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02 November 2008


It is 3:00am here. About an hour and a half ago I woke up to the sound of splashing liquid and muffled laughter. Through our window I saw some drunken teenagers down on the street below trying to steal our bench. I banged on the window loudly and scared them off.

As I was about to crawl back into bed, I remembered, "Wait, what was that water sound?" I looked down the stairs at our front entrance and realized some GODDAMN FUCKING FUCK!!!!! had stuck his dick through our mail slot and pissed all over the inside of our front hallway. The rug was all wet about 5 feet inwards and it stank.

I pulled on my shoes and a jacket and hopped on my bike and drove around for 5 minutes trying to find the fuckers, but the streets were deserted. I went home and pulled up the rug and mopped it all up and sprayed disinfectant. I went back to bed but I am so upset and riled up that I can't sleep.

So I decided to tell you all about it and now I feel a bit better.

However, I am afraid what I would have done to the kid had I caught him.

Just thinking about it.....I probably would have thrown him into the river a block away. GODDAMNIT!!!

Alright, I'm going to bed.

Hmmm, sorry if this post sets off corporate internet filters. Mods, feel free to disemvowel if necessary. Or whatever you do around here to make things soothing and sparkly.

posted by chillmost 02 November | 21:02
WTF?????? That is OUTRAGEOUS.

Fear not karma is gonna kick someone in the arse very soon.

I guess we should feel sorry for anyone who can get their dick and hand through a mail slot to take a piss really.
posted by gomichild 02 November | 21:04
Oh man, that is such an asskicking situation.
posted by sperose 02 November | 21:07
Who the hell does that? That is crazy.

Sleep well, chillmost. The crazy people are passed out for the night.
posted by LoriFLA 02 November | 21:13
So, did that rug really tie the room together?
posted by octothorpe 02 November | 21:19
That is indeed messed up. For those of you not able to sleep tonight, I've posted my get-to-sleep remedy here.
posted by Stewriffic 02 November | 21:21
omg, that's freaking horrible. wtf is wrong with people?
posted by eatdonuts 02 November | 21:26
Just a side note - might be worth looking into something like this in the future.
posted by gomichild 02 November | 21:28
However, I am afraid what I would have done to the kid had I caught him.

I've had that experience too -- going in search of someone who pissed me off and, in retrospect, realizing that I was very lucky not to have found them.

But that really, really sucks.

Get some sleep and talk to the police tomorrow. They may have a good idea of who might be involved.
posted by jason's_planet 02 November | 21:38
Oh man, that's fucken disgusting. You poor thing.
posted by goo 02 November | 21:39
i'm sorry but that is sooooo much nicer than the rage thread i didn't post earlier.
i mean really really.
Kind of for the same reason though.
posted by ethylene 02 November | 21:42
What the hell is wrong with people??
posted by rhapsodie 02 November | 21:54
WTF? Seriously, WTF?
posted by drezdn 02 November | 22:08
They must have been nihilists.
posted by ethylene 02 November | 22:09
Well, that is a pisser.

posted by -t 02 November | 22:20
Ew, WHAT? Who does that?
posted by unsurprising 02 November | 22:45
Hmmm....loved the mail slot in the place we rented when we first moved to Portland, this is something that hadn't occurred to me.

Nope, still really like mailslots, but may need to implement gomichild's solution.

In the end, very sorry that that happened to you, also very glad you didn't catch the twerps, and agree with gomichild that if he can get his hand and cock that much into a mailslot, eesh, maybe letting him have that little bit of fun is a good thing. Ack.
posted by Sil 02 November | 23:04
Too bad you don't have a large angry dog.
posted by arse_hat 02 November | 23:49
Or a stealthy, evil-minded dog trained on vienna franks.
posted by Triode 03 November | 00:12
I am so sorry. People suck.
posted by Savannah 03 November | 00:35
What a bunch of BS!
Sorry you had to deal with that. Ugh.
posted by lilywing13 03 November | 01:11
Gah, treepour! My slutty exroommate's fuckbuddies did that to me freshman year--at the time I thought it was pickle juice.

I know in California throwing piss on someone is considered an assault with a caustic (because of the ammonia);also, DNA can be extracted....
posted by brujita 03 November | 01:28
So, did that rug really tie the room together?

This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man.
posted by chillmost 03 November | 03:32
Some days you eat the bear, some days the bear rides around on his bicycle looking for the Nihilists, but is ultimately glad he doesn't find them.
posted by taz 03 November | 03:36
Sure sounds like you were targeted. Did you give out crap candy on Friday night?

And you should have kept the piss for DNA testing :P
posted by terrapin 03 November | 07:17
Sure sounds like you were targeted.

Au contraire, my friend. This sounds like something that could be completely random. "Hey. Hey. Guys. Hey. Let's... let's go still this bench...." "HAHAH YES ok let's fucking do it." "man I need to take a piss.... hey... wait a second... I have an idea..."


Teenagers can be jerks and morons. Drunk teenagers can be even worse.
Drunk teenagers who probably did similar stuff on Halloween and got away with it and now want to test the limits even further are probably even worse than that.

Sorry this happened, that really sucks.
posted by CitrusFreak12 03 November | 09:20
Yeah, I think it was completely random. We live on the corner of a street that has a bunch of bars and kabab shops down at the other end. When the bars close, occasionally we get some riff-raff our way. Plus, drunk Germans will piss anywhere they stand when they get the urge.

When I have Americans visiting me here and we go for a pub crawl in Hamburg, I often get asked why people piss everywhere. When I am visiting America with Germans, I have to remind them that they are not at home and must be a bit more inconspicuous about their urination.

But man, pissing in mail slots, that shit is just wrong.
posted by chillmost 03 November | 10:44
People are shits. We should nuke the place from orbit; it's the only way to be sure.
posted by deborah 03 November | 14:36
Oh my gosh! That's so wrong and so gross. Ugh. Wow. Just wow.

Be thankful though, that it was 1st Class Mail and not, you know, 2.
posted by jrossi4r 03 November | 15:44
I feel sewy. || Unable to sleep! Too excited! Eeeeeeeee!