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05 March 2009

Less than two months ago, →[More:] I was soooo happy in January that my son got a job and started taking classes. Finally! After drifting with no direction, he was moving again.

It didn't last.

A week ago, I saw him out driving around at a time when he should have been in class. When he got home we asked him about it and he admitted he had stopped going to class (again). Upon further discussion, he also said he had stopped going to work (again).

He said he would drive out to class or to work, and once he got there, he would have a panic attack in the car. Instead of telling us, he started going to Barnes & Noble and read when he was supposed to be doing what he was supposed to be doing.

So.... we made an appointment with our general practitioner who referred him to a psychotherapist. Her determination? Identity crisis. He had been a straight-A student in high school, had good direction going into college, and once he got there, he bonked. It just didn't work. Up until then, he knew exactly what he was going to do with his life.

After bonking, he doesn't know who he is or where he's going. He's made a few attempts to go somewhere, anywhere, and bonks again and again. So when the psychotherapist said he has an identity crisis, it all seems to make sense. It's hard to get there if you don't know where you're going.

The one thing he isn't, strangely, is depressed. He has anxiety problems, sure, but he's got hope for his future (even if he doesn't know what it holds), and if you didn't know about his problems, he comes across as a pretty well-adjusted guy.

So.... maybe he had to bonk one more time for us to find the help he needed. I hope, I hope, that this is, in fact, the help he needs.

Keep your fingers crossed.

post by: Doohickie at: 20:11 | 13 comments

Not only is it hard to get where you're "supposed" to go when you have no idea where that is, but it's doubly hard when it feels like there's pressure on you -- that not only do you expect it of yourself (and not only are you failing yourself), but others expect it of you too. It's like you're disappointing EVERYONE, and that can be very hard and very anxiety-inducing.

It sounds like it might be good for him to be able to have some breathing room -- a period of time in which he gets a pass, and is not required to have "a direction."

I wish to hell *I* had one, but I don't. I think I gave myself that pass a while back, and I'm better off for it. (In some ways. In others, not so much.)

Best of luck to him. Be gentle and as understanding as you can possibly be.

posted by mudpuppie 05 March | 20:37

You're good parents, doohickie. He's lucky to have you. Even though he's going through a minor rough patch now, he sounds like a really good kid. It is so good of you to be supportive and find him help.

If it's any consolation, the first year of college I skipped many classes for a couple of semesters and went to the beach with my friends instead. I was immature and young and it didn't take long for me to realize that failing college courses is no joke.

posted by LoriFLA 05 March | 20:38

Growing up is tough. I wasn't much more mature at that age than he is. My son is a semi-slacker too although he does make it to class but his grades aren't much to get excited about. Chances are they'll both find their way eventually hopeful without too many hard lessons.

posted by octothorpe 05 March | 20:45

I will keep my fingers crossed for you all, extra hard, as someone who's been where your son has, among other things, and who feels for you sincerely after putting her parents in the position you're in.

Does he live at home with you guys?

posted by notquitemaryann 05 March | 20:53

Well, yeah, of course he lives at home. What else are ya gonna do when you don't hold down a job!?

It sounds like it might be good for him to be able to have some breathing room -- a period of time in which he gets a pass, and is not required to have "a direction."

Yeah, well, that pretty much describes the last year and a half. Still, having someone who understands what he is going through (the psychotherapist) is a big relief for me. I don't expect instant results, but I like to think that he's moving toward... something.

I was also glad to hear a negative diagnosis on the depression. He has two more appointments set up for this month; hopefully we'll know more by then.

posted by Doohickie 05 March | 20:57

I went from a straight-A high schooler to a skip-midterm college student. I had never learned how to study for a subject because everything in high school came so naturally. Then when I didnt get the information fist shot in college, I paniced. I was lost, frustrated, and decided not going was easier. So I not- went for two semesters while still paying for classes until I finally stopped enrolling.

I got some good jobs, and now I'm going back one class at a time. Just because he doesn't feel he can do it now doesn't mean he never will.

Perhaps urging him to get his own place will help him... He is more likely to hold a job when the consequence is sleeping in his car.

posted by rhapsodie 05 March | 21:19

Just because he doesn't feel he can do it now doesn't mean he never will.

This. Your son sounds a little like my brother (except for the whole "doing well in high school" part - my brother was never a good student). He had a few years where my mother threatened to pack him up and ship him off to the marines, but he's doing pretty good now, studying in China while teaching English to businessmen. He's going to graduate from college next year (6 or so years behind schedule, if you count the year he spent in Spain).

posted by muddgirl 05 March | 21:24

Doohickie, one of mine has kinda been in that kind of holding pattern. In our case the decision was to have her pay rent. She's an adult.

(It's not that much, but it's a gentle reinforcement of the idea that she has left childhood behind, if you know what I mean.)

posted by bunnyfire 05 March | 21:29

I can only give the answer I know personally, but: you struggle, you make a few thousand more mistakes that turn out to be for the best even though they may hurt for a long while afterwards, and you learn how to hold a job (anything you can get, as long as you can keep it) and to manage what's going on inside your head in your own way. You learn this mostly by yourself, supported by whatever help you may or may not get from caring family or understanding psychologists. Tough love didn't have much to do with it; the real breathing room that came from being able to slough off the labels and the guilt and expectations (mostly imagined, but real enough to me to send me ) that were weighing me down did.

Good luck to you, whatever comes next.

posted by notquitemaryann 05 March | 22:59

"enough to send me into panic", meant to say.

posted by notquitemaryann 05 March | 23:01

It sounds like it might be good for him to be able to have some breathing room -- a period of time in which he gets a pass, and is not required to have "a direction."

I couldn't agree more. I know you felt like he didn't have those pressures the last year and a half, but to really not have them, he'd have to perceive no anxiety in you and not feel like a burden. I know that it's really hard to project something you don't feel, so he might have been picking up on your frustration instead of really, truly feeling it was OK to take some time to figure himself out.

I'm glad he has the help - he probably really needed it. And I agree that it seems reasonable that he could pay rent. Having to make rent is a decent enough goal to get you into work. It's not a goal about your longterm life, it's concrete and more immediate. You could probably set a date a few months out at which rent is to start, and then let him prepare. All of that should probably be checked out with the dr., though.

Good luck. He's going to be OK.

posted by Miko 06 March | 00:20

Doohickie, I wish I had a dad as understanding as you. It sounds like your son is just going through some stage of growing up, which we all have to, don't worry, he'll take his time and will eventually reach their.

I had my whole life planned out by the time I was born (Doctor, that's it), and by the time I finished school, I realized I didn't want to be one.

More pressure from my Dad, more wonkery from me. By the time I reached a couple of years back I was referred to a good Doctor, a Clinical Psychiatrist, after being referred to the wrong people, and she made the deduction that I was Clinically depressed and had mood swings, and prescribed some medication. I was on it for a year and it really helped, and then I had the accident.

I'm still sober, so I think I'm still good, but I have to go for a job interview in a couple of weeks, so only can tell you after that. And hey, I handled the accident well, so that was a big score.

posted by hadjiboy 06 March | 08:15

I just want to say that once upon a time, I *was* your son. (Well, okay, I was your son + depression, but close enough.)

For whatever it's worth, it took me a long time, but I snapped out of it. I dropped out (or was kicked out) of college probably half a dozen times, and then finally I realized that school was making me miserable and causing panic attacks.

Like others have said, for all that it seems like he's not had much pressure for the last year and a half, but knowing that you're failing at something that you should be doing--much less something that you also "should" be good at--is incredibly stressful. It's even worse if you're trying to hide it. Presumably he was hiding it because he didn't want to disappoint you, and because he's aware that you want him to do well and want the best for him. He might do well with a few months of low pressure.

You might want to try to encourage him to look for a job at Barnes and Noble or somewhere that he already enjoys going--it might make it easier for him to actually show up.

Anyhow, I used to be your son, and ten years later, I'm happily married, have a six-year-old daughter, own a house, and have a great career. I never ended up going back to college--I've thought about it, and even now the idea is enough to give me panic attacks. But I'm a happy and reasonably successful adult, and I suspect that given time, your son will end up there, too.

posted by MeghanC 06 March | 14:45

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