I wasn't sure I believed in marriage in the past. First married dwindled and died.

Second marriage has had its rough spots, but work together pretty well as a team, and it's been necessary. I believe in the teamwork side of it.

I was married. It was not one of my better ideas.

I don't know if I would get married again. I like the idea of being with someone forever in theory, but I can't even hack long term dating, and my marriage itself was only two and a half years, so clearly commitment isn't my strong suit.

And, deep down, I don't think I should get married, even if I am committed and in love, since so many of my friends can't because of prejudice. Like I shouldn't as a sign of solidarity with them.

I "believe" in marriage. Not as some fairy tale happily ever after land, but as a commitment to stay together through good and bad. I'm lucky to know lots of people who make it work, each in their own way. I probably will get married someday.

I'm married, mind, body & soul. Unlikely I'll ever have a paper to say so, though. As an institution, it seems a wash to me.

Just planning my third. After the second I went through a patch of wanting to stay single, but that's lonely. I need a life partner, someone who really cares, and with the intention we will stick around even through rough spots. So yeah, I say YES to marriage.

I believe in marriage as one potential life path with advantages and disadvantages, just like any other life path. It takes work to be ready for marriage and to find the right partner for some people, and for others, the costs might be too high for it to be the right path. It does make raising kids easier economically (money and time) because of economies of scale. Yet that also is true of communal societies such as kibbutzim and perhaps the old Amana Colonies with their communal meals. Yet some people find advantages to marriage even without children. There are economic advantages for the non- poor (in the US) at least), and certain societal advantages as well. The tradeoffs include personal freedoms to some extent.

I myself find one more advantage -- I find that being in a healthy marriage provides some sort of synergy that makes it easier to do all the things I want to do in life. I don't know how to explain it.

I don't really get the whole "believing in marriage" thing.

Marriage obviously works well for some people, and doesn't work for other people.

Equally obviously, a lot depends on who you're married to.

So, I don't really get why some people seem to strongly believe that everyone should get married. Some people just shouldn't.

I guess I do believe in marriage because I am married.

I believe in commitment more than a piece of paper. Legal marriage does have its perks and I wanted to have the same last name as my children. Although, sharing a last name is not important to me any longer.

I was the type never to care about a white dress and walking down the aisle and all that stuff. My mother drummed "Don't get married until you are 30" and "Get an education before you think of getting married. Don't depend on a man.", etc. since I was in junior-high. She also repeatedly told us that marriage is hard work and you can't pick up and leave when the going gets tough.

I never thought about marriage much until my husband asked me to marry him. I definitely thought it was a good idea then and still do.

I do like being married, although it is difficult at times. I have known my husband since I was 20 years-old. He is my family member. I'm closer to my husband more than anybody else in the world. Personally, for me, life is better being married. I couldn't imagine life without him. I don't think about leaving. It's not an option for us. We have children and we're a close family unit. I would be absolutely heartbroken if it was broken up.

I've been married for almost ten years. I truly love the man. That said, yes, it's dysfunctional! As TPS said, Each In His Own Way.

The other interesting thing about marriage is that for whatever cultural reason, people tend to want to get married. It's like a milestone. I feel really bad for people who have never been married, not because they have never been married, no not at all, but they tend to carry a baggage of I've Never Been Married. And that's sad. It's totally cool. But I remember the whole angst of Will I Ever Be Married? And it's crazy and it's fu****.

If something happened, Would I marry again? Probably not. Not because I don't love the man, and love being married, but because of, well, all kinds of things.

One - it's a contract, a tax break, and gay marriage isn't there yet. Two, like I said, to make it work, in my experience, it's quite dysfunctional. What do I mean by that? Accepting, accepting, accepting. I am so lucky to have been accepted as I am. And I'm not a perfect peach. I also let a buncha stuff slide. And maybe I shouldn't. But who says? I think many people break up their marriages because it's not perfect. I say there is no such thing.

I love the support and the teamsmanship to keep the house, cars, pets running. I hate that I know I would not be smoking if my spouse didn't smoke. Compromises like that.

Also, I know that my marriage would not have withstood kids. So we're lucky, in that we don't want them, neither of us. That's a whole different bag of worms.

Yeah, I kind of agree with what TheophileEscargot is saying. For me, the institution of marriage in and of itself is kind of meaningless. Or rather, the institution is less meaningful than the committment behind it. But, it works for me, so I guess I "believe" in it. That doesn't mean I think RAH RAH RAH everyone should get married, or that other peoples' relationships are less valid because they are not married. In a different situation I would probably not be married because I'm a lazy person and like I said it never changed how I felt about my relationship. However, the hassle of staying in the US sans greencard definitely outweighed my ambivalence about the instition. Also, my husband is somewhat more traditional than me and does feel like it adds something to our relationship. Because I love him, and really didn't care either way, I married him.

I hope that doesn't sound cold. I am very happy to be with my husband!

I want a name for this: I'm conservative in many many regards; most of you would find me almost totally a square in just about every regard. But I'm liberal in the essential point that I don't think everybody else gotta be the same way as I am; indeed, up to "An it hurt none" it's all good as far as I'm concerned. For other people, not necessarily for me. And so I can't say I'm conservative either, because apparently among the hallmarks of conservatism is also "everybody else should, too". So.

I'm pretty young here, and heading into my first marriage. Honestly, if there was a legal alternative to the federal and state benefits we get from getting hitched, then I wouldn't get married at all. I don't think MuddDude and I need validation for our committment to each other, but what we do need is subsidised health care benefits through my job. I don't have any illusions that marriage is a forever-thing (although both my parents and MuddDude's parents have been together for other 30 years), and I don't "believe" in soul mates or true love. I "believe" in life-long companionship and regular sexual activity with someone who's got a good chance of being disease-free :) Also, MuddDude is my best friend, and if we were the same sex I'm sure we'd be life partners of a different stripe. Furthermore, I'm pretty liberal, in that I don't think marriage is a requirement for having kids.

On preview, lots of wise stuff here. This: I believe in marriage as one potential life path with advantages and disadvantages, just like any other life path. It takes work to be ready for marriage and to find the right partner for some people, and for others, the costs might be too high for it to be the right path.

And this: I hope that doesn't sound cold. I am very happy to be with my husband!

I guess I don't understand the question. I've seen marriages - hell, we just attended a wedding this Saturday - so, yeah.

If you're asking "is it for everybody?", then no, of course not. The only things that are for everybody are eating and breathing. Most everything else is up to the individual.

I've been with my current girlfriend for 7 years. We's married, and we ain't.

Not sure if I've linked to them here, but there are some graphs here from a very large study of happiness reported over a long period.

It does clearly show that there is a modest degree of happiness associated with marriage, lasting up to about 4 years after the event on average. But it's not a particularly huge effect compared with things like unemployment. And it's partly cancelled out by a degree of unhappiness associated with divorce or widowhood, one of which is quite likely to happen.

So I don't really see what the big deal is.

Also, I had a go at sticking the "Marriage" graph to the "Divorce" graph to show happiness over the course of a typical relationship.

≡ Click to see image ≡

I could give or take marriage. I'm really glad I'm with my wife, to whom I'm utterly committed, and I think we'd be exactly where we are right now minus a piece of paper if for some reason marriage didn't exist as a popular concept. We're happy and good to each other and don't let foolish shit fuck up our deal.

So I think I don't believe in marriage as a social rite or expectation or contract above and beyond in anyway the notion of treating who you love well. If anything, I believe in divorce more than marriage -- there are a lot more people in the world who should split up and don't than there are people who should get together but haven't.

Since I'm married, I better.

I'm kinda meh on the whole thing. I've recently watched a good friend of mine from high school get married and another friend of mine be engaged to her baby daddy and then breaking it off shortly after the baby was born (due to non-baby issues).
My folks are married and have been for many years, but I don't think of their situation as a true 'marriage' in the lovey-dovey way I want to think of it in my head. They treat it more as a business arraignment, which sounds very rude when I type it out like that, but that's the way it appears.

Of course, some of this could be residual bitterness because I don't date (because that usually involves sexing, ew) and my last bf proposed about 2 months after we started dating (which is a whole other can of dynamite that isn't worth going into right now). psychotic bastard

I think it's one of those things that works for some people and is nothing more than a trainwreck for others.

I love the concept of marriage, being married, and the person I'm married to.

All that said, I don't think it's for everyone.

I tried it twice and it didn't work out either time. I don't think it's meant for me - given recent events, I'm pretty damn sure about that. I could get all sad and then angry and go on but, oh well, fuck it. There are compromises no matter what you do and nothing in life is perfect. My parents stayed unhappily married for 52 years, although, granted, they finally started getting along during the last 10 years or so. Growing up in the middle of a bad - occasionally pretty horrifically bad - marriage, though, made me a little gun shy, I think. I have two brothers; all of us are single. We saw the bad case scenario first hand.

Some of my friends are in really great marriages and I'm happy for them. It's awesome to be around people who are married and in love and happy. Less awesome to be around people who've forgotten why they ever got together in the first place. I guess I agree with bmarkey.

Being married feels like keeping an old car on the road. You need to have a feel for those repairs that you can defer, and those which, if let slide, will result in the loss of the use of the car.

It also feels good, for the (by far) most part.

It is my wish that, when the time comes, either my wife or I die in the other's loving arms. A very long time from now.

I believe in my marriage. I don't know what works for other folks but it does work for us. It's my second (her first) and it's a little shocking how well it works compared to my first which didn't work at all. My wife was away last week on business and I was really kind of a wreck by the end of the week; after knowing each other for eight years and being married for five, it feels good to still miss someone that much.

But again, it works for us and I don't really know why. It really didn't work with my first wife and she's not really all that different a type of person from my wife. They're both introverted social scientists who read a lot of sci-fi and have similar political and religious beliefs. I'm sure that if they filled out some sort of Harmony.com profile, they'd come out with similar matches. They even like each other. But life with wife one was hell and life with wife two is wonderful. So I have no wisdom to impart on the subject.

I like the idea of lifelong commitment, and I like the idea of affirming that commitment in front of one's family and community and whatnot. But I don't much like the parts that involve religious and/or governmental authority. And marriage and marriage laws have, in the past, been used as a tool to oppress people, and I'm not too crazy about that either.

I'd get married if my partner wanted to. I changed my mind, gradually, sometime in my mid-20s. Before that, I don't think I would've been willing to marry at all.

I was married once. Great guy, good friend (we're still in touch fairly regularly), we just weren't meant to be married to each other.

But sure, I still "believe" that marriage can be great for people who are well-suited to making it work. I don't believe it's the inevitable end-all, be-all of all relationships for everyone, though, but that's the message that's reinforced in a million ways culturally, socially, economically, etc.

What I really don't believe in anymore, speaking purely for myself, is weddings. Ugh. If scodyboy and I ever get married, my idea would be to go to the courthouse to get hitched, immediately go on vacation, and throw a great party to celebrate a few weeks later.

I guess I don't understand the question.

I meant the question for individual answers -- what do you think, as an individual, for yourself, your life. I'm also wondering about whether people have experienced changes in what they think about marriage. I'm wondering if my current belief (that I'm not cut out for marriage) will stay the same, or if it is possible my outlook will change.

It is my wish that, when the time comes, either my wife or I die in the other's loving arms. A very long time from now.

Yeah, I'm kind of hoping for "simultaneously, and instantly, in a shuttle explosion when we're both 120", personally.

Ah. Got it.

Science Girl and I have been together... I guess it'll be eight years come September. We have been engaged for seven of those years. In my mind, we are as married as we'd be if we had the license & ceremony & all that. We have made that commitment to each other, and the rest is just for show. We do still want to get married, for the tax break and because it would make our respective families happy.

So, to answer your question: yes, I "believe" in marriage. Have my ideas changed? No. People who want to get married should be able to do so; people who don't shouldn't be hassled or pressured by friends, family or society to do so; people who don't want to be married anymore should have that right, too.

I'm also wondering about whether people have experienced changes in what they think about marriage.

I don't think I have experienced changes of what I think about marriage. I went into it with pretty realistic expectations. I lived with my husband for a while before I married. I knew marriage wasn't roses all of the time. That said, I do think people change and end up wanting different things along the way. Not different people, but changes in social life, career, etc. That can be difficult if one person isn't on the same page, but still can be worked out, at least it could in my case.

I wonder how many of the people who are ambivilant about marriage have divorced parents. Just curious.

I figure my answer was most likely colored by my mom and stepdad splitting up last month.

I wonder how many of the people who are ambivilant about marriage have divorced parents. Just curious.

Eh, I'm ambivalent about it myself, but my parents just celebrated their...36th anniversary last month. I fall in line somewhere around bmarkey's point of view.

This is the 4th year the SO and I have been together and the 3rd that we've lived together, and I can take or leave it to be honest with you. I guess my feelings stem from the fact that I don't have any strong reasons to get married. We're not going to have kids. We're not esp. religious (she is somewhat, I skate that thin trifecta line between agnosticism, apathy, and atheism), our respective families are mostly cool with our current arrangement, etc.

I imagine as some point we'll have a ceremony of some sort, although I don't know what that'll entail. I highly doubt it'll be anything traditional, probably just a simple ceremony with a non-denom minister (or possibly Unitarian) or a J.P. Her family is a lot larger than mine, though, and a lot more traditional, so we'll see. I just hope it's short, sweet, small, and memorable. A party for the rest of the folks can come at a later point, if friends and acquaintances want to do something.

My views on marriage have changed quite a bit, compared to when I was 13 or 14 and saw it as a divine institution ordained to protect chastity and encourage procreation within some sort of protected, nuclear family.

So, yeah :)

My views on marriage have actually improved. I used to think it was some kind of chattel slavery and besides, we didn't need no piece of paper from the city hall keeping us tied and troooooooooo.

Now, though, I think it's a symbol of commitment and important just as that. It's sweet. It's kind of quaint, but, whatever. I remember when Alaska or somewhere was trying on the limited term marriages, where you could just have a 2 year contract. That sounded good to me - divorces are way more complicated and expensive than getting married and I kind of think it should be the other way around.

I like the whole idea of partnership. It's just the actual thing I have trouble with.

My understanding is that originally, people married each other. Someone didn't marry them to each other. I think it is archaic and suspect that there are laws and tax breaks that apply to married people. What business does the government have in anyone's bedroom? None, IMHO. Would I like those perks? Sure - who wouldn't? But I don't need anyone's blessing on my personal life, least of all a bunch of lawyers I don't even know, and those are the strings those perks come with.

As a gay person, I know countless gay couples who are more committed to their life partners than many "legally" married straight people, and have been together far longer than the latter. I also know straight couples who are still happily together, and gay couples that break up right & left.

In my mind it's about partnership, friendship, respect and acceptance as is, and love. I do NOT understand wtf that has to do with the government, or anyone outside the partnership. But I'm also for separation of church and state, so I'll pass along the bag of worms.

In my mind it's about partnership, friendship, respect and acceptance as is, and love.

and gowns and cake.

And flowers! And pictures! And shoes for bridesmaids, and makeup consultations, and on and on.

I know many couples that are together for a long, long time - some are married, some not, and some decided to marry after 8 or 9 years together. These are straight and gay couples.

Some recognized the tax and inheritence issues are tilted to benefit the married couples. Others simply wanted to have some ceremony to celebrate their togetherness or felt that way for religious beliefs. I think the most heartbreaking thing I know is my best friends are a gay couple who have been together for almost 30 years and really want to be recognized as married. They did have a ceremony in another State, but ours still does not recognize them as legitimate. They are exactly what you want to see in a long term relationship - loving, open, giving to each other. Arrggghh! It makes me a bit testy to see them denied something so simple as acknowledgement!

As for me - I'm pretty much like LoriFLA, wasn't interested in the couple thing until after living with my future hubby and deciding to get married. It was right for us. I still feel that I am married to him, and will always feel this way. There will be no parting of our souls. We were unlikely to have found each other, and there's no break in our bond.

It's a legal contract, and that's how i see it.
Married people, even when the marriage is not "amazing" are more content on the whole because the pooling of recources lends itself to a higher standard of living and a shortcut through a lot of bullshit by just being the spouse, a family member you chose rather than happened into.
i never had a some fantasy idea about marriage or wedding or that stuff. About finding a person or people but not the connotated means of the words.
i believe it can be fabulous and it see a lot of people who should have thought about it more.
If there's a reason, citizenship, legal right and benefits, children--
i'm a fan of pagentry and ceremonies, public declarations, and community celebrations but it really bothers me that people who do believe in the connotated meaning of the word marriage can't get married.
i'd be happy to run around marrying people, as a reverend.
i'd be happy to find someone i'd want to marry, as it'd really help me out in all the practical ways, but i'd no more get married to be married now than i would ever have. The idea of being legally bound in a loveless dysfunctional situation would never last past my denial threshhold. Like a week to three months max, longer if kept doped up.

I've always believed that I'll probably get married someday. I'm pretty conventional, I guess, and I tend to date conventional chicks who want to get married. It might be irrational, but it just seems like the right way (for me! [though I think studies suggest for most people]) to raise a family. I'm pretty convinced I want to do that. (The sort of people who can afford to/have interest in participating on this site can live life in the pursuit of completely individual goals; I don't know if that's best for happiness/productivity/morality/singularity-hastening and/or whatever).

I choose to view marriage as choosing a person to work through life with, with whom to share experiences, thoughts, interests, plans, challenges and whatnot. Maybe if I lived by the dictates of my ego/inner child/purely assholic innermost self I'd reject marriage for pure hedonism or something, but my actually existing personality doesn't really seem too keen on that.

(I'm 30, male, hetero, never engaged, though I've been kinda close two or three times.)

I believe in the institution of marriage as it applies to getting presents, wearing expensive clothing, a party, having people be excited for you because you have a certain kind of ring on a certain finger, legal paperwork, raising children, and making parents happy.

I've known some people to be happy in partnerships for years without getting married and that's great for them. But for some reason, sometimes they do take that step. Sci-fi author Mike Ford and his partner come to mind, and it's a real good thing that he did get married because after he died, she was able to take care of his literary estate. (See the whole legal paperwork thing.)

For me, I'd like to get married, but I'm not so certain that it's the be-all, end-all for me right now.

(30, single, engaged to her first boyfriend for six years, string of failed het relationships beyond that, parents have been married for 38 years)

Being married feels like keeping an old car on the road.

It's hilarious that you should say that, as my mom compares men to cars all the time. When her girlfriends complain that heir husbands don't spontaniously shower them with flowers and sweep them off their feet, she says "So? You married a Volvo. He's safe, reliable and very practical." So I asked her what car my ex was, and she said "an Italian sports car, gorgeous, a great ride and high maintenence" which was so true I nearly died laughing. Apperently my current man is a Volkswagen van. Which is super, cuz I love them!

Oh yeah, I'm not sure I believe in the paper state of marriage anymore. I probably did once, was very keen on a partner for life and the sharing of success and failures but found no-one with the same ambitions/plans/goals. I guess we all grow/mature and change our ideals and ambitions along the way too, and when I found my perfect match, we both agreed that we were hitched for life and needed nothing but our own agreement on that to prove it - now I'm more fearing that a wedding would jinx it to be honest. Doesn't help that most people I know who got married also got divorced, and those who didn't stayed together.

The whole paperwork thing might push us to get married one day (just like his parents who married after a 23 year long engagement). Oh and there's always that akward "My uh.. boyfriend" thing in introductions. We've lived together for eight years and have a child, so we seem married enough to everyone else. ;)

Fascinating.

I'd like to add that my husband came from a messily broken home, and swore, knew, felt deeply that divorce was not for him (even though we are childless by choice). He told me after a few years that a factor in his taking the plunge and asking was that my parents, and my two married siblings never divorced. The other two never married. And they are all much older than me. So he felt somehow, that we got it, family history wise. Wich is probably true. No, it ain't perfect, but it's Important. It's a big deal. It's your marriage. I never saw, as a child, a throwing in of the towel in my family. I guess we're stubborn like that. Or realists.

Not that I think divorce is wrong at all, it's just an interesting combination of experiences, for the two of us.

I believe in marriage. Unfortunately, marriage doesn't believe in me.

I believe in my marriage to the mister. BUT if it hadn't been (almost) a requirement to move to Canada I don't know that we would be married. That little piece of paper, although it makes the legal stuff easy, doesn't make our relationship any stronger.

Before marrying the mister I didn't believe in it for myself. I'm the child of divorced parents. Mum had several relationships afterwards but none of them worked out. Most of my relatives who have been married have been divorced at least once. There was nothing in my past to tell me marriage was a good thing. I'm happy to be proven wrong.

I believe in marriage. When tugena13 and I tie the knot, she won't be compelled to testify against me, and plus we get to register for all sort of awesome presents. I mean, how else am I gonna get a standing mixer? I have arthritis, but I really don't think my health insurance would cover that.

All kidding aside (although I wasn't really kidding), marriage is not a golden ticket. You still have to work at the relationship, and if the commitment wasn't strong before, making it legal and difficult to get out of probably won't help.

Sin or Mixer? Sin or Mixer? I never have been able to decide which I prefer.

Works for me, but it all has to do with dynamic between any two people. Long term love &/or marriage is a lot like a somewhat fiendish jigsaw puzzle... one with hundreds of thousands of pieces that can fit together in multiple ways, and you just keep trying to get the picture to come out right. First you need to find the edges to get yourselves oriented, then you do the easy parts. After a while things get harder... it might seem to take forever to get that dark section over there finished, but you feel so happy once it's fitting together and you can move forward. Every little bit you solve keeps you motivated and interested - and when you're in the zone, things seem to come together like magic. The longer you work at it, the clearer the big picture becomes, and when you finally have a nice chunk of it all working and fitting so elegantly you feel confident that you will be able to manage the rest. Sometimes one of you works on it more, and sometimes the other one does.

Sometimes neither one of you is in any mood to mess with those fiddly little bits, and the picture remains static for a while. What happens now? Does it get put away and ultimately thrown out? Or does it draw you back in with new enthusiasm? Is one of you the sort to start a whole new puzzle every time the current one seems too difficult? Or is it one of those hopelessly messy sets with pieces missing and parts of other puzzles thrown in - and it's never going to come together no matter how long you work on it?

The best ones are often challenging but always rewarding - neither too boring nor miserably frustrating. Most importantly, they are ultimately fun and enjoyable - and that's why you go on trying to fit those pieces together.

okay, I just wanted to see how long I could draw that out. I could go on, oh yes I could. But I have chosen to spare you.

My views have changed considerably. I abhorred the very concept of marriage from when I was very young, and thought that all people who wanted to be married were weak, needing outside validation for their relationship, but I (beyond the bounds of church or state) was strong and perfectly capable of validating my own relationships, not like you weak people, thankyouverymuch.

That's not to say I rejected commitment, at all - I was perfectly prepared to have a ceremony to mark commitment, just as long as it wasn't something that could ever be construed as a legal marriage. I rejected seven proposals over the course of 11 years, and my longest cohabiting partnership was 8 years (18-26) - I just wasn't interested.

Until I met my current boyfriend. A few months after we met I woke up one morning, looked at him sleeping, and thought "I wanna be married to you some day". We talk about it as though it's a fait accompli, but now the logistics are a lot more complicated - we are eligible to be married in a major London historical landmark, but if we do that (and it would be trulyspecialawesome if we did) some of the Australian peeps won't be able to come, and if we get married in Australia many of our London friends won't be able to come, so Las Vegas or the registry office are looking mighty appealing, but then you do lose the ritual love feast aspect of it that does look like so much fun (king and queen for a day!). So who knows.

But yes, I have done a total 180 on marriage, and it took meeting someone I could actually imagine being married to (and a bit of growing up, I'm sure) to do so. I should also note that my parents were quite happily married until I was 21 (and twas religious differences that broke them up), so that wasn't a factor for me at all.

I have always admired marriage as a concept and definitely aspire to it myself. In fact I wish I had entered adulthood with a greater degree of comfort in stating that a strong, equal marriage with a committed partner was a goal of mine. It seemed that it was more encouraged to put on a breezy "if it happens, it happens" front, when really, I never felt that way. It was something I wanted.

I think it can become confusing to talk about - some people view marriage basically as a type of intimate relationship, others as a legal agreement, others as both and/or more (like, say, a spiritual obligation). So when we say "marriage" we're not even always talking about the same thing.

Legal marriage is a way to declare your intention to create a stable institution of two people within the broader society. I see it as very meaningful on both practical and symbolic levels.

The reasons the government needs to be involved are, I think, fair enough. Having a contract uniting two adult parties in what is intended to be a lifelong legal relationship is good for society.

I do think that the appropriate contract for the government to be legislating about is a civil union, though, not a 'marriage' per se. As far as I'm concerned, marriage can be left to people's personal religious views and handled separately. I think a civil contract should be available to everyone, and the government should leave marriage to religious and/or community institutions. But I do think we absolutely need some contract for these relationships.

A lot of things are decided in this one contract, which in its absence, have to be separate (and fee-based) legal actions: things such as who is assumed to be a guardian of any children in the absence of other legal direction; who can speak medically for you; who can enter into contracts with you; who can recieve inheritance, settlements, and health benefits offered by you; who can be held responsible for your debts; etc. Without some sort of legal contract, it would be impossible for hospital staff (for instance) to have a means by which to quickly settle family disputes about the treatment of an incapacitated person. It's such a contract that allows the state to require employers to let you share your benefits and use your family leave to care for the spouse. It gives people access to custody rights in the case of divorce, and without it, there are absolutely no such rights. It also establishes the people responsible for child support in such an event. It has come up in my jobs as a camp administrator, when parents who are married are assumed to be able to pull a child out of camp if need be, but if a parent does not have primary custody we were not able to release that child to the parent without permission from the custodial parent. That negotiation is much simpler when you understand the legal agreement between current spouses. So I don't think marriage is about the state in your bedroom; sexless marriages and open marriages are okay with the state. The state is not concerned with your sex life (in this case), it's concerned with who you designate as someone you agree to share a legal relationship and certain privileges and liabilities with. As such, it's an incredibly efficient way to package the rights and responsibilities you might want to give the closest partner in your life, and cuts right through a ton of legal red tape when it comes to important matters.

It is also possible to do this sort of rights/obligations assignment through an agreement like domestic partnership. So I think there are ways of broadening the nature of what is currently the marriage contract. But I can't imagine that having no such agreement to create families of intention would be good for a society. The only people it would be an unquestionable boon for would be lawyers, who would get piles of new work arbitrating who has access to what rights.

Apart from the legal advantages of marriage, I see the establishment of this relationship of intention as a very smart thing to do, in general, in order to improve the quality of one's life. I have no doubt that even if I never get married, I will have a fabulous life and enjoy it to the hilt. I still aspire to it, though, because of the way I think about it as a statement of committment and meaning to and from a close community, and the creation of an institution.

I've had a lot of friends in committed couples who choose not to "do the paperwork," and it's a choice I can certainly respect. At the same time, it's not the same as marriage. It's fine to say "we consider ourselves married," but important to realize that others probably don't consider them married. They have no legal connection and haven't asked for the sanction of their communities - I believe those are important things. If you want others to consider you married, then take part in some sanctioning that others are involved in. Marriage is a contract not just between two people, but between two people, their closest community, and the broader society, which states how they would like to be viewed and asks for that support. That, I think, is a lovely thing to do.

My parents met and married within three months, and this year will celebrate their 40th year together. Most of the marriages in my family have been very positive for both parties. There are a few exceptions. I don't think the institution of marriage is at fault for those exceptions. Most relationships don't work out, regardless of the legal status.

I do think it's pretty darned important to try not to enter into the contract if you have misgivings about the relationship, because it's not terribly easy to dissolve, and it hurts quite a bit, obviously. Breakups between the unmarried are usually private and personal, but breakups between married partners involve lawyers and stakeholders, meetings and negotiations, so there are many more witnesses to the demise of the union. Which I think adds a lot to the hardship.

My 2 cents.