do you live next to Roast Beef?

I used to live next to a guy kind of like that. He cleared his throat all morning long, every day (most likely to rid his lungs of copious residue from his pot smoking habit). There were long throat-clearings followed by spitting sounds. He pretty clearly sold drugs out of his house, and once I had to call the police on him due to a domestic violence incident.

One of my friends nicknamed him "Phlegm Shady."

Oh great. I've had several coughing fits in the last four days, two of which turned into a bit of dry heaving as my body rejected the post nasal drip that had apparently drained into both lungs and stomach with a mucousy string connecting the two and triggering the gag reflex. It's something I get a couple times a year and lasts for at least a week as an unpleasant substitute for normal cold symptoms. It's thoroughly unpleasant and totally non-drug-related. The reason I'm sharing this with you wabbits is because now I am worrying about what the neighbors think, further encouraging me to limit all my human interaction to on-line.

I don't have any neighbors near enough for me to be alerted to their morning habits at the moment, but then again at the last place I couldn't tell you what the downstairs neighbors (and their six hundred closests friends) did when they woke up either BECAUSE THEY NEVER FUCKING WENT TO SLEEP EVER.

My scuzzball neighbour - a heavy smoker - also de-phlegms when he gets up. Nice.

I don't have neighbors that are close enough to really hear (although I do have a funny story, which I'll share in a moment), but my mother (who gets up at some crazy batshit hour) rises every morning, starts the dishwasher and turns on the TV in the kitchen SUPER LOUDLY so she can listen to it while blowdrying her hair.
And of course, once I manage to stumble out of my room, not really coherent enough, she tries to hug me and treat me like one of the animals that cartoon girl had (the one who would squeeze them so hard and they would try to run away? Yeah, that. Everyfuckingday.)

But funny neighbor storytime: I had a sleepover with some friends of mine and we were sitting on the garage roof (right outside my bedroom window, thanks for the skipping out escape route folks!) and were playing with a set of binoculars (looking at the stars and the like). Well, we saw lights on in the one neighbor's house. So we peeked over there to see what was going on. THE WINDOW WAS OPEN AND THEY WERE LOOKING BACK AT US ALSO WITH BINOCULARS.
We then proceeded to have some serious girl squealing and ran back inside.

you people are making me seriously nervous about my living habits that i don't notice - my neighborlady (we share a duplex) said she wanted to talk to me (well, me and the bf) about something this morning when i got home from work.

what did i do?!

*hacky hacky koff koff hacky koff koff*
i can breathe just fine. No, it's not the cat. Shut up.

"Phlegm Shady"

*sobs with laughter*

RE: The Phlegm Issue

Oh no no no, if it was just hacking up lung oysters it would be one thing. This is full on "too much tequila, arch your back like a cat" noise. It's been going on for over a year now (at least that's when I first noticed it). I could live with it better if I knew WHY he was doing it. Is he sick? A drunk? Bulimic? Why is it only in the morning (before noon at least)? Why is it every single day?? Is no one else concerned?

Maybe his wife is poisoning him for being such a twat waffle to her and their kid (never truly "abusive", just rude, mean, and obnoxious.

My neighbor is a jackass, precisely at 6am every morning you hear him braying for his breakfast. Yes. Literally.

T

*hacky hacky koff koff hacky koff koff*

This is the Mr. Coffee jingle.