That's too bad, yg44. Open houses like yours (and like mine once was on occasion) are a great institution, but so frequently get ruined by people pushing it too far. It sounds like you're pretty close with this friend, though. Is there any way you can talk to him about it, maybe explain that you need time alone with your guy (which is completely understandable) and/or offer to help out in a way that is less intrusive for you? Because you're right: if this resentment builds, it probably will ruin the friendship (which you might also be able to mention diplomatically--'I wanted to say something now, before it becomes a festering boil on the backside of our friendship and needs to be lanced with a red-hot needle.') Best of luck. These situations are such a minefield.

Make a bikini out of this stuff.

Just write an email that you and SO are really busy on $EXCITINGNEWPROJECT for the next, say, three months and probably won't be around much, send it to him in BCC format so it seems like it's going to the rest of your friends, and institute a longer response time for his texts and calls. Maybe warn him next time you see him that this project is happening verbally, if that's better.

Next time he grabs a beer ask if he's going to chip in for more. Suggest bars and maybe going out somewhere with him to be around other people and ask how the job search is going. If nothing else, he might get that he's being a mooch without giving anything in return, and it might curb him some.
A little prodding into what else he's doing might help him along, into figuring out the obvious or moving his life along, socially and otherwise.

Oye. Yes, we've had this problem in the past (before I became The Velvet Fist).

I wish there was a simple way to deal with it, but honestly I don't think that it can be resolved without the person who is bothered by it the most becoming something of a bad guy. The simplest and easiest thing to do is to tell him that you guys need some alone time, and you'd like him to call before coming over. And if he calls, and you let him come over, ask him to pick up some beers/take-out on his way.

But if you can't do that, the more time-consuming and ultimately more painful way is to train him that the "Open House" sign has been turned off. It begins like this: the next time he shows up at the door, tell him you are getting ready to take a nap (or something), but if he's going to be somewhere, maybe you guys can meet up with him there in an hour or two. Next time he comes, ask him to go out and bring back something - wine (if you have beer), beer (if you have wine), bread, dessert, something; there's always something you don't have. The time after that, when he shows up at the door, tell him you two were just getting ready to leave (for a baby shower - he won't want to try to tag along), and maybe you'll see him near the end of the week.

This ought to do it, but if it doesn't, step it up. Turn him away without a specific excuse, "Sorry, just not feeling up for company tonight; why don't you give us a call tomorrow?" Every single time he shows up (that you let him in) without bringing something to contribute or offering to cook, send him out to pick up something, but make it stuff for the house - not even stuff you'll be eating/drinking together - toilet paper, dish soap or garbage bags. Never make it a simple and cozy proposition for him to be at your place IF uninvited or without calling. Never let him hang out without contributing unless you've specifically asked him to come for a meal, drinks, whatever. Ask "are you going to get the dishes?"; enlist him to help move boxes or take down curtains you want to wash, or something. He's gotta work!

He should totally get it sooner than that. If he doesn't, you'll have to have The Talk. Good luck!

Just tell him. It's the hardest thing to do, but if he's your friend, he'll understand. A simple "We love seeing you & hanging out with you, but 6 times a week is a bit much." should be enough. The fact that your husband isn't as bothered about this may be an issue & you'll need to get him on board.

Plus, you need to train him to start bringing stuff. It's not on if he doesn't contribute. I understand that he's unemployed, and he won't be able to contribute as much, but he needs to bring something. If I were you, I'd stop buying extra and make it so the three of you have to make do with what is there. At the very least he needs to supply the alcohol.

One thought: Does he actually have enough money to eat & does he have somewhere to live? He may be abusing your hospitality because he's in some kind of trouble.

Anyway - Honesty is the best policy here. You need to tell him. If your friendship can't cope with frankness, then it isn't the friendship that your hospitality implies.

I'm taking Taz's suggestions and giving them to my sister-in-law and brother-in-law. They have the same problem with a friend. My SIL says it's like having another kid (the guy is rather immature for a man in his mid-thirties). Heck, the day my in-laws had their second child, this guy (call him Kahuna) called my BIL, and asked if he'd like to hang out that night. HELLO?! They JUST had a BABY. Kahuna's reasoning? My SIL and the baby would be in the hospital anyway....

It's gotten to the point that my in-laws are having marital problems because she's tired of coming home from work (she works later than he; she's a hair stylist) and finding Kahuna parked on the couch. He has actually made dinner on occasion, but that's rare.