Possibly helpful framework:

When we're young, we're literally at the life-and-death mercy of our caregivers' moods. An angry withholding father could literally mean no food, no care, no survival. We build that awareness of our vulnerability into our psyches.

However, when we're older, we can take care of ourselves. We often feel that same vulnerability when put in uncomfortable situations, but that feeling is a memory of our former helplessness, not a reversion to it.

For me, at least, that heart-dropping fear of being hurt is what spurs the anger. If I can remember that my fear isn't necessary, that I'm remembering being helpless but I can stand on my own now (and really feel that, rather than just know it intellectually), I can feel my heart stabilize and the anger start to dissipate a bit.

Beyond that, get enough sleep, try to eat reasonably well (whatever that means to you), and get enough exercise (sex counts) to get all the stress hormones out of your system before and after.

And I'm sorry about your grandfather.

i used to generate all the same feelings about my dad. now, he's old and feeble and confused and childlike and pisses himself. if i had been able to picture that over the years i think i'd have saved myself a lot of anger and resentment. i no longer fear him and often feel a huge love for him, and a deep humility about myself. we're all going there...

I'm sorry for your loss, AV. I'd suggest trying to think of being there for your Grandmother, and for your Grandfather's memory, and to focus on that.

I know that is muuuuch easier said than done, but that's all I've got. Good luck.

You are there for a purpose. Stick to it. Make a promise to yourself that no matter what, you will not express negative emotions to your father. Save them for some other time. So many other people will be there to pay their last respects to grandfather. You respect him and them by keeping it in, no matter what. It might go more positively than that with dad, but whatever, you have to think about you, your family and everyone else attending. Just remember why you are there and don't let anyone draw you into drama.

By the way. I am sorry for your loss. This must be really hard dealing with that and your demons with dad. You are a peach and have my love and prayers.

You will handle it with grace, and your other family members will appreciate you for it. This might not be the time to 'get into it' with your dad. He'll be going through his own stuff. Well done for helping your grandma. Sorry for the loss and the stress.

Aw, honey! It's tough, but you are not alone - you can see from some of the comments here scattered in different threads how many people have painful parent issues. As occhiblu says, the reason it is difficult to grapple with that fear and anger is the tendency to be transported back to helpless feelings of childhood - so keep reminding yourself that you are an adult now and you control your life; you have agency. It won't make everything all better, but it might help make it more manageable. Good luck!

Also, the ants you mentioned in the other thread? See if you can trace back to where they are coming out, and try putting some fresh mint, or maybe essential oil (I haven't tried it) in that area - or along the path if you cant get to the source. It worked for me a couple of times, though maybe the ants just decided they were bored, and it had nothing to do with the mint. Worth a shot, though.

I can understand the feelings of anger at effectively being prevented from attending the reception through fear of a confrontation with your father. But your gut feeling is that this is the right thing to do because your grandfather's memorial is in no stretch of the imagination the appropriate time or place to have to deal with your father should he decided to kick off at you. Go with that feeling.

Enjoy the time with your grandma and cousins. She doesn't need extra family troubles at this time, and the fact that she's asked you to visit her separately suggests she's fully aware that your dad is a problem.

The last time I saw my father was at my mother's funeral. I hadn't seen or spoken to him for over four years before that date, since the day I left home at 16. Yet he still expected that, after the funeral, I would not be going back to London, that I'd give up my job and home, come back to the shitty little one-horse town where he lived and be his caretaker. He was shocked and angry to learn that this would not happen. It was my role! My duty! He had absolutely no recognition of or insight into the abuse he'd perpetrated on me from when I was a baby right up until the day I walked out of that squalid little terraced house never to return.

If your dad tries to start something I'd just say "You know, this really isn't appropriate at your father's memorial" or "I don't want to discuss this" and then walk away from him. Remember that much of the dynamic in an abusive parent/child relationship is to do with control and power, and this reaction may make him more angry, because he is not in control of the situation (i.e. you haven't risen to the bait) and you have taken away his power by refusing to discuss things with him. Please resist any temptation to respond if he then tries to escalate a confrontation (I see you say you have his temper). If necessary, go to your Grandma and say "I'm really sorry but I have to leave because I think dad will cause a scene if I stay".

You cannot predict or control how someone is going to act towards you but what you can control is how far you get into it with them.

I would stick by the family/friends I felt were most supportive.

Or is there someone close to you who you can ask to be there?

(((Ambrosia)))

What an awful time to have to deal with non-related issues.

Take the high road - do not engage. Period. You're there for grandmother, yourself and the other family members who matter.

Stay distant yet polite if you have to deal with him. He's nothing more than someone who happens to be at the same place at the same time.

Take deep breaths, lean on contraption, take a walk. Do whatever you need to get through service. You are stronger than you think.

Please feel free to email me if you need/want to vent or get advice or whatever. I read what you posted over at BigBigQuestion. Holy moly, girl.

I had to do the same thing at a family reunion two years ago. My older brother has a decent relationship with him and wanted him there. Bro asked me if it was okay and I agreed to it. It was difficult but I made it through with my dignity and sanity intact.

Thanks all for the support and advice. One of the best things I can do is remember how much support healthy, kind people who've never even met me can be, and how small and unhappy this one man is. You'll all be in my pocket when I go. :)

I forgot to mention a detail that's part of the bright side: I'm being adopted by my mother's loving husband. At age 27! :P (disinheriting oneself can be fun)

Thank you especially, essexjan, for the practical walkthrough: that's what I'm most concerned with. To allow a hug or refuse one and start trouble? To hug the kids but not him? Where to sit? I think I'm gonna go as non-contact as possible, and although I'm going by myself, maybe I'll pick some other distant relative near the back (I really don't know anyone but Dad, Grandma and Grandpa) and make them be my pew-buddy. and afterwards: ICED. CREAMS.