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18 August 2008

"If you put a burrito under your pillow before you go to bed, it will turn into a helper monkey" and other great lies to tell children.
OH MY GOD, I'm totally telling my nephews that this weekend.
posted by scody 18 August | 14:31
"The distance between men's nipples is eleven inches"
posted by essexjan 18 August | 14:34
There's no gravity on airplanes, except for in first class.

I told my little sister this when she was about 8 and we were taxiing for takeoff on her very first flight. And then went on about how since we were right behind the bulkhead for first class we should be fine but she should still make sure to keep her seatbelt buckled.

I am such a bad person.
posted by Fuzzbean 18 August | 14:36
I have my three year old convinced that the last two words to the U.S. National Anthem are "Play ball!"
posted by Joe Invisible 18 August | 14:41
I once convinced my mom that her friend Bob's full name was "Bobert" and not "Robert", because why would Bob from from Robert?
posted by mullacc 18 August | 14:43
(my mom isn't a child, thank god, but it was still a funny lie)
posted by mullacc 18 August | 14:45
"God knows about that bad thing you did."
posted by Meatbomb 18 August | 14:51
Sarah Silverman has a bit in Jesus is Magic where she says children need motivation to excel, and so she tells her niece that whenever she strikes out in softball, an angel gets full-blown AIDS.

There are also a lot of good Jack Handey bits to tell kids.
posted by amro 18 August | 15:03
My father used to tell me that when you press the 'walk' button at a stoplight, a little rod pushes the stomach of the green elf. Then that green elf pulls on the leg of another, who has to run all the way up to the top and tell the red/green/yellow elves to change the lights. It takes time but then the people have to wait until the elves can change the lights. Good in theory to tell a kid, but he didn't factor in how sensitive I was, and never understood why people repeatedly pressing the button would make me upset. All I could think of in my 6 year old head was the poor elf repeatedly getting punched in the stomach.
posted by typewriter 18 August | 15:04

I told the 3 year old son of a guy I was dating that if he swallowed orange seeds his hair would turn green. I didn't think he heard me or believed me, and then a few hours later I heard him very seriously telling his dad not to eat the orange seeds or his hair would turn green.
posted by chewatadistance 18 August | 15:17
My parents used to tell me that if I swallowed watermelon seeds a watermelon would grow in my stomach.
posted by amro 18 August | 15:23
I love Hellbient's.

My mom used to tell me she found me under a cabbage leaf. (I knew it wasn't true, and she knew I knew it wasn't, but we still both had a lot of fun with that.)

I convinced a kid I used to nanny that I could change the red lights to green by blowing at them. (Inspired by Corrina, Corrina.)
posted by Specklet 18 August | 16:52
My parents used to tell me that if I swallowed watermelon seeds a watermelon would grow in my stomach.

Hmm. The version I knew was that every pregnant woman you ever saw swallowed watermelon seeds, which was good enough reason to spit them out.

Once, on a cross-country RV trip, my brother (who mostly wanted to get rid of me) told me that if I pressed on the tip of my nose, I'd be invisible. So I spent the next hour saying "Can you see me now? Can you see me now? Now? Betcha can't see me!" So, that little lie backfired.
posted by mudpuppie 18 August | 16:55
For many years, a friend of my father had me convinced that every Christmas eve Jesus took the night off so he could play Santa Claus.

In a way, I still believe this.
posted by BitterOldPunk 18 August | 17:27
My parents used to tell me that if I swallowed watermelon seeds a watermelon would grow in my stomach.

I was told this as well. I think this was the only fun lie they told me. Except for Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, or Easter Bunny. My mom used to tell me to "drink more water", whatever my complaint was. Water was a cure all in my household.
posted by LoriFLA 18 August | 17:33
Norm MacDonald pulls no punches at the Bob Saget roast || Email disclaimers.