I don't know that I would define the questions you listed as open-ended. "What do you drive?" and "How often do you have these parties?" are pretty straightforward questions, with defined, factual answers. To really start a conversation, you have to get at a person's individual thoughts and feelings. After questions like those, you have to keep the conversation moving with another question. For example, after ACE answered the question about the car, you needed to go forward with, "And how do you like driving that?" or "Ooo, a Lexus, does it make you feel fancy?" or something. "They have these parties once a year." "Oh, really, are they always this boring/fun/alcohol-free?" Vague questions like "What's new?" and "How's X going?", the same- you have to carry the ball forward. If the answer to "What's new?" is "Nothing", ask forward- what is going on with you this summer, Christmas, are you looking forward to this TV show, that concert you mentioned, etc.

I'm not a cute engineer but I think I know why I might answer your questions in the same way they do.

Very often I assume that everyone's as busy as I am and they just don't have time or aren't interested in what I'm doing - so I tend to give one word answers.

Try a follow up question, or at least one that requires an opinion instead of a single word answer (What's the deal with project x? Project x sounds like a great opportunity to do activity y - how's that working out for you? I heard project x is a stinking piece of shit etc).

TPS, you raise some excellent ideas, but you say, "you need to keep the conversation moving..." *sigh* How come I'm the one who has to keep it moving? I'm not good at this stuff either!! (rhetorical question) *grump*

I don't think that there's anything particularly wrong with your questions, it's that you're talking to engineers. We don't do the small talk stuff well.

TPS has good advice. But also - and especially when talking with engineers - sometimes it's really not you.

For what it's worth, I know a few very chatty and charming engineers, but they're definitely the exceptions. I don't think it's just you.

TPS has it. The trend here seems to be that the THUNK is happening on your end of the conversation. Here are some tips:

Me: What's new with you?
CE: nuthin.
Me: That's a lie! You've (lost weight, changed your hair, are rockin' sweet shoes)!

Me: what do you drive?
ACE: A Lexus.
Me: Wow! How do you like it?

Me: So, how often do they have these things?
YACE: about once a year.
Me: Are they always this (lame, fun, loud, drunken, quiet)?

The physical cues are pretty critical here, too: did the "ok" seem despondent? Cautious? Reserved but optimistic? Go that way with your questions, trying to bring it somewhere positive:

(Despondent): Yeah, I heard that thing was going to be a bear. Any light at the end of the tunnel?
(Cautious): Oh, good! It's going to be so great, right?
(Reserved but optimistic): You seem excited! Y'all are firing on all cylinders, huh?

Let exclamation points be your guide. Also, don't be afraid to use the nonsense question "really?" and just straight-up wait for an answer with an expectant look. I deal with a lot of tech folk, and sometimes an enthusiastic "That's awesome! How's that work?" draws out the chatterbox. You just need to flash a sign that says, "Tell me about you!"

My dad is an engineer and he would answer those questions in the same manner. I don't think it's just you either.

Octothorpe, Miko, Treepour: Ok, so it's the engineers. But some of the other (uglier, etc.) engineers are married! How did they do it?! Was their proposal just a bunch of mumbling?

Great advice from all so far, thank you!

My dad and mom got married on a whim (seriously, it's pretty sad, in a way) and it just kinda stuck. Like a business arraignment. Only with 2 kids. And a house.

...


Maybe he's not the best example.

Hey, I'm an engineer, and I'm getting married! Our proposal was rather no-nonsense, so yeah.

In my experience, noncomittal, one-word answers can be a sign that they're not interested, or it could be a sign that they're too interested and trying to play it cool. I know that's not really helpful, but that's the way it is.

Really, small talk isn't the way to go in these situations. As much as I hate it, "So, what do you do?" is the best question, or if you work together, "How's project X going?". If they say, "You wouldn't understand," then they're an asshole and a bad engineer. Let them talk about their work. Apply what you hear to what you've read in the papers, or your own work, or whatever. If you have mutual acquaintances, then gossip about them (men claim they don't gossip, but engineers love to talk about coworkers and coworker's projects behind their back, which is what I call gossip). Every engineer has anecdotes about Manager Y or Client X, or Project Z.

Basically, it's about reeling them in with information that they would be interested in.

Your open ended questions may be a little too open ended. In such cases, it can be too easy to just close the conversation down. You may want to check out "Conversationally Speaking" by Garner. But the caveat is that the book did me little good, because I am beyond help in such matters.

This is only tangentially related, but I really don't understand how romantic connections get made at work, at all. It's bewildering enough in a bar or at a party, where such connections are SUPPOSED to happen.

Small talk doesn't occur when neither party knows how to do small talk. It's worth knowing that. If the conversation can't start or is stalling then the other person is either as bad as you or (rarely) they don't want to talk to you.

Anyway, my patented seanyboy only replacement for the small-talk I don't know how to make works a little like this:

- small talk is a prelude. It's a way of finding out what things you have in common with someone else and steering the conversation towards that. You can do this in two ways... You can guess at what the other person finds interesting or you can tell them what you find interesting and leave big enough gaps for them to interject when they have something to interject.

- There's nothing wrong with a formula. Remember that Ask Metafilter about professions and the stupid cliched things people say... Don't worry about it. Say the thing. If you ask someone if they take children off families and they put you right, then you've made conversation.

- There's nothing wrong with a Formula Pt 2. If you're interested in sport, ask them which team they support. Tell them what good books or films or TV programs you've seen recently. If you're a Brit, moan about the weather.

- Interesting facts. If I start getting stuck, I'll tell the other person the interesting thing I'm thinking about. If it interests them too, you'll have a conversation going. If not, then there's always something else to try. So, for example, I'll be asking strangers about how they do small talk and I'll be telling them about this thread.

- Remember. You're looking for something that you both can talk about. If it bores you, move subtly onto something more interesting. e.g. I had this conversation recently with regard to football. Someone started talking to me about football, and I told them that I'd completely lost touch with the subject & I'd have to hand my man-status back in because I wasn't that interested. This gave the other person room to talk about the things they'd drifted out of that were considered macho.

- Honesty. Try telling someone that you can't do small talk & you're sorry about that & they'll light up. "Me too.". Remember that if you're struggling to have a conversation, then it's because they're struggling too.

- Avoid repetition. If you try and hit the same person with the same small talk gambit more than once, then you deserve not to be talked to.

- Avoid repetition. If you try and hit the same person with the same small talk gambit more than once, then you deserve not to be talked to.

- Movement. If you try one thing and you get nothing back, then change tack and try something else. Different people like to talk about different things. It's your job to try and find out what those things are.

- Be brave. If you say nothing or you say little, or you just look terrified, then the conversation is going to dry up.

- Pay it forward. If you're introducing friends, then introduce them to each other and tell each something about the other that you think they'll find interesting. That won't help you, but it'll help your friends not fall into the conversational dead-zone.

- Sometimes, however nice they are, you're not going to get on with someone. Don't worry. It's the way of the world. You know those evil people you like even though you shouldn't. There are also people you should like, but you can't. It's the way of things and not to be worried about.

Anyway - That's how I do it. I'm not saying this works all the time, or that it's the right way, but it's a conscious and probably imperfect distillation of the techniques I use.

*gosh* That's a long comment. Sorry everyone.

Agreed with the above: The key is picking up the THUNK and taking it to another question. Don't let the short reply thwart you!

One thing I try to do is throw out statements that have lots of "entry points," for lack of a better word. "I saw a silly article in the New York Times about this totally fascinating process by which authors have to conduct book tours" or something like that. Now you've got a few things your conversational partner can grab -- articles in the Times, silly articles in general, why that particular article was silly, why the process is fascinating, what the process is, book tours in general, authors in general, and probably a few more I'm missing.

And I try to look for those "entry points" in other people's statements, even if they're not necessarily the main content of what the person is saying.

And really, I find that big weird "entry-point - laden" statements, followed by big weird silly stories, tend to work better as "small talk" with people who are quieter. It lets them react rather than putting them on the spot, and at the very least it lets them laugh at me rather than feeling like they're on the spot. :-)

On the other hand, I come from a family of people who tell extremely hyperbolic stories, generally with much waving of the hands, so what feels natural for me may not apply to everyone. But if you feel you're crashing and burning with the questions, try telling stories about yourself instead (just make sure you're giving people room to react or tell their own stories, too).

I have this problem too, except that the problem really is me. I just don't get the "art of conversation" thing at all. I am constantly nagged by Her Indoors to talk more when we are with other people, but I just suck at conversation. I can talk your ear off if I am interested enough but, otherwise, I just can't make it work. I tend to blame the fact that I have to talk to people all day at work and just want some peace at home, but that never flies (rightly so, too).

(This is how I feel at metafilter meetups.)

MuddDude's the same way, dg. It's not that he's not having a good time, it's just that he's got a much smaller interest set than everyone else, and it doesn't really intersect with the interests that other people might have. Also, I tend to be a bit more outgoing than him (which is shocking, since I consider myself to be super-shy), so sometimes I tend to talk for him.

I try to let him have one-on-one or small-group time with our mutual friends, so that they can interact without me. And now that we go to parties where there are *gasp* married couples, it's a bit easier, as it's rather conventional for the women and men to segregate a bit.

Uhm, you need to speak geek. Me and my father speak geek but not my mother which was always a friction in the household. Ask my dad "Would you mind helping me in with the groceries?" and you'd be met with a "Yes" because yeah, duh, he'd rather not want to so that's the honest answer. The only way to do it was to order him:Help me in with the groceries! "Oh..Okay.." and I seem to have selectivly inherited the same trait. I'm not that bad but sometimes I hear my man say "aha, geek mode" which means I just answered a questions in a seriously binary way.

seanyboy's got it. Maybe a long comment but it's all well worth reading

dg: I am constantly nagged by Her Indoors to talk more when we are with other people, but I just suck at conversation.

dg, I used to constantly have this problem with my x. He nagged me all the time about what a "terribly antisocial" person I was. His friends and my x-laws (outlaws?) constantly told him what a terribly bitchy, cold, etc... person I was. Turns out we just didn't relate well (shockers!) - they're a bunch of loud, shallow extroverts who care deeply about truly trivial (to me) matters. Problem with this was, the more they all hassled me about it, the more clammed-up and resentful I was, and the bitchier I got about being harrassed about it. Endless downward spiral, rinse, repeat. Not saying your situation is hopeless, mind. Just that I sympathise, for what it's worth.

Funnily enough, with the mister and his/my/our current crop of friends (and his relatives) I have no trouble getting along. We happen to all be fairly bright, somewhat nerdy introverts, which helps, because we all need the same "whitespace" silences to regroup within conversations. It's not unusual at family or coffeehouse gatherings for several of us to be reading the paper/surfing the web while a couple others chat quietly or play cards. And, what I've discovered is that I truly DON'T suck at conversation, or relationships, or any of it. I'm just not happy nattering on about (what is to me) inane bullshit.

It helps a lot that after I broke up with the x, I consciously attempted to learn some social skills (for my own sanity, seeing as I had to re-enter the dating market in my mid-30s after a decade hiatus).

I think the thing that helps most to know about smalltalk is that sometimes it really does matter what you say if you want to keep the conversation engaged. Smalltalk-haters have very refined bullshit detectors (and engineers often fall into this realm) - this means you have to put your feelers out and not just engage in idle chitchat because it's This Task I Must Do. The Bullshit Detector can smell this from a mile away. Best to ask them something you're really interested in. A trick I've used many a time: pretend you are a private investigator and that you must somehow tease the details of (X work project / Y family gathering / Z planned outing) out of them without them catching wise to your ploy.

Lame, but hey, it works for me.

Oh, engineers. I am terribly inclined to antisocialness and had to consciously train myself to learn to do small talk. "Open ended" does not generally work with us. Ask for specific details, and then ask for elaboration on the details.

Someone may have said this already upthread - the questions you want are things like "which projects are you working on?", "when's the deadline on that?", "who are you working with?", "how do you think that compares to [x similar thing]?" and "really? what's that/what are they like?" Act the way you would if you were genuinely interested in the answers (easier said than done, yeah - I had to practice a bit.)
Also, as a last resort: "really? because I heard that [something completely outrageously fabricated and hopefully nowhere near the truth]...but I could be wrong?" Engineers are very likely to be unable to resist the chance to correct someone.

where are these cute ones you speak of? ;)

There was a bit on This American Life some years back (and they don't replay the episode much, so the tactic remains novel) wherein John Hodgman asserts that small-talk conversation starters are boring, and the best thing to do is to lead with the following question:

Given the choice between the super-powers of Invisibility or Flying like Superman, which would you choose to have?

Everyone's got a preference, and you can follow up with questions about their choice - Such as, if you choose flying, what if it depended on the cape-and-tights outfit? (Plus, with invisibility, there's the whole nakidity angle, should you choose to purse it with YACE...) The question presents all sorts of conversational hooks, and at worst, you get called out for being a Hodgeman/TAL fan.

I find that big weird "entry-point - laden" statements, followed by big weird silly stories, tend to work better as "small talk" with people who are quieter. It lets them react rather than putting them on the spot, and at the very least it lets them laugh at me rather than feeling like they're on the spot.

Exactly! That's what I do too. I think it's about a million times easier for everyone concerned than, well, interview questions.