But responding would compel me to schedule something.

Nuh-uh!

Just write back apologizing for the delay. Explain that you've been really swamped and that it's a crazy time and that yes, you'd love to get together when things slow down a bit. Leave it at that.

If they didn't propose a specific plan, you're not obligated to either. Especially since you legitimately don't have the time.

Yea, mudpuppie has it. You can write back and be like, oh yea, really busy, will be in touch when I have more time. If you have time to post on Metachat, you have time to write two-sentence e-mails :-D

I totally get the not-writing-back thing, though. It's not about having the time or not. For me, once I put something off long enough, I get anxiety about it. If I should have responded a week ago and have four free hours, I'll put it off some more because I'm not sure how to properly apologize or if the other person was pissed, or whatever. And THAT turns into a whole big cycle that has nothing to do with free time, but with angst.

So yeah, I get it.

Well, it's less about not having time to respond, and more about not really wanting to spare the time to get together. And I tend to get antsy about content-free messages to people I don't know very well. So I guess the anxiety is more, "Why on earth would someone want to get a 'Hi! I have no time to see you, or information to impart to you!' email?" Because that seems weird to me.

Why not? It's another way of keeping in touch.

Are you really not writing these emails because you think the recipients might not want to get them? That seems like anxiety-based needless complexity. If I were you, I'd write what I think of as the "not drowning, waving" note, and copy and send it to just about everybody: "Hi, friends and family, I've been extraordinarily busy keeping my commitments to work/study/your time sink here, and these are the vitalizing things that make happy and whole, but I wanted to drop you a line to say I think of you often and look forward to having lots of fun catching up when I'm free to decompress and kick back." It helps in mutual social compartmentalization, to make explicit that you are not worrying about them and that they ought not about you or the possibility of an unhealthy languishing of your relationships with them. For now.

Are you really not writing these emails because you think the recipients might not want to get them?

No, I think it's more that I'm worried that responding is going to make it seem like I'm more into the relationships than I am. Literally, these are friends-of-friends with whom I've spent zero one-on-one time with. One of them is great and I like her a lot, but I just don't have the energy to start up a real friendship with her right now (plus, I'm moving in three months); the other I'm just not really into, but can't blow off totally because of tangled social networks.

It helps in mutual social compartmentalization, to make explicit that you are not worrying about them and that they ought not about you or the possibility of an unhealthy languishing of your relationships with them. For now.

I totally agree, but see above. There's not really a relationship that's languishing; it's more of a "I feel like they're asking for more than I'm willing to give" sort of thing, and I'm wondering if letting it fizzle makes more sense than responding tepidly and starting up the process all over again.

But I'm also wondering if that's just me rationalizing being a jerk.

It seems you're assuming that one e-mail is going to automatically lead to bigger and grand things, and I don't know why that would be true, particularly if you set up your response in a way that lets them know that you'll get back to them on your terms (when you're less busy, you'll both be at X event and you'll see them there, etc).

It seems you're assuming that one e-mail is going to automatically lead to bigger and grand things, and I don't know why that would be true

Dysfunctional childhood tendency to assume that if a hint has been given, it's my job to put a plan in place to address the need. Sigh. Been trying to give that one up for a while...

would having one all-encompassing social engagement to offer as the plan be a good compromise? I'm pretty sure parties, like the housewarming I'm about to have, were invented for that reason...

But I'm also wondering if that's just me rationalizing being a jerk.

no, and I mean this in the kindest, most gentle way possible: it is being pathologically over-thinky. TPS and mudpuppie are right.

Or to put it more bluntly: no one is ever as important as we think we are to others.

"Pathologically over-thinky" is my middle name.

No, really.

Occhi Pathologically Over-thinky Blu. It's Italian-Norwegian.

Bork bork bork.

This is what I would do: If they are acquaintances that you don't care to hang out with at the moment, and if you have not responded in months, let it go. Don't write them back.

I let would be a beginning friendship fizzle out not too long ago. She was a friend of a friend. We went to the movies a handful of times, we went to a few charity things, a dinner party she hosted, a couple lunches. I wasn't feeling it. She is a great person, but someone I didn't have a lot in common with. We lost contact for a month or so. I didn't return a couple of her voice mails. I wrote her back and apologized for being "a complete flake" and that "I was in a funk" and asked her to please accept my apologies for not returning her calls. She totally accepted and understood, said she was in a bit of a funk too. We haven't had plans since but I did donate some time and money to one of her charity things and we will probably see one another at an event in the future.

She probably isn't too upset that we're not hanging out. Even though she had expressed what a great person I was and I was one of her nicest friends. When she told me this, I got a little anxious. I wanted to say, "don't be so fast to make that conclusion. I tend to be distant and I don't want obligations. And if you say something that I find distasteful or stupid or I'll probably bail on you."

I think I'm the kind of person that can get easily turned-off, and a bit judgmental, which is really unfortunate at times. I think I inadvertently do this to avoid intimacy and obligations. If I think their husband is a jerk, or if they shop too much for things I think are dumb, or say something completely stupid about a person I admire I will begin to mentally write them off.

And eventually I will find that I am friendless, except for my two or three childhood friends. I don't want to be friendless. I want certain kind of friends. I am very picky. I never seem to find these friends that possess the qualities I desire. It's a losing game. I know friends are important. People aren't perfect and if you find somebody that is decent and actually makes an effort to be a good friend, you should return that effort with tenfold. I don't do this very well. My elderly patients tell me all the time how important good friends are as they age.

If you're in a situation like mine. If these people that are e-mailing you are decent people who you can see yourself hanging out with, and you want to hang out if just for a monthly lunch or movie, by all means write them back. If they're people that don't float your boat, and you have enough meaningful relationships to satisfy you, don't write them back. They probably have given up hearing from you. They're probably not angry, they just probably have moved on or are occupied.

Please excuse the typos and grammatical errors above. Don't write me off. ;-)

Something my five-year old just said to me made me feel a little sad inside and think about this thread. He learned a new song today at school.

Make new friends
But keep the old
One is silver, the other gold

We sung it together. He is always surprised that I know the songs he learns. :-)

"not drowning, waving" note

AV, I love this phrase so much that I'm stealing it immediately.

I laughed especially hard because "not drowning, waving" notes will be the only ones I send for the next week, until finals are over. I'm noticing it's much easier to poke my head in here, probably because none of you want anything from me; most of the people I'm emailing do.

LoriFLA, it's been my experience that solid friendships can stand a good amount of non-malicious neglect. Sometimes they even need it, like a plant that goes dormant ofr part of its cycle. The best friends I've had have been cheerfully willing to ignore periods of quiet, and come to think of it, I've been willing to do the same.

I think I'm the kind of person that can get easily turned-off, and a bit judgmental, which is really unfortunate at times. I think I inadvertently do this to avoid intimacy and obligations.

Hrmmmm, yeah, that shoe fits. I *am* extremely loyal and helpful and out-of-my-way-going for my close friends (or, at least, for people I really like), but I do tend to shut out acquaintances.

I was all proud of myself a couple weeks ago for sharing some of the problems I've been having with my classmates. They were all really supportive, and I thought, "This sharing stuff is good!" Then, over the course of the next few weeks, they kept asking me about it. Which is perfectly normal, polite behavior, but I was just like, "Ack! Go away! I shared, you supported, don't start turning this into an ongoing obligation here!"

Sigh. I'm really not good with that middle ground between "I really like you" and "I barely know you." I need people to be in one or the other, none of this gray area or transition business. Introverts 'R' Me, I guess. :-)

I was all proud of myself a couple weeks ago for sharing some of the problems I've been having with my classmates.

THAT was ambiguous. I meant, "I was all proud of myself a couple weeks ago for sharing, with my classmates, some of the problems I've been having [that do not involve my classmates]." Didn't want to sound like I was giving myself kudos for telling everyone off!

occhiblu, I am no authority on best practices. Quite the opposite. But I completely sympathize. Been there more and more often. I generally don't write back, don't respond to voicemails. I am actually terrible. My best friends and family know me for a no-message-returning shitbag and I can only guess at what my casual acquaintances must think when I fail to produce even an IM after they leave me a 15 minute "long time no see" voicemail (I hate those, btw).

I guess there's simply no tactful way to say "I'm too overloaded to pursue a friendship with you right now." But I have to think of what Mrs. Manners or her ilk would say is proper etiquette. I have no doubt they would advise some pleasant but hinting/euphemistic communication along the lines of:

"Hey! Great to hear from you! How am I doing? I'm crazy busy! But life is good. I'm doing A/B/C/D/E/F."

At some point, they get the message that you are a busy person but they at least appreciate the chance to catch up on what you're doing.

...or as was suggested earlier: "We should get together when things settle down." That's a good one.

My problem is: the worst sort of half-acquaintances ignore such hints and etiquette signals. And I could give exactly 1.8 shits about offending the sensibilities of some distant acquaintance who wants to pile onto my already over-full life. I'm a dick, but honestly, I just don't care. My good friends and family know I care about them, and they give me hell when I get behind, but that's different.

Long story short: if you give a shit, you could jump through a variety of etiquette hoops to minimize the awkwardness. But there's no reason you necessarily need to care at all.

LoriFLA, it's been my experience that solid friendships can stand a good amount of non-malicious neglect. Sometimes they even need it, like a plant that goes dormant ofr part of its cycle. The best friends I've had have been cheerfully willing to ignore periods of quiet, and come to think of it, I've been willing to do the same.

Yes. I agree. I don't get my feelings hurt if there are periods of benign neglect. Like you said, it's a kind of relief and a natural thing. With my close friends, we can always pick up where we left off. I probably have four friends like this and I am very grateful.

I hope I didn't sound like a judgmental brat upthread. I love people and I love my friends, I just have some of my own issues that prevent me from keeping a new friendship going if I'm not into it 100 per cent.

I have always been passive in friendships. I am rarely the inviter, which is a shame.

I feel like I am finally reaching a balance with just the right amount of socializing to satisfy me. I have groups (adult and children's) that I belong to. I see people montly and bi-monthly. I'm not particularly super close with anyone in the groups but it fills my need to socialize and be around people. Last year was kind of lonely at times. I did have plenty of plans, but not as much as prior years and mainly that is my doing and intention. I can only have so many obligations before I start feeling resentful. And part of the reason why I think I was feeling so much pressure, and a need to hide, is because I was hanging around with a lot of country club types. I was in unfamiliar territory. I couldn't relate most of the time, and I felt like I put undo pressure on myself. It was exhausting. I still see these people, and most of them are decent people, but not as often.

Part of me wants to sit in my house with my husband and kids and be left alone. The other half wants to party all the time.

Sorry occhiblu, I didn't mean to take over your thread with my issues.

I think occhi is the type of person that people are pining to be friends with. She has to push them off, they're crawling up her legs. :-)

Now I'm going to be scratching my legs all day.... :-)

Sorry occhiblu, I didn't mean to take over your thread with my issues.

Not a problem. I like MeCha thread drift; it tends to go in interesting directions.

I think y'all have convinced me into vague apologetic hand-wavery. We'll see how it goes...