Oh crud, didn't mean for all of that to go on the front page. Sorry about that. Mods?
(It's m y first post here. I know I'm not alone making this mistake!)

Hi base.

I've resisted reading much of that thread. I've found that sometimes it's best not to dwell on what wasn't or could not be. It took a while but I am comfortable just looking away because if I don't, I'll just be keeping alive pain that has been delt with and passed. I will say that I watched my sisters become moms and the lemonaid they made from mother lemon is just amazing. Even in the darkest loss, growth can be found. In some ways, just seeeing their parenting styl has helped me deal with the loss of my own mother. Funny how that happens.

Yup. I'm with ya. I read the first few comments and began to get too bitter to stand it.

If it makes you feel any better, though, I'm actively training her, and she's improving a little. I call her on her shit ("I'm not you, mom"), and she at least is trying.

Hooboy, yes, I didn't read that thread all the way through. Struck a nerve.

It helps if you use the "your mom" in the question, not as _your_ mom, but as a verbatim expression.

Like "I like your mom, and have a great relationship with her, because..."

Then the whole thread is just a big "that's what she said" joke.

From what I've heard, there are quite a few MeChazens who have distant or downright unloving relationships with their moms/dads.

Hi bassjump, I must have missed that question.

I have a wonderful mother. My father, on the other hand...

On top of a whole lot of other dysfunction and ridiculous bullshit, my father was not very interested in my life or interests. Or, if he was he didn't show it. I have a decent relationship with him now, but I still wouldn't call him up to tell him anything new or exciting, or even disappointing. We don't have a relationship like that. I might call to tell him that our sprinkler system is broken or I have chinch bugs, but that's as far as it goes.

As a parent, I'm perplexed and saddened when I think about my father's style or personality. I was very careful to say and do the "right" thing. I would behave in a way he would find acceptable. I could never be myself. I could never assert myself. I wouldn't dare suggest a radio station or tell him about my day at school.

So, that mom thread doesn't make me sad because my mom was and is a very understanding, nice, easy-going, caring grown-up. I am sad that my father was a total prick, but whaddya gonna do? I can only forgive and try to understand, move on and parent my children in a loving, respectful, thoughtful way.

In case people think I have bugs on my body. :-)

The weird thing is that my mom and I are perfectly cordial on the surface, and in general I'm pretty familiar with her limitations and just let her be who she is. It's not something I dwell on regularly, aside from the "Ugh, I'd better call Mom" moments of everyday life. But that thread highlighted a lot of things at once that otherwise would have stayed in the murky background of my mind.

I can almost appreciate the irony in the way she talks about parenting in a self-congratulatory way. She's great at talking about (and therefore judging and criticizing) other people's child-rearing styles and decisions. Eventually I'll find it all darkly humorous, but not quite yet.

Yeah. I know what you mean. In my twenties I found it very hard to find anything humorous. I was still crying myself to sleep in my twenties. Married with children and still crying at memories and anger. Now, it doesn't bother me so much. I think therapy and age have helped a lot. I think the fact that my mother is happy and is able to live her life the way she pleases makes my father easier to deal with. Plus, he has matured and mellowed.

The nice thing about my mother is I can tell her anything and be myself. I can tell her when she is driving me nuts. :)

I have come to accept that my mother was not the mother I would have wished for. We even talked about it in her last few years of life -- I told her the things she did that were hurtful and forgave her for them, and she apologized sincerely for them.

What helped me understand and forgive my mother was a therapist of mine who referred me to the book "I Hate You-- Don't Leave Me". My mother likely had borderline personality disorder. People with BPD live very insecure and lonely lives, and I came to really sympathize with her, no matter what harm she did me.


For the most part, I don't carry any anger anymore toward my mother -- although, occasionally, a bit of it bubbles back up. This may sound weird, but I talk to my mother in my mind about it, and she asks me to forgive her. I suspect that I'm not really hearing my mother (it's not like this external voice I'm hearing), but have internalized the good things about my mother. Unless my mother is really talking to me from beyond the grave -- and if so, she's much more peaceful now.

I just popped over and read three or four comments and closed the window. Funny that several of us did that; sad, too.

My mum wasn't a very good one. Some of it was due to things beyond her control. One issue was alcoholism which, of course, led to other issues. Other things were in her control and that's the stuff I still struggle with.

Today we have a pretty good relationship. Mum's been there when the mister and I really needed her help and for that I'll always be grateful.

Boy, you really nailed it bassy. Not that my mother was abusive in any way to me. But, there was something missing in our relationship, and I think that was due to the fact that she had the same problem with her mother, and father too to some extent. And probably my dad as well, who isn't exactly husband of the year, but it's hard for me to be too critical of them now since I've come a long way in mending my relationship with them and have left all the bitterness behind. Would I have loved my parents to have been the "hey son, whatcha' doing there???" types--you betcha', but that was almost never going to happen, and I've made my peace with that. Although, I have gotten a lot more closer with my mom in the past few years than my dad for some reason. Dad's a hard nut to crack!

Wow. I'd like to say something helpful here but I just don't know what. This is a very sad thread.

The thread didn't depress me, but the topic does. My mother was completely fucked up but I'm far more angry at my father for not preventing it, and for marrying anothr crazy, temper-filled, dangerous woman and having a son who is pretty much isolated from the world at this point.

Let me just agree with many of the sentiments here and leave it at that. I find repression to be by far the best way of coping with my feelings about my mother.

Yeah, my parents love me but I cannot talk to them about ANYTHING substantial.

I simply had to find other folks to meet that need. Blessedly, I have.

Let me just agree with many of the sentiments here and leave it at that. I find repression to be by far the best way of coping with my feelings about my mother.

Hear, hear Gaspode.
The best thing I can do is forget it all and try to be the best momma to my spawn as I can be. My kid has his complaints about me, without a doubt, but they pale significantly in comparison with my own experiences.

Let me just agree with many of the sentiments here and leave it at that. I find repression to be by far the best way of coping with my feelings about my mother.

I think you are very wise. Discretion is always a wise thing and something I need to get better at. I cringe that I expose myself on the internet (only on the Metas and in small doses). I don't know if it's beneficial or detrimental. I'm leaning toward detrimental.

What gaspode said.

We should have derailed it into a 'Yo momma' thread.

We should have derailed it into a 'Yo momma' thread.

Now, now, EJ --- there's no reason to bring anyone's ugly, promiscuous mother* into this.

*And dumb, too.

My Mom died in December. I've been coming to terms with lots of stuff. tried to write some of it here, but it's just too raw. She did her best. Sometimes it was enough, sometimes she caused a lot of hurt. We didn't all get the Moms that the Mother's Day cards are about.