Ummm... with no other details; Pizza and Cokes? I mean; when it is all over and better, pizza is good stuff warmed up even. As a guy; stuff like that is akin to jewelry for a woman. Mmmmm... pizza. Cokes. Yum.

(((desjardins)))

I don't want to be presumptuous, but have you two considered couple's counseling? Sometimes I get the feeling that you're walking on eggshells, and that can't be healthy.

yep, appointment already made.

Hurting someone you love always sucks desjardins...I'm sorry you're going through this. It's great you're taking steps too. That's half the battle I fear, it's hard to work on something with someone who doesn't see anything to work on. I wish you nothing but the best.

Sometimes I think the 2 main keys to a successful long term relationship are being too busy to have time to act on immediate impulses and having bad memories. In a long term relationship, you will probably each screw up badly enough to make the other want to call it quits on multiple occasions, and you will each have periods when you feel like throwing in the towel. It comes with the territory. If you can manage to always give yourselves time to get over the immediate drama before making big decisions, and try to forgive whatever shit you say to each other in the heat of anger, time has a way of reminding you why you love each other. Or that's been my experience, anyway. My best to both of you.

(((desjardins)))

Whuffles are being sent your way....

Thanks all. He's done fuming - he doesn't tend to hold a grudge - but we're really emotionally drained. Want sleep...

((desjardins)) i hope time heals the wounds.

((((((((desjardins and hubby))))))))))) I like what IRFH says; emotions run so high in a marriage, especially in the early months. Time really does help; as well as counseling. Counseling can help you both learn better communication skills; and also learn more about yourselves. I've been amazed what I've learned about myself through my counseling sessions. I'd also recommend the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, which can help you both learn what the other needs to feel loved. I'm glad you both want to work on the rough spots, and I wish you all the best.

ugh, I said something that reopened the wound and now he's out for a drive.

In my defense (?), this is my first serious relationship (I'm 34), and although most of the time I think I do pretty well, sometimes I just don't know what the heck I'm doing. It's his first marriage as well, but he's had several long-term relationships under his belt and is a bit more equipped to deal with the ups and downs.

Des, are you so sure that this is related to a misstep on your part? I mean, without knowing the situation any more closely than what you have posted here, I kind've get the impression that your husband might be a little overly sensitive?

I know quite well the pain you feel.

I know I mention it all the time in relationship threads, but I really do swear by How to Be an Adult in Relationships (I can't remember if I've specifically mentioned it to you before, desjardins; I think you'd especially like it because it comes from a Buddhist perspective, but I also think you'll get the most out of it if both you and your husband read it.) It radically changed my understanding of what a relationship is for, if that makes any sense, and therefore what my expectations were for myself and my partner.

In any case: good luck, sweetie. I know how draining emotional upset can be. Get some rest and be GENTLE to yourself.

As someone with a great ability for pissing off his other half, I can sympathize.

I try to ...
Do my best.
Never hold a grudge.
Try to see things from her side.
Be patient.
Understand that these things happen.

It mostly works.

Well, I'm glad it's not just me, seanyboy ...

I try to do pretty much the same things and, mostly they work. If things get really bad, a back rub can work wonders to break ice (or arms, but that's a risk worth taking, sometimes).

Sometimes, when people live together, they will rub each other up the wrong way no matter how hard they both try to avoid it, though. It's just part of being human. What's most important is not that you fight, but how you make up - treat every fight as a way to learn more about each other and avoid trying to score points or using things the other party has said in previous fights to do so. We all say things in the heat of the moment that we don't mean and it only hurts both sides to rub these things in each other's faces.

As you can see, I'm rambling here and really don't know what I'm talking about, but there's my meagre thoughts for what they're worth.

treat every fight as a way to learn more about each other and avoid trying to score points or using things the other party has said in previous fights to do so

Very wise. Repeated for truth.

desjardins, I'm so sorry, and I hope things have cooled down. I'll echo everything everyone else has said, and add: in my previous relationships, fights were about winning. Now I know fights are about coming together to find a solution, and it changes the whole dynamic.

But my body doesn't know that. Sometimes, it still gets riled when we fight.

Though we can't know this from afar, maybe that's true for your husband, too; maybe he needs time for the physical reactions to ease off.

I don't really have any advice. Just know that I'm thinking of you and I hope everything works out. Big hugs.

I'm sorry, desjardins. I hope you're able to work this through and come out the other side stronger, both
as a couple and individually.

Agh. Fights suck. I hope you guys are working through this OK.