OH, one of the lost joys of call-centre work - particularly if you have a freecall number.

There used to be a regular caller who would start off asking fairly normal questions about stationery and it would generally culminate in "What colour are your knickers?".

When I eventually got him, I couldn't help myself and started laughing and very pleasantly told him that I thought he was a little sad and was that the best he could do? He hung up. I got him again and yelled "Hey, it's the underpants man again..." to much laughter in the group and he hung up and vanished for weeks.

By the time I'd left that company two years later, his schtick had change to asking if we sold cleaning equipment (yes), and then vacuum cleaners (yes) and then asking if they sucked (red flag) etc etc etc.

I've dealt with a lot of weird-ass calls over the years, but I never got a masturbator. Man, people have some strange kinks.

Why does it sound so much more charming when underwear is called knickers? Anything is better than "panties"......ugh.

We have a weirdo too. The first time he called, the poor 85 yr old woman who works here answered the phone. She was on speaker phone. He started telling her that his gf left him, and of course this sweet woman starts commiserating and clucking sympathetically. Then he tells her that his gf left him because he was "too small". I'm sitting in my office overhearing this, and as soon as I heard "too small" the warning lights go off, and I head towards her cubby. I hear him ask her if she thinks he's too small. She says...how would I know how small you are? And in spite of myself I'm smiling, thinking of how naive she is. So then I hear him tell her that he's 4 inches. And she's going "Oh come on! How can you only be four inches tall!! You're just being silly!" and I go over and press the button on her phone to disconnect him. And then I have to explain what he *really* meant. I thought she was going to die.

And then he calls back a week later...jerk. And again the old woman answers the phone. This time as soon as she recognizes his voice, I hear her tell him, "Go fuck yourself".

It was so awesome.

Years ago we had a serial obscene phone caller at work-work being third shift Waffle House.

One night I was working, and it just so happened that one of my customers was a policeman (one of our regulars.)

The phone rang, I answered it, and it was the obscene phone caller. I didn't say a word, I just handed the phone to the cop. And I wish you all could have seen his face once he realized what I had just handed him.

After about a minute, he identified himself to the caller as such and asked if he "could help him."

That was the last call we got from that particular fellow.

I've worked at three hotels that have been harassed by foot-fetishists. They call up and when they get a female employee, they tell them that they're coming for a stay and they want to know what kind of shoes they should bring. Then, a whole "shoe" conversation starts, before they finally start asking about socks and stockings.

One of my employees told him that she was a fat, hairy woman with hammertoes (she was), but that didn't seem to dissuade him.

I think that laughter and ridicule would be good deterrents.

I know those things always ruin it for me.