The city guy decides one morning to go out for a walk in the country. As he is ambling down the sunny country path, he comes across a simple farmer, tending his two cows.

"Good morning, farmer," says the city guy.

"And good morning to you, sir," says the farmer. And he pauses, and waits.

The city guy, out of his element, thinks that probably just ending it there isn't enough. Struggling for a further topic, he says, "Those are some fine cows you have there."

"Oh, yes, the white cow is a lovely cow, she is," says the farmer.

"And the black cow?"

"Well," the farmer pauses, "... yes, I suppose the black cow is good too."

"Yes, they certainly look fit and healthy," says the city guy.

"Indeed, the white cow is the healthiest I've ever had! Never needed the vet, full of life!" responds the farmer.

"And the black cow?"

"Well,... yes, the black cow is pretty healthy too."

"So I suppose they give a lot of milk then?"

The farmer beams. "You should see the white cow, come milking time, she's full to bursting with the creamiest milk, she is. Oh yes indeed, the white cow gives a lot of milk she does."

"And the black cow?"

"Oh, well, yes... I suppose the black cow gives a lot of milk too."

The city guy doesn't really know where to go with this. The farmer seems to really have something special for the white cow, even though the black cow seems just as good.

"You know, farmer, I don't mean to intrude, but it seems every time I ask you really favour the white cow...."

"Well, isn't it obvious?" asks the farmer, "The white cow is MY cow!"

"Ah, I see. And the black cow?"

"Well, yeah, the black cow is mine, too."

How I Saved A Chihuahua's Life -- Listen up to 2:15. You will want to leave out the "taco filling" part, but with a little rewording you can make it your own.

This teen boy, after much soul-searching, decides to retire to a monastery to begin a life of solitude and contemplation.

The only contact he will have with other humans, for the rest of his life, is the morning gathering, when the monks assemble in the courtyard, and the abbot appears on his balcony, and chants, "Good Morning," followed by the response from the several hundred assembled monks, "Good Morning."

With each morning gathering like this, all the monk could think of, during his hours of solitude and contemplation, is this morning ritual. His life goes on for months like this, with the abbot chanting "Good Morning," followed by the assembled men chanting back "Good Morning," then returning to their cells for meditation.

One day, unable to hold himself back, any longer, during the morning assembly, when the abbot appears on his balcony and chants, "Good Morning," and the assembled monks chanted "Good Morning" back, instead, this young novice monk chants "Good Evening."

To which the abbot, looking surprised, eyes searching his flock, chants, somewhat melodically, "Some Monk Chanted Evening."

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom "Oh honey, I think I'm going to have a little whisk broom..."

"That's IMPOSSIBLE!!" exclaimed the groom broom. "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER YET!!!"

rainbaby: Once you decide on a story, consider posting it here and giving us the opportunity to beef it up for you. MeCha has a lot of very funny and imaginative writers.

Because one of them may be a little too blue (but is funnier) I'll give you two! Both of these are from the funniest geologist I ever met. (Funnier/bluer one is first.)

1. Orrin Tucker was sleeping in bed with his wife one night when all of a sudden, the two of them were awoken by a terrible racket.

"STRANGERS IN THE NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! EXCHANGING GLANCES!"

Startled, and still half-asleep, they both stumbled out of the bedroom and into the hallway, but it was still just as loud. Orrin ran outside while his wife stayed inside, and while he could still hear it, he noticed it wasn't nearly as loud anymore. He ran back to his wife in the hallway, but by then it was just as loud as ever.

He checked every room in the house, unable to tell where it was coming from, and noticed that in every room he went in, it was a little bit softer than it was in the hallway. Confused, he went back to the hallway, and searched all over for the source of the noise, unable to find a thing.

With no end in sight, Mrs. Tucker announced that she was going to put in her earplugs, and walked towards the bathroom to get them. With every step she took, Orrin noticed that the music was a little bit softer. When she returned, it was back to its loudest volume.

Confused, he asked her to return to the bathroom, and indeed, the music was a little bit quieter with every step she took. Orrin ran to his wife, and put an ear right up against her, and indeed, she was the source of the music! Orrin had no idea what was happening, but wanted to get to the bottom of things, so he scanned her from head to toe, until he discovered that the music was coming from her rump.

Mrs. Tucker was horribly embarrassed, and utterly confounded, but Orrin's first concern was to stop the music, as he was concerned about waking the neighbors. After digging around in the rummage drawer, he found an old cork. He grabbed it, apologized profusely to his wife, and stopped her up with the cork. Instantly, the music stopped.

After they'd taken a minute or two to collect themselves, Orrin suggested she try removing the cork to see what would happen. Mrs. Tucker hesitated, but then reached down, grabbed the cork, and gave it a gentle tug...

"STRANGERS IN THE NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! EXCHANGING GLANCES!"

Mrs. Tucker immediately shoved the cork back in, and they both decided it was time to call the doctor.

Dr. Brown, angry at having been awoken so early in the morning, growled as he stomped through their front door. Orrin apologized, but assured him it was an emergency. The two of them walked to the bedroom where Mrs. Tucker was lying, sobbing softly.

"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

Orrin walked over, gently wrapped his fingers around the cork, and gave it a light tug...

"STRANGERS IN THE NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! EXCHANGING GLANCES!"

And then popped it back in. He looked up at the doctor, still barely believing it himself, and asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

The doctor gave him an angry look and scowled, "You mean to tell me that you called me over here at three in the morning to listen to some asshole sing Strangers in the Night?"

2. Mr. Johnson awoke one morning and realized that he needed to put a new coat of varnish on the toilet seat of the upstairs john. After he finished, he asked his son to sit outside the door and make sure nobody came in to use it until after the varnish had some time to dry.

After a few minutes, his son got bored, and ran off to play with his friends. Mr. Johnson was working in the yard outside, when all of a sudden he heard a terrible scream coming from the upstairs john. He ran up to find his wife sitting on the john, complaining that she was stuck to the seat and couldn't get up.

Mr. Johnson grabbed her hands, steadied himself with a foot on the edge, and started to pull, but she was stuck tight and he was unable to move her even a little bit. He called the town doctor, but his receptionist told him he was out for the day and they would need to visit the county hospital. Mr. Johnson wasn't sure how they could possibly get there, but then realized that if he removed the toilet seat, he could move his wife and the seat together. After unscrewing in from the john, he helped his wife to her feet, wrapped a sheet around her lower half to protect her modesty, and carried her out to the car.

When they got to the county hospital, he told her to wait while he fetched a gurney from inside. When he returned, he helped lay her down and cover her again with the sheet. He wheeled her through the hospital, face down with the toilet seat still attached, and a sheet protecting her from the stares of passers-by.

When the county doctor came in, Mr. Johnson rose quickly to his feet.

"What seems to be the trouble?" the doctor asked.

Rather than explain what had happened, Mr. Johnson simply removed the sheet. "Tell me, doctor. Have you ever seen anything like this before?"

The doctor paused, thought for a moment, and then responded, "Yep, as I matter of fact I have. But never with a frame around it!"

Probably too blue, but it's cute:

Fred is leaving one beautiful summer morning to go play golf. Mary, his wife, sees him loading his clubs in the trunk, and stops him.

"You promised you'd fix the kitchen light today, Fred!" she exclaimed.

Fred pointed to his cap, and motioned with his finger, "Does it say "electrician" up here?"

"But honey" she continued, "you also said you'd fix the leaky faucet in the bathroom."

Fred smirked, again motioned to his hat, and said "Does it say "plumber" up here?"

"Look, Fred," his wife said, exasperated, "you've been telling me for weeks you'd fix the loose back step before someone gets hurt!"

Fred just laughed as he got in his car; "Does it say "carpenter" up here?" and he drove away.

Hours later, Fred came home. He noticed as he entered the house that the back step no longer squeaked, and had been replaced. As he washed his hands in the bathroom, he discovered that the faucet no longer leaked. And the kitchen light was on when he entered that room as well. Spying his wife, Fred said "Well, it's about time you showed some initiative and got someone to fix these things. I hope it didn't cost me much money."

Mary looked up from her magazine and smiled, "Oh, it didn't cost a thing. Bob from next door told me he'd fix everything for me. He said he'd do it if I had sex with him or baked him a cake."

"Ha, ha" laughed Fred, "Bob's such a kidder. So what kind of cake did you make for him?"

Mary leaned back in her chair, smiled slowly, and motioned toward her forehead. "Does it say "Betty Crocker" up here?"

A backwoods country bumpkin came into a huge amount of money and decided to hire an architect to build a mansion.

The architect is excited to hear that money is no object. Old Earl says:

“ I don’t care too much what’s in the place, just make it real nice like. You know, with a separate bedroom for each of my 14 kids, and one for grandpa.”

“Oh, an’ one for Uncle Ted since he’ll be visitn right much.”

“An’ put in some other bedrooms for all the folks from back at the ol’ homeplace. That otta do it.”

“Err, right-o” says the architect. “Anything else – and what kind of style did you have in mind?”

Earl ponders…..
“Well, I recon’ the style don’t matter much. Just be sure it has all the most modern do-wackys installed. I want it to be 100% complete and perfect. If you’re the right man for the job, you’ll know what to do without bothern’ me any with all them details.”

Architect says “Right-o”

Oh, Earl says: “ Be sure to have a halo-statue in eavery darn room. That’ll be just the thang.”

Architect goes away and draws and plans then gets back up in the woods to show it all to Old Earl: “So, what do you think?”

Earl ponders a bit…..
“Seems right good, all nice and purty. Go ahead and get it done.”

A while later….
Architect is showing Earl around the mansion….. “Your kitchen is here, and the walk-in cooler over here, the back patio is over this way…..” and on and on through all the rooms. The architect is quite proud of the job.

“So, Earl, how do you like it?”

Earl ponders a bit….
“Seems nice, but you forgot the one thing I really wanted.”

Architect looks aghast. “What? What did we leave out????”

“I told you I wanted a halo-statue in eveary room and it ain’t done.”

Architect says, “Well, we looked all over and couldn’t come up with just he right thing… Tell me, now, just what is this halo-statue?”

Earl looks at the man and says: “You’re a smart man, how come you don’ know what a halo-statue is?”

Architect ponders a bit…."Err, no. What’s a halo-statue?”

Exasperated, Earl says “ You know, a halo-statue. It sits on a desk, or counter, or hangs on a wall and you pick it up an’ say ‘halo-statue?’”

I'm lazy so you can just listen to someone else tell my favorite shaggy dog stories.

Broccoli is my favorite.

^^^
Warning: NSFW language if you're not using headphones.

How about a Julia Rant. Pick a topic about something popular or a celebrity, and we could probably whip something out for you.