Looking for a little peace. →
This evening I got a call from someone close to me which quickly dissolved into a shouting match full of accusations, hate, and all manner of other nastiness. I slammed the phone down at the end of the call and actually screamed in anger at the end of it. My hands were shaking. I don't think either one of us were listening to each other at the end: like playing two recordings at opposite ends of the line.
I'm usually really even-keeled on the phone, even with this person, but tonight I feel like this scary genie of anger has come out of its bottle. I don't want to be someone who reacts to things the way I reacted to them tonight. I should have just hung up on the person when it got really heated, but I ignored the better angels of my nature and got drawn in.
Suffice it to say I don't feel close to this person anymore. I feel like the whole positive history of my relationship with this person is now gone forever. It's like their true nature was finally revealed and it was worse - far worse - than anything I imagined. It feels like what I imagine the death of someone dear to you might feel like: an excision of the parts of you that resided in them. Like I invested this love and time and forgiveness and patience into them and came to find that all that's just as easily discarded as yesterday's newspaper.
So what can I do? I'm moving to the other side of the world from this person in about a month, but I don't know if I want to leave without resolving this, or at least trying to come to a negotiated peace. Do I wash my hands of them or keep re-investing? This person, for better or worse, will be in my family's life for the foreseeable future; they are not easily avoided and are nearby whenever I'm home.
I want to believe that people change, that anger subsides. But I also know that the things we both said to each other were awful, truly awful, and I don't know how to go back, or forward, from there.