Forget Venus and Mars and meet Ms Mover and Shaker and Mr. Bob and Floater One of my closest friends is having a horrible time with her marriage and I’d like to be able to offer her some helpful advice. But I’m out of advice, so I’m turning to you people in the hopes that maybe some of you will have a fresh perspective. Be warned… there’s a truckload of back story to this.→[More:]

“Eve” (my friend) is 36 and has been involved with 42-year-old “Adam” (her husband) since she was 20. They have been married for over six years. They have a 3.5 year old son and Eve is expecting their second child in May.

I’ve known Eve since high school and she is and always has been an extremely hard worker. She is very intelligent and driven and she has exceptional analytical and organizational abilities. Her career path reflects all of this, and she is in a very senior and challenging position in a field she enjoys. Adam is also quite intelligent, and like Eve, has an excellent sense of humour. But in other ways they are very different. He is very laid back, and he makes his decisions on an emotional basis. He has a hard time getting organized and gets overwhelmed very easily. His career reflects this. It took him five years of full time university studies to get a three year degree. He has spent the last 14 years in a job he does not like, that is below his abilities, and at a company where he has no chance of advancement. He does do his job well, but he has made no real effort to find another job. At one point he did receive another job offer from another company. The pay was the same and the job responsibilities were similar but he would have a chance of advancement. He turned down the job because he “didn’t want to give up his years of seniority”.

They met at university in a way that set the tone for their entire relationship. Adam had gone back to school as a mature student and was having a hard time writing his essays – the problem being that he had done a lot of reading and had lots of insights and thoughts but couldn’t organize them. He complained of this to a TA, and the TA introduced him to his friend Eve, saying she wrote good essays and perhaps she could give him some tips. Eve has been helping Adam get organized ever since.

This schism between their characters has been the cause of a lot of problems and resentment on both sides. To give you one example of a conflict between them, shortly after they got married there was a big crisis situation in Eve’s field. She had to work insane hours because of it. She therefore thought Adam should be doing more at home to ease the strain on her, since he was working far fewer hours. His response was that she had chosen that job so he didn’t see why he should have to do more housework because the job was proving too hectic at times. Meanwhile, Eve, who earns more than twice what Adam does, was supporting them financially so that Adam could use almost all of his earnings to pay down the debts he’d run up before they got married. Eve argued that Adam should support her in her career because, after all, it was keeping the roof over her head. Adam then countered that he was doing his share. It's very common for them to agree to do something and to divide up the labour... only for Adam to not do his share of it so Eve winds up having to help him.

Now, to move towards their specific current problem. When they got married over six years ago, they agreed they wanted to raise the children they planned to have in a small-town atmosphere. Eve has known for many years that Adam will never really pull his weight in terms of running a household and keeping his spending in line with their income, so she wanted to move to the small town where she grew up (let’s call it “Eden”, if that’s not too loaded a term;-)) and where her family still lives. Her family is a close-knit one and they have a very communal attitude towards helping each other, so the family support would really help her manage their household. Also the cost of living would be lower in Eden as there is very cheap childcare available and so she and Adam could live much better there than they could in the small city where they currently live. Adam agreed that they would move to Eden. They had their eye on a particular house in Eden, which was then owned by a woman in her mid-seventies. It would only be a matter of time before this elderly woman would be putting her house up for sale.

There was a lot of conflict between them at the time of their wedding. Adam said he was too in debt to contribute towards the wedding expenses. When his mother and stepfather gave him money to be used for the wedding, he put most of it towards his debts. Eve didn’t really blame him for this (as she says herself, she’s not great with money either), but she did suggest that they make some small budgetary cutbacks to save money for the wedding. She suggested, for instance, that they agree not to buy any CDs or books for the six months leading up until the wedding, which would at least save money for a number of the smaller bills. Adam refused to agree to this, and bought himself several dozen books and CDs during that time period while Eve and her parents paid for almost all of the wedding. Then there was the matter of the living arrangements. At the time of the wedding, Eve owned a house in a small Ontario city. Her parents lived in a self-contained apartment in the basement, for which they paid rent. Adam said he did not want to move into the house as he wasn’t comfortable with the idea of living with his in-laws. This is understandable, of course, but his solution for the problem was that Eve should sell the house and they should rent an apartment that would be nearer both their workplaces. Eve refused to do this because she felt home ownership would be the better financial choice for them in the long run. Moreover, her parents had loaned her the down payment for the house four years before and her father had done (and continued to do, even after Adam and Eve got married) a great deal of work on the house, so she felt it wasn’t fair to evict them only four years later when she’d agreed at the time that she would remain in the house for five years. Adam basically had to move into the house with Eve if he wanted to marry her, so he did so.

He also did very little in terms of the work of organizing the wedding. Eve basically gave up on getting him to do much and just asked him to be responsible for moving himself into her place. He couldn't do even that without her help and ended up having to pay an extra month's rent on his former apartment because he wasn't out on time.

Fast forward several years. When their first child was eight months old, the house they had wanted to buy in Eden came up for sale. The owner knew and liked Eve and especially wanted her to have it. They viewed the house, had it inspected, negotiated a price, and had the terms of purchase agreement all drawn up and ready to sign... and then Adam refused to sign the papers. He said he didn’t want to move to Eden. Eve tried to get a reason from him. Adam said they couldn’t get cable TV in Eden. Eve promised him they would get a satellite dish. Adam said they couldn’t afford it. Eve worked out a budget that showed they could afford it. Adam said it wasn’t the money. He claimed it would affect his ability to start a career because Eden is too far away from any municipal centre where he could get a good job (he could drive to his current job from Eden). He kept saying, “I don’t have ten years.” Eve argued that it would affect her career too, but it was a sacrifice she was willing to make, and she pointed out that Adam had made no effort to develop his career so it made no sense to put their lives on hold until he did. But Adam said he had to put his foot down, and he would not agree to buy the house.

Eve had to give in, and their marriage was on the rocks for quite awhile. She was furious that Adam had reneged on their agreement when she had been counting on the move to Eden for years. She went to counselling by herself, which seemed to help a little. She and her counsellor arrived at the conclusion that Adam had upset the power balance in their marriage, because Adam’s failure to do his share of the work they have to do together had previously meant that Eve could take the lead in making decisions, and they talked about some childhood stuff. Adam refused to go to counselling by himself. They did try to go to couples counselling, but the counsellor was useless. He told them not to come back because he couldn’t help them.

Eve eventually let her anger about the house in Eden go and started to look forward and try to figure out what she and Adam would do. They still live in the house she owned when they got married, but they wanted move because their house is too small for them and because they don’t at all like the school their son will be attending if they remain there. They both wanted a second child, and at Eve’s age they didn’t want to put it off too long. Fast forward two more years to last winter and spring. Eve insisted that they had to have an agreement in place about where to live before she would become pregnant again. They agreed that they would move to Eden and started looking at houses in Eden. It took awhile to find one they liked, and Eve became pregnant in the interim. Then in November they found a lovely house they liked. Adam seemed more enthusiastic about it than Eve. They toured it, had it inspected, worked out an agreement to buy it with Adam’s active participation, and then it came time to sign and …. Adam wouldn’t sign because he didn’t want to move to Eden.

Eve said he had promised to move to Eden. He said “he only promised because he didn’t want to upset her”, but now “he can’t live a lie”. She basically gave him an ultimatum (i.e., buy the house with her or she buys it alone and leaves him) and he signed and Eve put their current house up for sale. Adam claimed he was “heartbroken” because Eve was “choosing Eden and her family over him”. Then things got really hairy. He called her at work and yelled at her. He said that he’d been forced to sign the conditional agreement to buy the Eden house but she could consider that null and void because he wasn’t going through with it, and he threatened to leave Eve. He claims this is all her fault because she is “forcing her will upon him” and that when he had to move into her house at the time of their marriage it “emasculated him” and left him with “no real role” because her parents were there. He sees the first Eden house purchase fiasco as all her fault too because she tried to push him into doing something he didn’t want to do.

Since then…. They’ve been at an impasse. They’ve gotten a counsellor and been going to sessions, but there’s been no real progress in terms of coming to an agreement. They got one offer on their house last week, but it proved not to be a viable one. Then last night they got a good offer. At that point things really hit the fan. Neither of them slept last night. Eve says she cries if anyone looks at her. Adam has shut down in terms of communication, isn’t eating and left for work at 4 a.m. because he wanted to be alone.

Legally, although Eve is sole owner of the house, it is the marital home and she cannot sell it without Adam’s consent. She can buy another house on her own, but she needs the equity in her current house to do that and of course, again, she needs Adam’s consent in order to access that equity. Adam will not give in and agree to the move to Eden. Eve feels she has nothing to gain by giving in and staying in their current home for awhile longer when, as they are both agreed, they need to move.

I’ve tried to frame this situation as fairly as possible, but I suppose it’s pretty obvious whose side I’m on. I do feel Adam is in the wrong here and that he is being incredibly unfair to Eve by reneging on their agreement at the eleventh hour TWICE. I can certainly understand his not wanting to move to Eden, but if that’s the case he should have said so from the outset so they could have figured out something else. I have asked Eve what Adam DOES want to do. Basically, since Adam is frightened by the idea of a larger mortgage and hates the idea of all the work and hassle a move will entail, he wants to just stay where they are and suggests they put their children in a private school. Eve’s parents will be moving out of the basement soon and moving to Eden as Eve’s sister and her husband are building an inlaw suite for them. This will free up some space. So, it’s more or less viable, but private school for two kids will probably be more than they can afford and Eve hates the city in which they live – always has. She only bought that house with the idea that she would live there for five years until she had the money to buy a house in Eden, and ten years later, she’s still there.

Please do refrain from comments such as “she never should have married him”. It’s a bit late for that. They are married, and they have a child, and another one on the way. They don't seem to have any problems in terms of agreeing on parenting issues at least, and in non-practical matters they do have an excellent intellectual rapport — they are, under ordinary circumstances, a really fun couple to be around, and seem to enjoy each other's company a lot. A chorus of “DTMFA” also won’t be helpful because they both know divorce is a much more than distinct possibility at this point.

So although insights and suggestions are welcome I don’t know what you can offer besides sympathy and a prediction that this marriage is doomed either to much strife or outright failure. Which, let me tell you, is no news to anyone concerned.

I’m not sure what my question is. Maybe it’s, “how does a very logical person deal with someone who makes all their decisions on an emotional basis”, or “How does a mover and a shaker work with a bob and floater”? I’ve never had any success myself in dealing with people who make all their decisions on an emotional basis. I get very frustrated when someone insists on making the emotional choice even though it makes no practical sense, and especially when they won’t even take responsibility for the consequences of doing so. If any of you have had success in this type of interaction, I’d love to hear about it.