I thought Hax gave good advice. Post-partum depression is real and I sympathize if this mother is suffering from it, but who knows what the real deal is.

They may be feeding off of each other's unhappiness and dwelling on the negative. Maybe they're both depressed. Maybe they have poor coping skills. Good luck to them whatever it is. Since they wrote into the Washington Post I'm thinking they may have the intelligence and fortitude to get help.

I love Carolyn Hax.

I asked Mother Beese once to tell me truthfully if she, given the chance to do it all over again, would still have children. She said: No. And she's quite fond of me, I assure you.

I don't doubt that parents know joys I can only imagine. Or that they partake more fully of Life than I do. But I remain convinced that few of them enter into it with a full understanding of the price they pay.

I've always wondered about people who just don't choose to have children. In my family, we really don't get married or have children. Ever. I'm not quite sure why, but it's a common joke about not getting married.
Then again, everyone keeps telling me OH YOU MUST HAVE BABIES. And then I go play or attempt to play with my friend's child, who has to be one of the easiest-going children EVER and I'm like ew. Plz go away.

It really brings up the question, are some people just not meant to be parents? Is there some sort of evolutionary drive that makes some people just not want to contribute to the species?

I myself would attribute this to social and cultural factors more than I would to any sort of genetic disposition.

As societies become more educated, more affluent, more individualist, the birthrate drops.

I won't rule out the possibility of an inheiritable anti-parenting gene (if that makes any sense!) but I think that it would only possible to express that gene in societies that don't stigmatize people who remain unmarried at 30. In more traditional societies, the pressure to get married, be fruitful and multiply is so strong that people go through the process without any consideration of what their own needs might be.

"I wonder how many other couples are like this one, but feel like they can't tell anyone due to societal pressures."

In my experience, parents when talking with other parents have no problem expressing their regret for having had kids.

Also, that letter reminds me of an anonymous AskMe with too little information, and Hax's response is the typical "You need to see a doctor NOW!"

Then again, everyone keeps telling me OH YOU MUST HAVE BABIES.

Once, when someone cheerily told me I simply must have babies, I froze for a moment, then burst out sobbing. It was awkward, but it did shut her the hell up.

I agree with j_p.

Also, they're in the hardest shittiest time of parenting, figuratively and literally. They won't always be as stressed, sleep-deprived, depressed, and in shock as they are now.

In my family, we really don't get married or have children. Ever.

Well, somebody did.

I was visiting with a potential client one time. She had, I don't know, six kids or something. The next to youngest was with her and we were talking about our families.

"How many do you have?" she asked.
"Two girls," I answered.
"Oh, I should have stopped at two," was her response.
"Mom!" protested Number Five.

Here's another way to look at reproduction. Every single one of our progenitors lived through disease, famine, pestilence, war, the worst things the world could throw at them and they survived, at least long enough to reproduce. Most of the time this was far from given, unlike today.

We take survival for granted these days but even our grandparents never did. My maternal grandmother lost six children to disease and one to war.

It wouldn't take much imagination to see the failure to reproduce as wasting all of those good survival genes. Or, as being ungrateful for the the hard work of simply living done by past generations.

That was my mother. We don't really talk to her side of the family. Both my brother and I were accidents. My father's sisters are all unmarried (except one, who had one child that is somewhere in the world and doesn't really talk to the rest of us).

Hax has given very good advice. I hope the couple takes it.

Similar to Mrs Beese, my mum didn't plan on having as many kids as she did, start as young and have them as close together. She does go on to say that she doesn't know which kid(s) she'd give back as she loves us all.

I wanted kids up until my early twenties when bro #4 (the youngest kid) and his useless ex-wife (deleted long rant) lived with Mum and me for a couple years. Although I love my nieces and nephew, and kids in general, they showed me that kids weren't for me. Oddly enough, as I said in another thread, I had no problem having them behave. It always amazed them that childless me could do that.

The mister already had a son and two grand-kids when I met him. We had the "discussion" when we were still dating through the internet. He didn't want any more kids and I didn't want any, but was willing to compromise if I thought the relationship worth it.

Also, they're in the hardest shittiest time of parenting, figuratively and literally. They won't always be as stressed, sleep-deprived, depressed, and in shock as they are now.

It's possible, but usually, the toughest time ends at about month six, if not earlier. Right around 8-9 months is when the awesome should be beginning, when the baby's starting to crawl and learn and really interact (laughing, reaching for mommy and daddy for love, that kind of thing). Maybe their little one is behind on its development, but this is the time when it's supposed to be getting easier. They should be enjoying more sleep and less stress than they did in the first four months, even if the baby's not sleeping completely through the night yet.

If she really hasn't bonded at all with this child, I think Hax is right that something is up. It may not be post-partum depression, but something is wrong and she's right that they need to talk to a qualified therapist immediately. If there isn't anything clinically wrong, then they and the baby would be better off if they gave it up for adoption. It's possible they became parents for the wrong reasons or really are just struggling with it and are suffering so much as a result that they never bonded at all. But my gut tells me Hax is on the money.

The above also assumes that the father is sharing an equal share of the load, as well.

Hax's response is the typical "You need to see a doctor NOW!"

Atypical for Hax, actually ... notice how she follows the advice with some great suggestions on why it may be happening. She's an amazing columnist. When I first discovered her, half my problems were solved immediately.

Then again, everyone keeps telling me OH YOU MUST HAVE BABIES.

I've had the complete opposite problem. No one, including my mother, has ever pressured me to get married and have children, and all my married friends say that either men are pigs or just that marriage and kids isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Sometimes, I wish the pressure had been applied a little harder.

I wonder if there are a lot of couples who realize that they're just not cut out to be parents, and then give the kid up, when they hadn't planned on doing so beforehand.

I meant typical of AskMe. As for Hax, I'd love to see her contact list on her cell phone.

Post-partum depression is a lot more common than one might think, two out of four girlfriends of mine became extremely depressed after the birth of their first child (we've all had kids around the same time). Both of these mothers had cesarians. I can't help but think that something hormonal did not "kick off" correctly due to the c-section, that neither of them wanted to begin with. Me and the other mom who didn't have c-sections were fine (even though I was broke, stressed out and actually working when baby was baby, also, I was alone most of the time, because dad was renovating our future home in another country), it's weird to me to see someone who should be happy (perfect healthy child, nice nested home, 10 months paid off work without monetary woes) be so utterly depressed. It's not logical, but I can see that it's real, and they're hurting, which is why I think it simply must be something in the hormones that didn't start right. I had all good reasons to freak out but I got high as a kite off the smell of my baby girl and somehow managed to live through the stress and sleepless nights. Not easy mind you, but I don't recall being depressed. (very angry at monetary woes on the other hand, yes)

Post-partum depression is a lot more common than one might think

The number I've seen is usually that 10% of women experience post-partum depression (with 75% or so experiencing "baby blues" (which is a stupid name for an actual problem)), but I have to believe it's higher than that. Especially since close to 1 in 5 women experience antenatal depression, triggered or worsened by the pregnancy itself.

Man, I could have written part of that letter. I couldn't bond with my son for the first two years, and he didn't fit any descriptions of what was supposed to be happening at 5 months, 8 months, 13 months, whatever. One thing they should do is get the baby evaluated for milestones. My son met some, exceeded others, and lagged way behind on still others. Turns out he's an Aspie. So they could be having a more than average difficult time just because the baby has some condition they don't even know about.

One thing that stands out is that they weren't talking to anybody but each other. I don't know if it's because the grandparents were dead or the couple was pretending they were, but man you can lock yourself up tight and go nuts just from that kind of isolation. I remember having a round robin list of people I'd call when I'd get overwhelmed when the kids were wee.

It really does take a village, if only to keep the parents sane.