Sorry to hear you're in a funk.
A few thoughts:
- activities that you like that you can do on your own? Go running, mountain-biking, fishing, dancing, hiking, ... More active is good since it keeps your thoughts from reflecting on being unhappy.
- initiative follows action; find a way to do things even if you don't feel like it. Afterwards you'll notice that some of the times you had fun.
That's really hard btw. You're already doing that a bit.
- activities where you don't have to drum everybody together; some sports club f.i.
- initiate a metafilter meetup perhaps?

The feeling sucks, I know.

Fishing sounds great, actually! It's horribly hot here, but I can handle it with enough water.

I've been searching the usual places to see what's going on, and I did come up with one cool place to go to today.

Also, I realized that I've apparently been feeling this way for quite a while.

It's funny, because I'm usually pretty content to be alone, but sometimes I realize that I could and would like to be connecting with other people more.

I'll keep plugging away!

Oh, and I've been to two metafilter meetups in the last couple of weeks. Those were kind of cool.

Off to research fishing licenses.

The fact that you know 23 people is a good sign!

You don't say where you live, or what your interests are. When I feel the way you do, which is often, I plunge into a big, thick, complicated historical biography or novel, one that requires almost studying it rather than reading it (wait, where was he again in 1923?). That way, during the mundane parts of the week I can go over in my mind what happened and how those events affects our lives today.

Yay fishing!

Oh, I know tons of people. It's just that they're always busy with other stuff.

jouke, do you know about fishing? I'll need to outfit myself, and now I know where to get a license. But I won't have a boat.

Hrm. As I'm researching this (What did we do pre-google? Just go buy a pole and head out?) I'm realizing that where I live is not ideal for catching fish. Head three hours east to the coast? Awesome resources. Or head into the mountains in the other direction, and whee! Trout! Where I live seems to have many issues with PCBs in the fish.

It's not going to stop me! But oh, crap. Heat advisory and 103ºF/39ºC just might. Crap.

(My interests are varied. I like cooking, gardening, farmer's markets, birding, hiking, crocheting)

No, I don't know a thing about fishing unfortunately. It was just general enthousiasm that it seemed like fun to you.
Maybe the fishing thing needs a bit more preparation.
Can you head into the mountains to find some coolness? Find a spot to rent a kayak and head into tree overgrown waters... In the mountains the heat might not deterr you from heading into the sun. I love sunny mountain climate.
Take some books and some nice things to eat & drink.

Hrm. There seem to be record-breaking temps in the mountains, too. And they're far away. Maybe I'll go to a movie.

I think you should do yoga in the park (you might not make it today, but maybe next weekend), find a cool recipe you have never made before, go to the farmer's market and go home and cook. Rent a movie or buy a new book.

I like jouke's idea of bringing a book and a picnic outdoors. Can you sit by a lake or a public pool? I know how it is when it is this hot, I must have water near me so I can take a dip when it becomes unbearable.

Ooooh. Just had a friend IM me and say that he and his girlfriend were going to a local state park to walk in the water. I'm OUT of here! YAY! YAY!!!!!

I'm going to see a movie alone today. Dark, cool, absurdly huge drink, popcorn... nice.

My life's like this a lot of the time. It's so hard to make new friends, and I seem to move every couple of years. I'm still struggling to make female friends after moving last year. (I actually lived here before but my friends from before aren't here now -- my closest girlfriend here moved away just last weekend!)

May I also add that I love you a little bit for including the temperature in Celsius. Very thoughtful!!

Yeah, the celsius thing was considerate.
Glad you found a fun thing to do.

Actually going to a movie tonight is not a bad idea loiseau. But I have stop reading on the couch and go clean up the house.

It seems that the moving a lot and losing friends is a problem that's rather typical for huge countries like the US & Canada.

When people move between cities in NL the distance is generally between 50 & 100 km. It's a tiny country. Strangely, people I know don't migrate for work within the EU (yet).

Here's an inspirational song for you, stewriffic.

*click*

I am far less likely to respond to a group invitation than I am to a personal one. Well, not less likely to respond, but less likely to go. If I see, oh look, Fred invited 23 people to this, then it's not like he wants to see me personally, he just wants to fill a chair, I got stuff to do. But if Fred called me and said, hey, TPS, want to go do XYZ tonight, I'd almost certainly say yes. Try being more focused with your invites- perhaps not building your invites about activities, but building activities around who you could invite to go.

You could always follow my father's advice when I had similar complaints of boredom/malaise: Patzin in tuchus en shry bravo! (Translation: Slap yourself in the ass and yell bravo!) Not bad advice, really. Boredom is kind of a luxury.

Maybe some volunteer work? Meaningful, and lots of human contact. I always felt better after.

Haa, I love that advice, pips!

OK. Just got back and I'll be content to spend the rest of the day in the nice, cool house. It's already 99º (38.2º C. Heh), and the river water was absolutely balmy. I probably lost a few pounds out there from sweat!

TPS: Yeah, that makes sense in a lot of ways. The close friends I have I already do that with. But the wider acquaintance set tends to do group things, so I sent it out to the group. BCC.

Pips: I actually have recently committed to a volunteering gig at a very cool community garden. I start on Friday. I'm psyched about it, I must say. I already work in non-profit, so

I've been a lot better about trying to take the initiative to go out and do things. Now that it's summer it's a lot easier for me to do so. But I must be a little scared to invite people to go with me, because I don't, unless I already know them pretty well.

Thanks y'all. I was kind of feeling sorry for myself. And I majorly appreciated the suggestions.

Um, someone didn't finish a sentence up there.

I already work in nonprofit, so the feel-good aspect most people get volunteering doesn't much motivate me. Cause that need is already filled, see? But I love gardening as an activity in general, so that's what my motivation is for this position.

Yay!

You know what? I've talked to more strangers and met more people spontaneously (as opposed to meeting in a specific social setting like party, etc.) in the last three weeks than I have in the last three years. Why? Da Dog. I walk the dog, and take her with me on errands - and all sorts of people come up and talk to us, which is unusual in Greece, where people just don't talk to strangers very much at all.

We have lots of outdoor cafes here, so we also take Sky with us when we go out for a beer or taverna lunch, and people talk to us then, too. She's a people-magnet.

Now, I know that if you have a busy work schedule, limited room, a cat, whatever, you might not want a dog (and it's a big commitment), but if you do like dogs, you might check with local shelters or rescue groups and see if they have any sort of volunteer programs for taking dogs out for a few hours (it looks like this place has something like that). If you are inclined that way, it's great fun and good exercise to walk a dog, and you will probably meet people along the way - both with the walking and people involved with the organization. I just found out that the group we got our dog from has 589 members on Facebook. I'm amazed.

on preview, I just read the thing with the gardening (yay), so this may not be something that you would be into, but I'll leave it as a thought for others anyway.

Well, maybe you suffer from my ailment, then. Maybe people just don't like you. Just do like I do. Don't like them back. ; )

SO! This is just such a crazy day. I went outside, and my next door neighbor (who's about my age, a great guy, and has a wonderful dog) invited me to a cookout at his place, with his new girlfriend and a couple others. Looks like it's shaping up to be the most social day that I've had in months.

Dogs: I LOVE them. Love. But I have an erratic schedule, don't make enough money to pay for a sitter, and I work 30 minutes from where I live. I will indeed get a dog at some point. I just don't know when. Durham APS looks like a good lead for volunteering. I'm deathly allergic to cats, though, so that will need to be taken into consideration.

OMG I just helped save a baby robin.

:)

But the wider acquaintance set tends to do group things, so I sent it out to the group. BCC.

That's totally the kind of invite I would to be likely turn down with little regret.

So, if it's an event that would appeal to all of your friends, and that you'd like to go to with people, but you don't mind who because you like them all, what do you think would be a more effective way to handle the invite?

I'm curious, because I didn't mean it to come off as "I just want a warm body" so much as "Hey, look what's going on, who's in?"

Wanna help me paint?

"Hey, look what's going on, who's in?"

That's not an invite, that's an ad. I get stuff like that all the time- NYC is pretty busy, there's always stuff going on with people I know, and I'm glad they keep me in the loop in case I have time to come. But an invite like that makes the event the main event, and I rarely meet up with friends that way. More often, it's, hey, you, I haven't seen you in awhile, let's do something, anything, I don't care what, I just need to see you. That's making the friendship the main event. You can't wait for people to reach out to you, you have to reach out to them.

if it's an event that would appeal to all of your friends

I can't think of any event that would fit this perimeter. Maybe I have picky friends.

That's not an invite, that's an ad.

Um, thanks?

Look, TPS, you're coming across as rather rude--implying that I'm socially inept and committing a faux pas by inviting people all at once. I'm not. *You* may be less likely to do something if it's a group invitation, but it's not that way with everyone. Among my circle of acquaintances, there are two discrete groups that go out together quite often. And, gasp!, they call/email a bunch of people and whoever can and wants to go does!

My close friends get me (and I get them!) one-on-one whenever we're both available. But they're not available very often, due to kids, partners, dissertations, opposite work schedules and/or extensive travel. And it doesn't matter what we do. Like you said, with close friends it's about the friendship, not the event. As often as not, I'm weeding a garden, getting a pedicure or grocery shopping with my close friends.

I just feel like I need more people I want to spend that one-on-one time with. To do that I need to spend more time out.

Anyway, thanks everyone. I've gotten some great ideas from y'all, and more importantly, maybe, support. Much obliged!

I'm not trying to be rude, dear. You asked for advice and I'm giving it to you.

It's not the content, dear*. It's the tone. I agree with you 100% about doing things one-on-one with your friends. And I sincerely do appreciate your weighing in. It's just that some of the ways you chose to talk about it rubbed me the wrong way. It might be the NYC/non-NYC culture clash.

*for example.

Didn't mean to be rude, just meant to help you with the problem you asked for advice on. If my advice is useless, feel free to ignore it. I was just trying to help you, so I take offense to you calling me out publicly like this.

I'm also probably a bit sensitive as well, considering that last bit of depression I'm having a hard time kicking. So. There's that.


Oh, on preview. I'm sorry. I don't usually stand up for myself at all, and I've never, ever called anyone out before today. Like I said, I do truly appreciate your input. I'm sure you didn't mean to be rude, but I did perceive it that way, which is why I said something. I almost always operate from the "assume goodwill" attitude, but that didn't happen this time. I should have emailed you, but it didn't even occur to me. I am sorry.

A principle I've been observing: the more often I respond to an off-the-cuff invitation with "Yes! That sounds fun!" the more often friends and acquaintances seem to think "Hey, Elsa loves doing stuff! Let's invite her!"

A few minutes ago, The Fella called to say Person X had invited us to Event Y --- not especially exciting, and it would be a lot easier to just loll around at home, but I pointed out that we are free, and we like Person X and we kinda like Event Y, and what the heck! Let's go!

I'll admit that I, too, am more likely to decline an invitation if it is a large group (say, over two dozen people) invited to a large, casual event. It's a very different thing than having one-on-one (or even three-on-three) time with a friend, and when I get an invitation like that, I usually feel that I'm easily expendable from such a diffuse group, so why go?

Yeah, it's dumb logic (at least for me), since the last time I felt that way it was a Mefi meetup, and I went anyway, and had a great time.

I am sorry, too. Let's be friends! ::dog smoochies*::

*Nothing in the world like a smoochie from a big slobbering boxer.

Friends!
I love dog smoochies. Boxer licks often give me welts though. I don't care though. I'll just wash off the saliva and that should be good.

OK, I'm clearly very sensitive tonight, because this misunderstanding/event has made me full-on cry. I hate offending people. Which is why I don't usually say anything, often to my detriment. Lordy lordy this has been a mood-swingy day. I wonder if it's partly hormonal? (possible TMI alert:) I don't physically get my period anymore (yay Mirena!), but that doesn't take away the emotional turmoil. Hopefully my meltdown will pass soon.


Ooooh. I'm hearing a Barred Owl. That's cool. And I saved a baby robin today that looked pretty much like this one. It had fallen from its nest, and its brother had already dies. I fed it worms from my wormbin. It gobbled them up, poor thing. Then my neighbor and I put it back in its nest. Ooooh. Nonsequitor.

Elsa: Yeah, I think it does make it easier to turn someone down if it's a big group thing. Lord knows I do that more often than I should, despite rarely having plans. I wasn't offended by the people who didn't respond, and I didn't take it personally at all. Most did answer, but they were all busy. So yeah.

Anyhoo...I think it's time for some Benadryl.

Stewriffic, I could have written your initial post three years ago. It was so bad that I set myself a formal resolution to Go Out! to something, anything, that wasn't related to work, school, or sustenance, or anything at all that I did with a friend. Hell, I went grocery shopping with friends, if that's what we had time to do. It was fun!

Yesterday I made an effort...

The second one I *forced* myself to go to...

Yay! This is the key to getting out of the rut, in my view!

I want to make another effort today, but it all seems so...futile.

And this is the deathknell, though totally understandable.

I was badly reclusive, worn out from work and school, and I wanted to change. I started with a goal of once a week for two hours. I called it Minimum MinglingTM, and I reported weekly to a friend who lives overseas. Yes, it was this dire: I needed to report to someone. Make all the fun you like of Minimum MinglingTM, but it worked! It worked so well that I even met The Fella, and after we moved in together a couple of years later, we promptly stopped going out. Duh. We're now trying to jumpstart our social lives, which has been gratifyingly easy, once our friends clued in that we were giving up our hermitage.

The other key, and I do know it's hard: Don't get discouraged. If one event (or one day, or one evening) isn't a ton of fun, maybe the next one will be! If a friend declines one invitation, maybe there's another time or outing that they'd like! Most of the time, it's not personal, it's just poor timing. I make frequent, low-key invitations so people can accept when it's convenient.

I'm more convinced than ever that this is mostly lingering depression exacerbated by hormones. It will pass. It always does.

Elsa, thanks. I love the idea of Minimum MinglingTM. The thing is, I'm open, personable, make small talk easily, interesting, kind-natured, and other really good things. People who know me are baffled that I'm having a hard time meeting people. I hit it off incredibly well with my new psychiatrist/PA* when I met him for the first time last week. I was talking about him with this very issue, and we both lamented that he was my provider and it would be inappropriate to hang out.

So, what activities did you do for Minimum MinglingTM? I do a lot of work-related mingling, but haven't met anyone in a long time that I'd actually hang out with. I'm hoping my new volunteering gig will help.


*The real psychiatrist has had to employ help. I still see him, too, but for basic 'how're your meds' checks I've been seeing his PA. And the PA is new.

I'm open, personable, make small talk easily, interesting, kind-natured, and other really good things. People who know me are baffled that I'm having a hard time meeting people.


and gosh darnit, people like me

No crying, please! Not allowed. Please sit down, rest, and have a cocktail with us- we're making mimosas with pineapple juice. We're calling them Pinosas.

Hmm. Good idea. I have caipirinha makings. Or mojitos. I think I'll go for the mojito tonight.

I think all the stuff between my bones is disappearing. I just rattle around like a bunch of tootpicks in a coffee can.

Next time I play a gig, I'm leaving my tambourine at home and bringing jonmc. Rattle rattle, rattle rattle.

Pinosas? Not champigne [silent g]? As in "Would you like a glass of champigne?" Either way, I know what I'm doing with that stray bottle of champagne in the fridge, later this week. Mmmmm, champigne.

So, what activities did you do for Minimum MinglingTM?

Okay, this will be long, but could be summed up with the phrase "Seriously, anything." There was only one serious rule: if I was alone, it could not be directly related to work, school, or sustenance. If I was with a friend or acquaintance, anything at all counted, so long as it was not required by our mutual work or coursework. Thus:
- a writer's talk at the library counted; a writer's talk that my prof required us to attend did not.
- a trip to the farmers' market counted only if I was with someone else.
- an afternoon at the beadshop, sitting around the table with other beaders and making earrings.
- bringing dinner to a friend's house.
- a solo stroll through the museum counted, or spending the evening doing my community's First Friday art walk. (The local galleries and museums have an open-door night for the first Friday of every month, and most have wine and nibblies. If your community has something like that, it's a great low-pressure way to get out and socialize.)
- I often enveigled classmate/friends off-campus for lunch, even if it was just walking to the grocery with the decent salad bar and eating in the park between classes. Basic sustenance counts, if you're with someone else!
- a political rally.
- to hear a local musician at a bar or a coffeehouse.
- the director-led discussion in the theater after a play, or at the local library.
- book groups or community meetings at the library.
Of course, I'm A) a student [but I'm both older and unnecessarily intense, which nullifies most of the social aspects of studenthood] and B) a huge nerd, so my list probably has a higher nerd factor than yours would.

Some things I never got around to doing, but considered:
- joining the local Slow Food group.
- joining a writer's group.
- joining a community garden. (This sounds so rewarding; are you enjoying it, Stewriffic?)
- working at the soup kitchen/resource center.

Some things that we've doing lately to get out of our rut (though we haven't formally signed on to Minimum MinglingTM, any of these would count):
- a group outing to a minor league ballgame a few days ago, with drinks and snacks at our place first. Heck, the tickets were cheaper than movie tickets! And we saw several people we knew once we got there.
- this week, we're going to a pub with friends to watch, uh, some soccer game. I don't know from soccer [football], but I like pub food!
- I suggested The Fella and I rent the Star Wars trilogy, the originals. He, being a freaking genius, suggested we invite some friends over to watch with us. I am making cinnamon buns so we can hold 'em up to our heads. Awesome.
- A friend and I have contemplated recurring lunch dates, e.g., the second Thursday of the month, so we'll just confirm time and place each month.

Metafilter meet-ups are great for this kind of thing, low-pressure and usually unstructured. Kudos to you for going to two recently!

At the risk of getting blasted, maybe it's more a matter of being comfortable with yourself, stewriffic, than spending more time with others. Sounds like you already have a pretty full schedule with work and friends, even "close friends," as you say, which sadly is more than I can say (I like your advice, pinky, about not waiting for others to reach out to you, but taking the initiative and reaching out to them -- I could use that advice myself, shy as I am sometimes). But no amount of people-time can make you okay with yourself.

Of course, you're probably gonna say you are okay with yourself, so okay then.

(it's true... jon's all brittle like week-old chicken bones)

My point is really pretty simple, though you'd never know it from the length of my comments: going out is often better than staying in, or staying in with a friend is often better than staying in alone.

It didn't matter much what I did, so long as I got out and (in the words of someone else's mother) "let the wind blow the stink off ya." Just get out of my own contained little space, do something out in the world, or conversely invite someone into my little world.

I just set myself a requirement, and I filled it. That meant that sometimes by the end of a busy week, I would be scouring the local events calendar trying to find something great, settle for something that sounded stupid... and get there to find a friend was there, too.

Or go out to the coffeehouse hoping that there would be an unadvertised band or gallery showing, or hoping to find an event posted on the billboard... only to discover That Cute Guy (who later became The Fella) was there, and we'd chat for a while.

Or walk over to the grocery store with a friend because it's what she was doing, and I might as well fill my quota, and leave with delicious cheese I'd never heard of until she pointed it out and a bellyache because we'd laughed ourselves silly over the display of tinned beef stew.

Or agree to show a friend's out-of-town friend around the waterfront, only to realize how beautiful my town is all over again.

What I'm saying is It didn't matter what I did. I just did it.

on preview: Pips, that's an interesting distinction. What you say is totally sensible and rational, and it could certainly be the case. But wanting to stop spending "90% of [her] time alone" is different from the fear of spending some time alone. Only she is in a position to knopw which of those applies.

Well, I'm going to bed. I think I'll avoid these depression threads for awhile. I keep forgetting the flip-side of depression is anger.

All the best.

Pips, for the record, that was me (Elsa. Hi!) who responded, not Stewriffic, and all I said to you was that your suggestion was totally sensible, and that only she could know the usefulness of your remark. If that offends you, I'm puzzled but genuinely sorry. I hope you'll tell me what was angry in that remark, because I earnestly don't see it.

I also am going to bed. As you say, all the best.

Do some volunteer work. You'll meet people with the same passions you have.

After reading all the comments, I do think that everyone here has been great - but, as we know, it's often difficult to convey tone. I think TPS just wanted to emphasize that Stewie definitely shouldn't feel that 23 people considered spending time with her and then said, "nah." And Pips seemed to be responding to that bit of misunderstanding between Stewie and TPS, I think? But that was totally settled with hugs and Pinosas. Which, like BitterOldPunk's tuna melt yesterday, I now DO WANT.

Yah. Total mess. Woo. Sorry 'bout that.

Everyone is okay - no worries, Stewriffic.