MetaChat - Moral quandary

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28 November 2008

Moral quandary →[More:]Two of my tenants, both gay, have had nothing but bad luck since Hurricane Ike. One was hospitalized for the second time this year, the other lost her job due to, well, her place of employment being pretty much destroyed by Ike.

I'm sympathetic to each of their plights, but they've both recently asked me to help them--by providing certain documents--get charity aid from a local church. This church is, indeed, very VERY charitable. They do good works, and I admire them for that.

However this particular church is also virulently anti-gay, and this is where I have a problem. I doubt seriously that my gay tenants are going to out themselves to the church, and they may even feel some measure of satisfaction by pulling the wool over the church's eyes by obtaining charitable aid from them. I have no idea whether or not the church would aid them if they knew they were gay.

However, I feel my tenants, through deception, lose the moral high ground by taking advantage of the church's goodwill. I try to reverse the situation in my mind--what if I were very wealthy and had set up a foundation specifically to help homosexuals in need and then discovered I was deceived by some straight people pretending to be gay to get a check? It wouldn't sit well with me, it would make me angry, but I'd probably be willing to help.

So, I'm stuck between two options. Talking to the church directly and seeing what they'd do in the hopes of being pleasantly surprised that they would offer aid to anyone who asked, or saying no, I wont furnish the information to my tenants to take to the church.

By talking to the church, I'd definitely interfere with my tenants plans. But by saying no to my tenants, I could then work with them to put them on a payment schedule so they can get caught up on their rent without having to give up the essentials, something they haven't even considered asking me about. I'm more than willing to work with my tenants in hard times. From a strictly business standpoint, it's more profitable in the long run to keep tenants of long standing than have to evict them for non-payment of rent. From a personal standpoint, I *like* them both, and feel sorry they've fallen on hard times. I try to communicate this to them, but the "tenant/landlord" barrier may intimidate them. I'm also a little miffed that they feel comfortable enough to ask me to help them--possibly--in an act of deception instead of just asking ME for ideas.

So ... I'm not sure what to do? Approach the tenants. Approach the church? Take the day off? Walk on sunshine?

post by: WolfDaddy at: 12:10 | 17 comments

Can you call the church on a no-names basis and ask about the criteria for aid? Also, is it legal for the church to specify that it will help people but only if they're not gay?

posted by essexjan 28 November | 12:27

Don't approach the church in any case.

I'd start by talking to the tenants. You don't know that they are planning to deceive the church, so start by saying the church is anti-gay and ask if the chuch will be willing to help them knowing that. See how they respond to that. I think I'd be okay with helping them get church aid if they simply planned to not tell the church unless asked, but not if they were planning on actively deceiving the church.

Once you know what they truly plan to do, you can then decide how you're willing and best able to help them. Maybe you could research other charitable organizations in the area in advance, and give them that information as an alternative to taking aid from the bigoted church, and if that isn't enough to help your tenants get by, then you could trot out your speech about being willing to work with your tenants by offering them payment plans and the like.

posted by Orange Swan 28 November | 12:28

Provide the church with the requisite documents - Say nothing - It's nothing to do with you.

The church may help your friends regardless of their sexuality. Whatever the situation, they'd maybe prefer to work on a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Publically providing Gay people with help may impact the churches ability to get donations from the crowd & help others. Not providing help (because of sexuality) would not be the Christian way.

That's a bit of a meander. Anyhoo...

My opinion: Your tenants should ask for help, but its not so bad to not tell the church that they are gay.

Give them the papers they need. Don't tell them that you're going to let them off rent if times are hard. Set up some kind of payment schedule with them, but You tell them what it is, and how long it lasts for.

And go for that walk. Sunshine is good.

posted by seanyboy 28 November | 12:28

Actually - that advice doesn't feel right.

The thing here is it really does depend on the church & what there policy is on giving help to people they do not like.

There's part of me thinks that it's hard to take a moral high ground when you're desperate, but then there's another part of me thinks - Yes; and when you're desperate is when morality really matters. And just now, there's a part of me thinking - would I steal a loaf of bread if my family were hungry, and then it all gets a bit weird.

I do think it's their choice though. You can guide, but I feel uncomfortable about you forcing them to behave a certain way.

But then I think - what about those people who "out" celebrities. What do I think about that. Is this equivalent?

No - It should be thier choice. There are battles to be chosen, and I don't think this is one of them.

posted by seanyboy 28 November | 12:40

Any church that discriminates on the basis of sexuality deserves to be lied to. Just my opinion.

posted by ColdChef 28 November | 12:46

What seanyboy said. They're just asking you for the documents (I assume financial information to qualify for the aid). I'd leave the rest between them (the church and your tenants). If it was your church, I might see more of a problem. Still, it's not like a church would expect you to know the ins and outs of your tenants' bedroom. You're just the landlord, after all. The greater good to me is helping people in need.

(You are kind to consider helping them out on the rent. My landlord threw a fit when I offered a hundred dollar a month increase instead of the two hundred he wanted, which would have amounted to a 15% increase at once. Soon as I realized he did not want to have to go to court, however, for whatever reason, I knew I had him. We're paying the $100 increase. We've been here going on six years. You'd think he'd appreciate having good, reliable long-term tenants, especially these days. We'll probably move in the spring or summer.)

posted by Pips 28 November | 12:48

I don't know the church, obviously, but I would have a very hard time believing that a church would discriminate it its charity based on sexuality. I've generally seen that churches won't hire non-Christians, for example, but will certainly provide charity for non-Christians (though sometimes with strings attached, like having to listen to a sermon before being allowed to eat).

I would look into the church a bit more; I think an anonymous phone call phrased in the hypothetical ("If a gay person applied for aid, how would your organization handle it?") would be good. I think you may be jumping to a lot of conclusions here (not unreasonably, but still jumping) and getting more concrete, from-the-source info would be good.

posted by occhiblu 28 November | 12:49

In other words, with this:

I'm also a little miffed that they feel comfortable enough to ask me to help them--possibly--in an act of deception instead of just asking ME for ideas.

You're letting your ego get in the way a little bit, here. You don't know that there's any plan for deception involved, you don't know that the church would even need to be deceived, you don't know what other resources your tenants are looking at, etc. etc. You may have a lot of ideas for your tenants, but you're not them -- I know you're coming at this from a place of compassion and wanting to help, but being yet another person who has control over them (as you do as their landlord) dictating the ways in which they are allowed to seek help may not ultimately be the most helpful stance to assume.

All that said, you certainly shouldn't violate your own conscience as you go through this. But work from information rather than hurt feelings or assumptions about the motives of others, because I think they're getting in your way here a bit.

posted by occhiblu 28 November | 12:58

I'm with ColdChef on this one.

I have no idea whether or not the church would aid them if they knew they were gay...by talking to the church, I'd definitely interfere with my tenants plans.

So you have no idea whether this is even an issue, but you know that by talking to the church you'd be interfering.
Wolfdaddy I think you know the answer to this.

However, I would bring up the payment schedule with your tenants anyway, as that seems to be a valid alternative, regardless of whether or not this church can help them (regardless of their sexual orientation).

posted by CitrusFreak12 28 November | 13:07

I don't understand the quandry, exactly. The paperwork you would provide is about financial problems, right? It wouldn't include anything one way or another re orientation, I assume. So you're just saying something accurate.

In terms of the tenants' application to the church for assistance, whether they stay closeted during their application, that's up to them. It seems strange that orientation would be asked about during the application process, so it may be a DADT sort of thing.

posted by Claudia_SF 28 November | 13:18

My older foster kid lives at the Salvation Army transitional housing program. He's queer as three dollar bill, as they say, not at all closeted, and orientation never came up once throughout an extensive application process.

posted by Claudia_SF 28 November | 13:41

I personally would provide the paperwork to them without hesitation.

IMO to interfere with these people's ability to get much-needed aid would be major betrayal on your part.

If you were in the military and one of your coworkers was gay, would you report him?

posted by loiseau 28 November | 13:43

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice, and occhiblu for the splash of cold water objectivity. All I'm being asked to do by my tenants is to verify their tenancy, the amount of rent they pay, and the amount of rent they owe. That's what it boils down to. I do feel a bit of a hypocrite for adopting my own "don't ask, don't tell" stance when DADT as applied to GLBT folk drives me insane. But that's my own issue, and I guess I shouldn't drag my tenants into it, especially when they're obviously in need. Right? I hope so.

If you were in the military and one of your coworkers was gay, would you report him?
No, but it would drive me up the wall. DADT doesn't work; it forces far too many compromises of integrity. Then again, I wouldn't be in the military here in the US in the first place as long as the current policies towards GLBT people are in place.

Thanks everyone, interesting discussion.

posted by WolfDaddy 28 November | 13:51

Give 'em the letter, WolfDaddy; goddess will understand.

posted by Ardiril 28 November | 14:25

glad to see what you decided WolfDaddy, hope they get the help.

posted by Wilder 28 November | 16:02

Dumping cold water is my specialty :-)

Like I said, it's obvious you're coming from a place of compassion, and it seems like you've developed a trusting relationship with your tenants, if they are willing to come to you to ask you for this help. Don't let yourself overthink either of those impulses too much.

posted by occhiblu 28 November | 16:17

As a fellow landlord, I say, nunya beeswax. Provide documents as requested. Keep nose where it belongs.

Also, keep nose from getting bent out of shape.

posted by dhartung 28 November | 16:32

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