MetaChat - AGH I'M SCURRED!

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16 April 2008

AGH I'M SCURRED! I'm having my first medical checkup in like 17 years today! And I'm a little nervous! PLZ ADVISE!→[More:] Not because I think they're going to find anything wrong with me (fingers crossed) but because I don't know what they're going to do to me! What are they going to do to me? Are they going to take blood? Are they going to, uh, handle...uh...my business? Are they going to...y'know...put anything...up anything? AGH!

None of this would bother me, mind you, I just wanna know what to expect. 33 y/o male if that matters. Help?

post by: 2or3whiskeysodas at: 10:03 | 34 comments

They're almost certainly going to grope your junk - testicular cancer is important to check for! But they won't put anything up it if you don't complain of gonorrhea symptoms. If you do, you'll discover the joys of the cotton swab up the urethra.

posted by cmonkey 16 April | 10:24

Your bunghole is safe, no worries there. They'll pretty much take your temp, blood pressure, pulse, height and weight. Look you over a bit. Perhaps check for a hernia (which contrary to popular belief doesn't involve fondling your balls). Check your abdomen for anything odd. Look you over for skin cancer, and pretty much look you over. You know, looking in your ears, eyes, mouth and nose. Important part is they'll talk to you about your medical history (and family medical history), and ask if you have anything that is concerning you. Doctors aren't mind readers, and they won't magically find stuff without your input, so it's best to be open and honest. As far as drawing blood, yeah they will, but unless things have changed since my last physical, they'll want you to fast for the cholesterol tests. So if you've eaten today, you'll have to schedule that for another time.

posted by eekacat 16 April | 10:27

Remember, ejaculating from digital manipulation of your prostate does not mean you are automatically engaged.
Unless the doctor is on one knee.

posted by ethylene 16 April | 10:28

I WILL NOT COMPLAIN OF GONORRHEA SYMPTOMS. Geez, I hadn't even considered the possibility of urethra-swabbage. Guh. And I think I'm not at the age where they'd need to start checking for prostate cancer...right?

Again, they're welcome to do anything they feel is necessary, I'm not worried about that. I'm just looking to brace myself!

On preview, GAH ETHYLENE GROSS!...but hilarious.

posted by 2or3whiskeysodas 16 April | 10:37

Hahahah, ethylene. You crack me up.

My husband is 35, he had a physical this year. They most certainly probed. Maybe because he is 35. Good luck, 2or3. Even if they do probe, it's no big thang.

posted by LoriFLA 16 April | 10:45

Let the doctor in, it's for your own good.
It doesn't mean you have to wait shaking on all fours. Generally, i don't think they sneak up on you, but you don't have to be all eager about it.

posted by ethylene 16 April | 10:51

Last physical I had, which was when I was 39, they just did the blood screening for prostate cancer, but I had a friend that got the finger when he was like 25 as part of his physical for a new job. I guess it depends on where you go. From what I hear, the probe is only really bad if BOTH the doctors hands are on your shoulders.

posted by eekacat 16 April | 11:02

They know when to use lube.
Hopefully.

i had a really nervous birdie nurse practitioner at the ologist once. That was a bit disturbing.

posted by ethylene 16 April | 11:07

I'm so proud of y'all for totally soothing 2or3's fears. heehee

posted by taz 16 April | 11:13

Heh. so many men seem to have such a visceral fear of the finger up the butt? What is it? Are you just afraid of it coming at you unexpectedly? Fingers are a lot smaller than what comes out...

posted by gaspode 16 April | 11:16

Only the surprise proctologist enjoys the surprise proctology.
They judge by sound effects.

posted by ethylene 16 April | 11:19

It's the oops technique:
"Oops! I guess this is your rectal exam! Gotcha!"

posted by ethylene 16 April | 11:21

"look ma, no hands!"

posted by eekacat 16 April | 11:22

Yeah, do doctors really not tell you what they are about to do? I'm being serious. I've never had a doctor fail to say "now I'm about to [insert xyz]"[hee].

Of course, the only time I've had dr's fingers up the butt is when I went in for butt-related issues, so was expecting it.

posted by gaspode 16 April | 11:26

I ain't scared of no finger up no nuthin'. This is just general fear of the unknown. Haven't seen the inside of a doctor's office in damn near 20 years. Just want to know what they're gonna do to me.

posted by 2or3whiskeysodas 16 April | 11:26

They judge by sound effects.

"Meh. 4.3"

posted by gaspode 16 April | 11:26

Y'all are terrible!

2or3, do not be worried, it'll be a snap! In no time you'll be walking out of there thinking "Now what on earth was I so worried about! That was a snap!"

posted by Specklet 16 April | 11:27

My first gyno (who was also my mother's) put his finger in my butt and didn't tell me...I've only gone to women since.

posted by brujita 16 April | 11:30

"Meh. 4.3"

That yodel at the end was worth at least a 6.

posted by ethylene 16 April | 11:31

Yeah, eekacat has got it. I have seen more doctors in the past year or so than in the rest of my life put together, and the initial physical pretty much followed that pattern.

posted by gaspode 16 April | 11:31

2or3:

Fill out some forms
Nurse will take your weight, height, vital signs
You might be asked to change into a paper gown
Doctor will start with your head and neck
She will look into your ears, eyes, nose
Feel around your neck for lymph nodes and arteries to see if they are supple. I love that word, supple
She'll listen to your heart and lungs with the stethoscope
She'll palpate your abdomen
She'll hammer on your knees with a rubber mallet
She'll feel your ankles and feet for edema and take your pulse
She'll probe the anus.

You will be given a slip for labs: Complete Blood Count, Basic Metabolic Panel, Lipid Profile, PSA, TSH, Urinalysis, etc.

You're done.

posted by LoriFLA 16 April | 11:36

Make sure to do a floral enema beforehand to be considerate. Also, tipping is appreciated.
There is no complementary sac wash.

posted by ethylene 16 April | 11:39

Perhaps you'd like to practice in advance to make sure you make the most of your experience.

Like The Boy Scouts, Be Prepared.
*two finger salute*

posted by ethylene 16 April | 11:40

Yes, thanks eekacat & LoriFLA. That's what I was looking for. I'm shocked--SHOCKED--that this thread would devolve into a bunch of butthole jokes. Shame on all of you. Shaaaaaaame!

I'm in good shape, I'm not going in with any specific physical concerns other than getting a referral for someone who can do something about this goddamn ADD I was diagnosed with as a kid and have left untreated all my life. It is getting unmanageable.

ethylene: wtf, why would the Dr. need to use two fingers?! That seems unnecessary. Maybe you're right, I should probably go practice.

posted by 2or3whiskeysodas 16 April | 11:50

It's the Boy Scout who use two fingers. Shame on you.
Try the Metadate or the Concerta or the lamb. We'll be here all week.

posted by ethylene 16 April | 11:54

oh okk htanks
soryy
realy h ard to typ
whil
pracctcng

posted by 2or3whiskeysodas 16 April | 12:00

I'm having a physical done tomorrow. I have to have one done yearly due to teh diabetes. And yes, the finger up the butt was a surprise overall, but the doc was nice and gave me, oh about two seconds warning. Just be glad you don't get a cold speculum shoved up your cooter.

posted by deborah 16 April | 12:19

Man, I feel so lucky that no doctor has ever stuck her finger up my butt. The speculum and cervix swab is enough fun.

Although the last time I got an exam I got to see my cervix on TV and it was really neat. It was all pearly pink and the os made a little smiley face on it.

posted by Specklet 16 April | 12:58

True story: My dr's fingers were to short to get them around my entire prostate, but she said that since my PSA test was fine, she called it all good.

posted by danf 16 April | 13:03

Oh god, danf. That is too funny.

I thought I would not mention that I had my butt examined yesterday, but since we're sharing, I did. No lie. Yesterday.

posted by LoriFLA 16 April | 13:10

Oh. Oh my.

*fingers in ears*

LALALALALALALAICAN'THEARYOU....

posted by bunnyfire 16 April | 16:39

I love my gyno partly because she is petite and has small hands. She says it can be a problem with deliveries, but since that's not a concern of mine - perfect. And either she is very very good, or the whole process/technology has gotten better in the last few years.

Never had the butt fingered professionally, but if it was her, I'd be fine about it.

About 13 years ago, by bff and crush, a virgin male, went to a doc in the box because he had a pimple or something on his aaarea, and thought he was dying or diseased. He fainted as soon as he disrobed for the female doctor.

2or3, you must post a follow up.

posted by rainbaby 16 April | 19:01

One of MuddDude's best friends is in medical school, at the part where they learn about the different specialties. Anyway, he sent us an email when he did his gynecology rotation: "Hey guys, I stuck my finger in a woman's butt! And her vagina! At the same time! It was so weird! I wonder if I should have asked for her number?"

Yeah, I think he's going to be a surgeon...

posted by muddgirl 16 April | 19:13

A little tip for you 40-somethings out there: Women tend to have smaller fingers than guys, so get a lady doctor...

posted by Doohickie 16 April | 20:08

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