So sorry for your loss, pinky.p. I've found great comfort in writing. Poetry, mostly. Everybody mourns differently, but for me personally, it helps to let myself feel what I'm feeling, and then try to create something out of the pain. Also, I have a secret ritual of planting something for everyone I've lost. In some random spot where I'll never see it again. So it won't hurt if something happens to it. Instead, I just always have this idea in the back of my head that the tree or plant is still out there.

I try to give myself opportunities to feel and express my pain, but otherwise to try to keep busy so that I can keep moving.

My family has a tradition of celebrating the life more than mourning the loss. So we hold wakes instead of funerals. It's a tradition that really resonates with me. Sometimes, these gatherings seem more like a roast than a memorial. But it's full of love and laughter. We like to be reminded of how much better the world was with our loved ones in it. Toward that end, I also like to seek out beauty - in nature, in music, in art. Parks full of children playing. To remind me that the world is still beautiful. Everything is temporary, so the blessing is the time we have together. So often that time together is too short. But that just makes every memory all the more precious.

I hope you find whatever form of grace that brings you peace. Be well.

Hi pinky.p--I haven't lost anyone close to me, but I did come close to death, so I guess I could've lost my self maybe if I wasn't so lucky... I know, big deal that is--to lose yourself, compared to someone you love, but I was thinking about it last week, and my eyes almost welled up. You know, until now, after the accident, and my gaining my consciousness back, I've never really done that, analyzed how close I came to death, and actually cried about it. So if I can offer anything to you here, in this post, is to cry as much as you can, and to not try and hold it back in. You've been through a traumatic experience, and you need some time to grieve, by yourself--for yourself. Hang in there pinky--you can do it...

What helps?

It's different for everyone. The only constant is time. Things get better with time.

When my mother died, I kept most of my sadness to myself. I had a couple of friends I talked to about the good times, and what an amazing person she was. But for the most part, I kept it to myself.

This was my way though.

You're two weeks out of a major loss, and it's not suprising that you feel the way you feel. There's going to be nothing that fixes you up immediately. If I had to offer anything, I'd say - Get yourself out into the world, try to fit your self back into society and don't worry about being too sad, or not sad enough.

But, do what you feel like doing. Get some therapy, talk to friends, keep yourself out with company, lock yourself away. (Although, for me personally - I'm a bit wary of the idea of a bereavement group.) This is your loss, and you get to / have to deal with it personally.

You also should know - that things do get better. It may not seem like that now, but they do get better.

Believe that the way you grieve is the right way for you. A lot of people have opinions on how someone else "should" grieve. Ignore them. It is totally normal to feel anything from complete numbness to a hysterical loss of control over your emotions. As seanyboy says, time helps. I still cry in solitude over my daughter's death on a regular basis, six years later, but I also talk about her with little emotion at other times. You will get through this, I promise.

My sisters and I spent a lot of time telling funny stories about my Dad after he died. This isn't really hard since the old man could turn a trip to the deli into a major adventure but it helped us sort of feel like we were honoring him by remembering him collectively. The important thing isn't that that person is dead now, it's that he/she was alive and it really helped me to focus on all the things that my crazy dad did when he was with us. It never totally goes away though, I miss him every day still after seven years but that's a good thing. At least a little shadow of what was him lives on in the memories that the family has of him.

I think there are two major categories of things that are important:

1. Giving yourself permission to feel the things you are feeling, without putting any pressure on yourself to feel any differently.

People get really conflicting messages about grief, internally ("It's not ok to feel glad that the deceased's suffering has ended" or "I shouldn't be so mad all the time" or "I can't handle this level of emotion"), interpersonally ("He wouldn't want me to be sad" or "I promised I'd be strong" or "It would hurt her feelings if I wasn't grieving this much"), and societally ("All my friends are wigging out and avoiding me because I'm grieving"). People who are grieving often feel like they're "going crazy" because they or the people around them don't believe that this huge level of emotion is normal or appropriate -- in general, it is. The process of grief, feeling all those huge, conflicting emotions, is what heals the loss; ignoring, avoiding, or judging the feelings doesn't make the feelings go away, it just complicates the grief process.

(If during that process of working through your emotions you start feeling suicidal, then I would suggest that you do seek out a trained counselor to help you sort through your feelings.)

2. Self care.

This is really individual, but in general, people who are grieving should concentrate on doing things that actually make them feel better (as opposed to doing things they think *should* make them feel better). Physical self-care might include getting enough sleep, eating reasonably balanced meals at regular intervals, getting some physical activity, getting outside in nature. Psychological/spiritual self-care might include therapy, support groups, spiritual practices like prayer or yoga or meditation or talking with a priest, journaling, doing art or craft projects, talking with friends and family who "get it", spending less time with friends and family who don't get it, and being very, very aware of how society will generally push people to be "over it" much more quickly than is really normal (the latest studies I've read are generally showing major grief to be a one- to four-year process when grieving someone very close); no one has to work on other people's timelines.

I think it's also important to watch out for things that feel good in the moment but that don't lead to feeling good long-term (e.g., alcohol, drugs, any major risk-taking behavior). Staying away from overindulgence in things that create an "escape hatch" can be helpful.

People who are feeling overwhelmed and devastated often need to focus most on self-care. People who are feeling anxious and brittle often need to focus most on feeling their emotions. Both strands are important, though. The idea is that one must take care of oneself sufficiently in order to create the strength necessary to feel strong emotion; and one must feel big emotions because avoiding them in pursuit of "staying strong" just buries them in dark corners where they keep affecting one but they become disguised and much harder to deal with.

I really like the grief literature that Victoria Hospice puts out. It might be worth reading through some of that material, if you think it would help.

On a more personal level: *hugs* I'm so sorry for your loss, I know how devastating it can be, and you get through it by getting through it. You won't end up the same person you were before, and you don't have to be. I sometimes say that grief is like someone took a hammer and bashed the top of your head with it, and you shatter, and now you're standing there looking down at all the various pieces of yourself in disarray on the carpet, and some of them are missing and some of them are unfamiliar and some of them are beautiful and some of them are ugly; the grief process means you have to pick up each piece, examine it, and figure out whether you want to put it back in place. It's frustrating, exhausting, and terrifying, and there are no short cuts that really work. The only way out is through.

I couldn't add anything better than what seanyboy said. I wish you peace.

In my mother's family, we wear black onyx or hematite rings to symobize the mourning. I did that for her mom's death, but switched to green because I had the feeling grandma just wasn't that into black.

For my other grandmother a cousin bought me a hematite bracelet/necklace that I wore for her.

I wore them for as long as I felt I needed to. I still have them around, and when I see them I let whatever memories come to mind wander around my consciousness a bit.

However you feel is what's right for you. My best friend lost her husband unexpectedly two years ago. She worried for the longest time because she didn't wail and scream; she was numb, and caused herself unnecessary pain. Please allow yourself time for your grief. Two weeks really isn't a whole lot of time. Also, there is no time limit on grief, so don't feel as if you should be "better" in any certain time frame. Take care of yourself.

pinky.p, my sweet love, I'll drop you a line. My hellish time at work is almost past, and I need to visit you. I've been really disconnected from almost all friends over the past few months, and I apologize for that.

As to your loss, well, I'm not sure. Time? Keep yourself busy?

thank you everyone (and I'll see you soon, Stew :-)) I just miss my dad and I feel so strange that he is gone. I spoke to a bereavement counselor who said that is too soon for me to really join any groups, I have not yet processed that he is really gone.

I thought I had, but I'm pretty numb right now. I do still kind of think that he's going to call, and the knowledge that he won't ever again, is really what is hurting me the most.