage equality."

Of course! row to hoe! Trisha Yearwood sings it in She's in Love with the Boy.

And I just want to reiterate that you sound like a great, great dad.

Post a final version, I'm sure we all want to see what you send.
posted by soma2 29 June | 21:00
I'd take out the commas after best and worst.
posted by brujita 29 June | 23:13
Automatic Inspiration Number 1: || Hello, I am an idiot. Albeit a very lucky, cancer-free idiot.

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