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20 December 2008

Rantity rant rant rant. →[More:]

Out with my friends dancing last night when we meet a couple we casually know who both happen to be men. They're totally wonderful and nice and are dancing away with all their friends, who are also with them.

One of my friends asks "see anything attractive?" I say "uh...no," not really getting what she's implying, and also because I'm focusing on my dancing, which is hard with a drink in your hand and in the cobbled-floor basement-type establishment where we are. She nods toward the dancing couple and says, "Really now?"

And then it dawns on me that apparently the fact that there are two gay men around means that I, another gay man, must be attracted to them, and that my few months of living here, where the gay scene is rather underground (though not necessarily directly threatened by anyone), must mean that I am desperate for any physical contact.

I imagine she may have also thought that my dancing near them was some sort of flirtation, but seeing as she was standing by the bar talking about how some guy she likes hasn't texted here today, I decided to go burn a few thousand calories with the couple and their crew. (It was awesome, by the way - and I sweated off two pounds and some!)

The couple has been together for two and a half years, with one member of the couple living in a different country. An awesome accomplishment for anyone. To assume that I would try to wedge myself in there, with no respect for this relationship, possibly betrays her holding of a bit of the gays-are-promiscuous stereotype. Ugh.

*simmers with annoyance*

*makes cup of tea*

post by: mdonley at: 07:53 | 13 comments

I don't blame you a whit for feeling irritated/angry.

I also think that guys in general are more likely to be perceived as being horndogs for any breathing item that adheres to preconceptions. Like a straight guy is assumed to be panting over any thin blonde with big boobs... even if he likes a completely different type. Women have a lot of unfair stuff thrown at them, but for the most part we're at least seen as somewhat mysterious in terms of attractors... though of course for lesbians, as for gay men, ignorant people will always try to determine who is "the man" and who is "the woman" and make assumptions.

And there's the pretty much canonical example of the ignorant but "open minded" friend who upon realizing that he/she knows two people(!) that they are aware of who are gay, insists on trying to play matchmaker to them... because why wouldn't they be perfect for each other? They are the only two gay people in this person's universe, and thus meant for each other! :)

Anyway (and you know this), she probably means well. She's probably educable. If you get to know her better at some point in the future, and you feel comfortable enough to do it, you should explain this incident and the facts at some point. She'll be better for it.

posted by taz 20 December | 08:49

When I was a single girl living in NYC, I spent a lot of time with a close friend named Kim. We'd go out for drinks and discuss whatever dates we'd had lately. Her biggest complaint was that well-meaning people always wanted to fix her up - with the only black guy they happened to know, as she is African American also. She said exactly what taz said just above: why wouldn't we just love each other, we have so much in common! She found it very condescending and small-minded but still managed to laugh about it which made me like her even more.

It sure sounds like you had a fun night out in spite of that.

posted by Kangaroo 20 December | 09:10

I feel your pain, man. I have so been there. Taz makes a good point about edumacation when the time is right.

posted by MonkeyButter 20 December | 09:46

Annoying (but it sounds like a good night out). As for that matchmaking done by some with the only two gay people/black people/insert type here they know - I got that a lot and it wasn't even matchmaking. Being an exile swede makes everyone you know instantly call the other Swedish person they know to hook you two up as friends or whatever. The "Omg, you're from Sweden? Do you know Ingrid?" ...wtf? The funniest was when I had grown tired of the Swede thing (Swedish Bikini team! Swedish meatballs! Swedish sex movies!) and consistently told people that I was Norweigan for a while (nobody in New York knows anything about Norway it seems so people just shut up right there) and suddenly I was introduced to a Norweigan friend of someone because obviously, we'd have so much to talk about. Except we didn't speak the same language at all.

posted by dabitch 20 December | 09:48

haha! I've gone through exactly the same thing as an American in Greece. The funny thing is that one of the people I met here that way (you must meet my American friend Jodi!!!!!) actually ended up as a soul-mate bosom friend. We were both amazed, because somehow it usually turns out to be exactly the opposite.

posted by taz 20 December | 10:02

You mean, dabitch, you DON'T own every Yngwie Malmsteen CD??? Ohs noes!!!

posted by Ardiril 20 December | 11:38

To assume that I would try to wedge myself in there, with no respect for this relationship, possibly betrays her holding of a bit of the gays-are-promiscuous stereotype. Ugh.

I think the gays-are-promiscuous stereotype is a direct result of the gays-have-sex-out-of-wedlock thing. If gays were allowed to marry, I think the promiscuous stereotype would fade into the background.

Of course, heteros are promiscuous too... at least some are. If people slung it around as a stereotype, I'd be kind of miffed though.

posted by Doohickie 20 December | 12:31

If gays were allowed to marry, I think the promiscuous stereotype would fade into the background.

To be replaced by some new domestic stereotype, perhaps... OMG GAYS ARE ALWAYS THE FIRST ONES TO MOW THEIR LAWNS EVERY YEAR! They make the REST OF US look bad.

posted by scody 20 December | 13:59

mdonley, that sounds like typical at-a-loss halfwitted small talk to me. It's mindless and foolish, and quite probably heterosexist, but not necessarily. For a number of years, I was the notably-single person in my social group, and I got a lot of ribbing like this whenever I hit it off with a new male acquaintance.

Many people seem to assume that sexual compatibility trumps any other kind of compatibility, and that when two people of compatible sexual orientations meet, they should try to interlock their erogenous bits. That's a weird assumption, I grant you.

I do think the stereotype of homosexuals as promiscuous* is a tragicomic illustration of people's blindness to the effects of their own prejudices: how can a reasonable person fail to connect "cannot get married" to "has sex outside of marriage"?

*And, seriously --- people still think this? That's not a holdover from the swinging disco era, when (as far as I can tell) everyone in shiny clothing was promiscuous?

posted by Elsa 20 December | 14:18

They are the only two gay people in this person's universe, and thus meant for each other!

Heh, like in Grand Canyon, where Kevin Kline knows precisely two black people (Danny Glover and Alfre Woodard) and tries to get them together.

mondley, are you sure she realized they were a couple? Maybe she thought that they were two guys on the make like she'd be out with another girlfriend on the make?

Roseanne vignette (Nancy comes out):
Jackie (Laurie Metcalf): How can you be gay? All those singles dances we went to together?
Nancy (Sandra Bernhard) deadpan: Singles dances? I thought we were dating!

posted by stilicho 20 December | 22:59

To be replaced by some new domestic stereotype, perhaps... OMG GAYS ARE ALWAYS THE FIRST ONES TO MOW THEIR LAWNS EVERY YEAR!

OMG! GAY PEOPLES' CATS ARE SOOOO WACKY!

posted by jason's_planet 21 December | 00:39

OMG! BOPO's cats are SO CUTE!!!

posted by jonathanstrange 21 December | 00:58

I bet mdonley is feeling a little somethin' somethin' for bopo's cat, eh? eh?

posted by taz 21 December | 03:02

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