Everything I know about house parties, I learned from those Kid 'n' Play movies.

Sometimes they do free facials, I think.

I went to a makeup party once. There wasn't a formal presentation- the host would circulate among the gathering and show off various makeup tips (using the products she's selling, of course). I know that you don't "have" to buy something, but I think it's nice to buy a little something if the stuff is relatively cheap, which Mary Kay is. I think Mary Kay does body products and skin care, so there's probably something you would like.

Oh no, now I'm looking at the Mary Kay catalog. Must stop!! Cannot buy any more lip gloss!!

Oh lord. Is it just a makeup party, or is it the actual "OPPORTUNITY SEMINAR"?

I was dragged to one of the latter when I was in grad school (by a woman who was staying at the hotel where I worked while she was displaced by the Iowa floods of '93 and who bore an uncanny resemblence to Edie McClurg; I had just broken up with my boyfriend and she caught me one day, sniffling, and said, "I think you could use a real pick-me-up!" and the rest was pink-tinged history).

If, indeed, you are attending the opportunity seminar, I offer you one piece of friendly advice: if there is a drawing for non-members to win a grand prize, DO NOT ENTER IT. I did, and -- god almighty, these things never happen to me, not since I scored the three-layer chocolate cake in the cakewalk at my sixth grade school carnival -- I WON.

This was the worst possible outcome.

What I won, in fact, was THE MARY KAY STARTER KIT -- a $300 value! -- and the opportunity to immediately begin my Mary Kay career!

Standing helplessly, outfitted in a Bauhaus t-shirt and a field hockey kilt and Doc Marten mary-janes whilst helplessly clutching a gigantic PINK satchel filled with makeup that had been thrust into my hands, I was immediately surrounded by ladies in jewel-tone suits like the runt of a litter being set upon by heavily perfumed wolves.

My career had begun! Faux-Edie, having brought me, got the honor of being my mentor. For the next several days and weeks, I was exhorted to set up my training immediately. What was I waiting for? There would no longer be a need for my second job to support myself as I struggled through grad school -- no need for the attendant crippling debt -- certainly no need for me to waste time going to grad student union organizing meetings. Why? Because THERE WAS NOW NO NEED FOR ME TO GO TO GRAD SCHOOL AT ALL.

Three weeks later, when I attempted for the final time to GIVE MY STARTER KIT BACK, Faux-Edie could finally see that I was a lost cause.

"I can't take it back," she said coldly. "You won it. And now someone who really wanted a career will never have it."

(If you're just going for the makeup, though, carry on. I used their eyeliner for years.)

Oh, scody, I think I love you. I can SO see me there.

(Although we already got the speech in grad school where they tell us we MUST succeed for all the little people they didn't admit, the ones we crushed beneath our sensible librarian shoes.)

I won a Mary Kay party at a raffle at our annual Town Day celebration. I was worried about the hard sell but it was pretty low-key. The rep brought the season's highlighted product (a hand care set; scrub, lotion, etc.) and everyone got to try it, then she determined each person's best color for foundation and let people sample other products (she had those little 1-application sample packs for different items). Most of my friends are non-makeup people but just about everyone found something they could use: hand cream, lip balm, etc.

Scody speaks the truth. Years ago, I was looking to bring in extra money besides my full-time job (this was before kids) and since I love makeup, I thought this would be a great idea. But the SEMINAR....they had a little "clapping" rah-rah session, and then the hard sell began. I tried, I really did, but not many people were interested, I lost interest, and eventually sent the majority of my starter kit back. (I did keep the stuff I really liked, however!)

Oh dear. My friend mentioned that there was a big clapping thing (which is apparently the part at which my other friend started getting twitchy).

It's okay. I can play the big bitch well enough.

I just love them for the pink Cadillac, crushed velvet
seats riding in the back, oozing down the street
waving to the girls, feeling out of sight spending
all my money on a Saturday night honey I just
wonder what they do there in the back of their pink
Cadillac, pink Cadillac

I sold Avon to a Mary Kay lady once.

A Mary Kay lady with a pink cadillac. For reals.

Too bad it isn't a Mary Kay makeup party. They give you little white trays and squeeze out products that match your skin tone and eye color. Everyone sits around a table, cleanses, moisturizes, and applies makeup.

I'm great at graciously turning consultants down. I'll happily go to the party, and I'll even buy stuff, but I make it clear that I'm not interested in becoming a consultant or hosting a party. I just say, "no thanks". They will press. "Oh, you can earn so much in free products if you have a party!" I say, "No thanks, I don't do parties." They get the hint. They'll give you a little form to fill out, just check, "not interested, EVER" for every question.

I went to a Mary Kay party a few months ago. I bought two mineral eyeshadows and a tube of face mask that I like. I would advise against buying eyeshadow from Mary Kay. They're tiny and not worth the money. Their Satin Hands line is one of their most popular products. You can't go wrong with a lip gloss or a hand lotion.

At the party I went to, the Mary Kay consultant was an engineer that used to work for Texaco. She was very charming and very attractive and knew how to press. She delivered some products to my work place and asked again if I would like to book a makeover. Again, I confidently said "no thanks." It's not high-pressure, but they'll rope you in if you let them.

Everyone sits around a table, cleanses, moisturizes, and applies makeup.

That is my idea of the ninth circle of hell.

I especially object to the mositurizing. Everything these days has moisturizer in it. Just how moist do we need to be? Keep this up and we'll all be puddles.

Lori, there was the little white trays with moisturizer and stuff. And actually I thought some of it was really nice, but honestly? I do NOT have $50 free to drop on moisturizer right now when my Cetaphil routine is working just fine.

And then there was the "are you free to listen to a half-hour presentation on what Mary Kay can do for you? You'll be entered into a drawing to win $300 of free product!" and the "Make sure to get your order in before the holiday season!" and the "Great gift for your moms and grandmothers!" and "If you have any FRIENDS that you refer to us and THEY become a representative you get free product!" and WTF is it with the "product"? MAKEUP, people, it's not magic!

(And also I am annoyed because the guy in my apartment who "felt a connection" after I loaned him a hammer is calling me to set up a date. Yes, I shouldn't have given him my phone number. Now I shall either have to be honest and kind (which might not work) or mean (which I hate doing). Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.)

Offer to sign him up as a Mary Kay cosmetic rep.

You are evil, occhi.

Be honest....some people don't fucking understand that "I am not interested" means repeated declarations of love are NOT welcome.

I'm just saying: Two birds, one lipstick-covered stone.

I figure, first "honest and kind" and then just "honest" and then "honest and mean." And then start swearing.

The annoying thing is that I'm all about the "be friendly with your neighbors, you might need them sometime" concept, which probably got misread in this instance. Should I even bother going to coffee with him or should I just...not?

Also also? Mary Kay's "Our products are BETTER than hypoallergenic"? Total bs. My face itched. And there was so much PRODUCT on it that I couldn't possibly figure out which one was annoying me and consider the other ones.