MetaChat - My 18 year old stepdaughter moved out..

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26 May 2008

My 18 year old stepdaughter moved out.. →[More:]She was caught in yet another lie, and continued to give us grief!! She graduates high school next month (though she still has a year of cosmetolgy vo tech to attend) and asked for a trip to Texas with her best friend. They were going to vist a family friend of Ashley's (her best friend) who moved down there. We thought it would be fun for her, and bought tickets. Fast forward a week. Ashley's mom stopped by; the family they were going to see still live here in Jersey; turns out that Ashley thinks she's in love with a 15 year old girl she met over the internet, and wanted to go to Texas to meet her. Our rocket-scientist Brittney was supposedly going to stay with a guy friend "who used to live here", though I find that doubtful, and his family. Not to mention that both of these bubbleheads are 18, and if Ashley has any contact with a 15 year old, it's child endangerment at the least. No remorse from Britt; she gives us attitude and STILL expected to go to Texas!!!!! She doesn't get it that lies don't get rewards. Then she informed us that neither one of them was planning to come back. I'm guessing they were planning on mooching off people down there. Combined, they have a brain the size of a grape. Neither one has a driver's license; Britt has no ambition. We asked her what about vocational school..she actually said she figured she would transfer to a votech down there!!!!!!! We told her to cut the attitude; if she couldn't, well, then maybe she'd be better off elsewhere. So she said fine, packed her stuff, called a friend, and was gone in two hours. The complete lack of remorse floors me. Especially when she rolled her eyes after her father told her she was breaking his heart. And if he gets sick because of this...I will never, NEVER be able to forgive her. I don't get it. She has everything she needs, we don't ask much but getting her to help out around here is like pulling teeth. She is only nice when she wants something, otherwise she comes at us on the offensive. And the worst part is that I think she's like her mom (whom I've never met) in that she's a pathological liar, and forms no attatchments to anyone. She is, at least, going to finish school; she told her brother that she'd see him there. Of course, she told him we kicked her out - I'm quite sure that's the story she's telling the family of the girl she went to stay with, too. Her brother knows better; he even said she needs to grow up. It's like she's 18 going on 13. Maybe this will help her, I don't know. All I know is that I could spit nails at this point. I'm so sick of being used and disrespected, and watching her disrespect her father. And anyone who hurts him this much, is very low on my list.

Sorry for the rant, guys. I needed to get this out.

post by: redvixen at: 15:31 | 12 comments

I'm so sorry, redvixen.

But at 18 she's old enough to accept the consequences of the choices she's making. Sometimes people have to make a lot of bad choices before they realise there are better options available to them.

posted by essexjan 26 May | 15:42

Bleh, that is such bull, redvixen. My friend's brother was very much the same way growing up, and it was terrible to watch his parents have to deal with it for years. I'm sorry you have to put up with the same thing.
And yeah, hopefully essexjan is right. Good luck with all of this. :/

posted by CitrusFreak12 26 May | 15:52

Wow, red, I'm sorry you have all this to deal with. As the dad of less then perfect sons I can understand how vexing this is (although I've never had to deal with anything at this level).

She graduates high school next month (though she still has a year of cosmetolgy vo tech to attend)... We asked her what about vocational school..she actually said she figured she would transfer to a votech down there!!!!!!!

Ummmm... in Texas, there is no public-school vo-tech training after high school graduation, with the exception of documented special needs kids. So once she's graduated high school, the only way to get more cosmetology training is through a community college (which requires a minimum one year of residency), or a private cosmetology school. Either way, she has to pay for it.

On the plus side, if she can find someone to stay with, Texas is actually enjoying record-low unemployment, so she should have a decent shot at landing a job.

The complete lack of remorse floors me. Especially when she rolled her eyes after her father told her she was breaking his heart.

That's teenagers. If there is a confrontation, they will do everything they can to hide any weakness.

The problem is (and I'm facing some of the same things) trying to know how to best help your kid when they don't follow the path you've pictured. Just because it's not the path you want for her, doesn't mean it's not for the best. You want to protect her from the cruel world that's out there, but maybe a taste of that world is what she needs to understand what it means to be part of a family.

At this point it sounds like she's set on going, but try to keep the lines of communication going.

And good luck.

posted by Doohickie 26 May | 16:10

Sorry, honey... It sounds like a lot of pain and worry you really don't need right now. From the sound of things, though, I wouldn't be surprised if she was back very soon. If she's staying with a friend, the novelty will wear off fairly quickly, and they will both be stuck dealing with the everyday minutiae of life and coping with living with another human being with their own set of issues. If she's not doing well hacking that in a sweet spot like home, it's not going to be a walk in the park living with someone who won't, eventually, make so many concessions and put her happiness as a such a high priority.

I hope it all works out for the best, but you two try not to worry too much. Eighteen is old enough, if she's really committed to living on her own - but it seems unlikely that she will be that enamored with the reality of it.

posted by taz 26 May | 16:14

(((redvixen)))

Moving out is probably the best thing for her. She's going to find out being an adult isn't as easy as it looks.

posted by deborah 26 May | 16:39

Thanks, everyone. I think it'll wear off, too. Her best friend Ashley (who comes from a really screwed up family) left but went back after three weeks. I think a dose of reality is just what she needs. And frankly, I don't want her back until she changes her attitude. Heck, if she was clear about any direction she wants to take, that would be fine. But she just seems to be intent on drifting along, waiting for someone else to do stuff for her. We asked her if she wasn't serious about the cosmetology it was fine; we all change our minds here and there. Her answer is that she'll "stick it out", which to me doesn't even sound as if she likes it.

Doohickie, that whole thing about "transfer" killed me. She just threw it out there; it's not like she checked anything out. It's part of how naive she is; she assumes she knows everything without even looking into things. She'll be in for a shock trying to live on her own, or with someone else.

posted by redvixen 26 May | 16:40

Yeah, Texas is not the best welfare state. Let's just leave it at that.

posted by Doohickie 26 May | 16:43

18 is time to learn, she will learn.

posted by Meatbomb 26 May | 19:09

I am sorry for your husband . . .I hope that he makes it through. My daughter is 18 and has been through a lot, including a period where she was into cutting, and it was really hard for me.

She is still an asshole in a lot of respects but I don't worry about her as much. Just support him and listen to him, but I am sure you are doing that.

((hug))

posted by danf 26 May | 21:45

I suspect she'll want/need to come home, too. But, of course, the question remains, What then?

I saw this guy on Dr. Phil (I know, I know, but he's pretty smart about things sometimes), and I saw him work with some families, and he seemed to have some really good suggestions for building better communication in families. Maybe check out his book? Vhat could it hurt? as my people say.

Also, I wonder if her dad's (this is your husband's biological daughter, I assume?) illness could be affecting her emotionally in ways she might not admit or even be aware of. The whole "escape to Texas" thing rings of that. It was really hard for me when my father was sick, and I was much older.

Mind you, I don't have children of my own, so my "advice" only goes so far. All the best, though...

posted by Pips 26 May | 21:59

I feel for you both. I have had no contact with my eldest daughter for coming up on four years (since she was 18) because of disagreements along the same lines as you are going through. I can't see that changing in the foreseeable future, which is really sad, but she has made her choices.

Sometimes, the best way to be a good parent is to not be there for them and let them learn the hard lessons by themselves if that is the only way. Better that than wrap them in cotton wool and protect them from life for so long that they never really grow up.

Good luck.

posted by dg 26 May | 22:26

Oh, redvixen. How hard that must be, for both of you in different ways. Many hugs to you both.

I was an absolute hellion as a teen (and well into my 20s). Dropped out at 16, moved out on my own at 17 (with a guy, no less), didn't talk to my dad much until I was almost 30. That's the abridged version. Much worse went on in the meantime. Granted, to some extent my parents did suck at it (no, seriously, but in ways I won't go into now), so it sounds like a different situation from yours. Still, it's funny: my dad would call me every week no matter what for years, and the conversation would start with "Hi" "Hi, it's Dad. You still hate me?" "Yeah" "Okay. How're you doing?" We sorted our problems out (mostly) eventually, and have a fantastic relationship now. I may not be the career goddess I briefly toyed with being, but I'm a person my parents can be (and are) proud of. It was a long, hard row to hoe for all of us, but it did work out. I hope your journey with her is less strenuous and the hard part is shorter, but even the worst of us can turn out okay in the end, and sometimes kids need to learn the hard way.

posted by elizard 27 May | 00:26

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