MetaChat - Ok, body, I have three issues with you!

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21 April 2008

Ok, body, I have three issues with you! 1. Fingernails and cuticles--why do you go through these periods of being cracked and bleeding, and why don't you tell me when it's going to happen so I can try to apply something to stave off the process? Not that you respond to any of the things I apply to you anyway. But seriously, wtf? My diet is good, the weather is much less dry now, and all of a sudden out of nowhere you just start cracking up again, with hangnails galore? What? What did I do? What can I do that will make you love me again?→[More:]

2. (Area behind the) ears, why are you so stinky all the time? I wash you every morning but by about 4 p.m. I'll rub that area and my hand will come away very stinky. This does not bode well for the boyfriend who may want to nibble on you! I tried scrubbing you with a washcloth, but that was too harsh for you and you became very red and irritated, so I'm back to just rubbing you with my hand and some mild (homemade! :) ) soap. What can I use on you that will make you clean and happy all day?

3. What's with the shortness of breath at night (especially in the upcoming summer)? You've been going to the gym for a year now and your diet is 1000% better than it used to be. You're definitely never going to be a great athlete, but breathing without making funny loud whooshing sounds before falling asleep is getting to be annoying. Maybe you were just born with a small heart, or something.

post by: Melismata at: 11:51 | 17 comments

Woops, sorry, forgot to put the info "inside"! Be gentle, this is my first post here...

posted by Melismata 21 April | 11:52

Cuticles: try taking a bunch of vitamin C (3,000-5,000 mg) every day for a week. I SWEAR your cuticles will get better.

My issue?

Look, body, I know you're stressed out, but I'm doing what I can. Is it SO NOT FAIR that you are PMSing a full week-and-a-half before I'm due to start bleeding! What was with the painful cramps yesterday and last night? Cut it out!

posted by Specklet 21 April | 13:22

Cuticles: My cuticles get all craptastic and nasty if I get them really water-logged, and perhaps if detergent is thrown into the mix. Seriously, girl, when I started wearing gloves to clean the house, I not only felt like a cool retro housewife, but my nails started to look a lot better.

But YMMV :)

Breathing: Asthma? I bet it's asthma.

And now, a Letter to my Stomach: Look, I've been eating yogurt and bran cereal. I've been exercising and trying to get enough sleep. I've even been watching my cheese and fatty foods intake. Yet you persist in being all screwed up, and Dear Fiance is making noises about going to a doctor, and Do Not Want! You better straighten up and fly right, or I'll be forced to do something drastic.

posted by muddgirl 21 April | 14:19

My cuticles are a mess but it's mostly my fault and mostly my thumbs. They got ridiculously dry and it's was all bloody tragedy from there.

posted by ethylene 21 April | 14:27

My issues:

Body, I know that we've had some serious ups and downs since we've been together, but I'd really appreciate it if I wasn't constantly burping after lunch. Thanks.

Hands, It would be totes awesome if you would stop being so dry. I constantly slather you with lotion every time I come back to my desk.

Hair, please quit looking like ass. Seriously. It's been old.

and finally

Brain, I know that reading hilarious fanfiction is an awesome way to while away the hours, but doing that at work, even though no one pays attention and it's only on my personal jumpdrive, is probably not exactly a good thing to do.

posted by sperose 21 April | 14:48

Still new to this! I should have included in the original post, "what are the three things you need to tell your body?"

Muddgirl, are you suffering from IBS? My mom has that, it flares up when she's stressed. Yucky. Good luck.

posted by Melismata 21 April | 14:58

I hate my cuticles too. My nails have stopped splitting once I started taking a daily multi-vitamin (more like work-daily, because I always forget on the weekends), but my cuticles are still dry and crack-y. Gloves really help? With all of the hand-washing dishes I do, I should get a pair of gloves.

posted by rhapsodie 21 April | 14:59

Ohohoh!! Melismata, I just went to the doctor last week because I thought I had inexplicably developed asthma. It was weird though, because even if I *was* frequently short of breath and wheezy, it didn't feel the way that asthmatics describe it [my mother and the Mr. both suffer from asthma.] She listened to my chest and said my chest was fine, then put her stethoscope on my neck as said, "but if sounds like you're sucking on jello right there." Post-nasal drip. Disgusting, I know, but she switched around my allergy meds and *BAM*. Sweet, non-wheezy Jesus, I can breath again without calling all the dogs in the neighborhood. Bonus: I no longer wake both of us up several times a night from deep, throaty snoring. Also, for immediate relief, hot lemon water worked wonders.

For the ear thing, what about a nice witch hazel tonic? If you carried some in a little bottle with a travel pack of tissues, it would be super portable and you could easily and discreetly freshen up anytime. I went through a period of having incredibly oily T-area and used a mixture of witch-hazel and rose water. Soothing, refreshing and smells good, too!

posted by Frisbee Girl 21 April | 15:05

what are the three things you need to tell your body?

1) Stomach thing, as above. (Ugh, I've been thinking it might be IBS? Ugh.)
2) Elbows, specifically the left one: Seriously, what's up with the dryness? Right Elbow is so soft and smooth; why can't you be more like Right Elbow?
3) Left Ankle: I know you're mad at me because I haven't taken care of you very well since I sprained you. You know what? I don't care At. All. Stop aching right this second.

posted by muddgirl 21 April | 15:09

My face has been a mess since i tried the mineral make up. Not because of the make up, but because i became entranced by my skin flaws and spent some time mutilating my spores and dry patches.

posted by ethylene 21 April | 15:14

Pores, not spores, but scores of sores made moreso by force oh the mess.

posted by ethylene 21 April | 15:15

1) Period. If you're going to stop, just stop. I won't complain. This irregularity thing is annoying though.

2) Leg: Nice recovery- thanks! Way ahead of schedule!

3) Rest of self: Thanks for not catching ALS, lupus, MS or anything else scary, the way everyone else's body seems to be. Appreciate it.

posted by small_ruminant 21 April | 15:28

1. Body, you're on your own - if I start looking after you now, I'll probably get some fatal disease, so I'm going to continue to ignore and abuse you and I expect you to continue to give me uncomplainingly average performance for as long as I need you.
There is no 2 or 3.

posted by dg 21 April | 15:53

BODY! Godammit! Why won't you behave? Knock this shit off RIGHT NOW.

posted by msali 21 April | 16:34

Dear boobs: it's time to perk up. Seriously, losing weight isn't that big of a bummer.

posted by rhapsodie 21 April | 17:37

Body issues? Hell, I stopped trusting my physical self a long time ago. I kind of wish my body would decide on certain things. For instance, from the waist down I'm pretty well built, muscular hairy legs, athletic butt etc, from the waist up, I'm scrawny and hairless. Plus there's the acne scars, the droopy eyes due to surgery for chalazions when I was a teenager, the bad teeth from genetics, lack of insurance and neglect, the broken nose, the bad hair...it's best not to invest too much in it all.

posted by jonmc 21 April | 18:30

Why, why, why, when I do all those tricep exercises do I still have Dinnerlady Arms?

posted by essexjan 22 April | 11:41

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