Cell telephones are crazy. Just crazy, I tells ya.→[More:]

So, about a month ago, an acquaintance was in town and some of my peops were having a get-together about a five-minutes' walk from my pad. Unfortunately, I had a previous engagement to rock a BBQ in far-off Brooklyn (The Planet), and though I woulda loved to see my aforementioned peops, obligation yadda yadda...

So I was at my buddy's BBQ, squirting condiments and chomping franks, when I received a coupla phone calls from the local get-together. My hands were full, and I was loaded, not to mention far, far away, so I didn't answer.

The next day I called back to express my regrets at my absence; I heard from one returned call that I missed quite a shindig. The second pal I called, however, how do I say it?

I called, and it rang a few times and then the phone picked up. I heard rustling sounds and muffled conversation. Then I heard a loud tearing or zipping sound, and then splashing. The muffled conversation continued.

It dawned on me that my friend had accidentally (or on some insidious purpose) picked up his phone while using a public restroom, so I started shouting, "DUDE! THIS IS YOUR DICK! GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF ME OR I'M RUNNING AWAY!" but no dice. Whistling didn't work either.

I hung up after a few minutes.

Some of you might be able to figure out who the major players in this story are. Some of you are major players.

Maybe it was all an elaborate hoax, played with an extremely long ansaphone message. I kinda doubt it. Either way, I heard your dick, dude.