I think your sister should rethink her approach on this one. I know this isn't an AskMe, but still.

Um dude, your sister is a babe!

More seriously though, I recently gave my younger sister a stern lecture about the guys she dates. I told her that while she is able to open doors for herself, etc., if a man doesn't even attempt to do so, or doesn't buy her flowers, he's just not even trying, and she deserves more respect.

I predict your sister will be buying a lot of flowers. 30 hour rotation? When's he supposed to go to the florist?

Plus, flowers bought on a whim are thoughtful; flowers bought out of obligation are virtually meaningless.

As I say to the g/f, "where's my flowers?"
I'm only half joking.

Um dude, your sister is a babe!

Heh, try telling her that. She thinks she's all wrong in the right places. (She had Vitiligo as a kid, which must've been hard on her, but she handled it like a champ, and now with the help of some medication it's gotten much much better.) I'm really happy for her.

Ok, that's gross, but to be totally crass, I'd be all "put some sexy gloves on babe" Seriously, see the "butterface" thread.

Classy, pie.

Ok, that's gross, but to be totally crass, I'd be all "put some sexy gloves on babe" Seriously, see the "butterface" thread.

OMG, double! fail!

well, he asked dude.

well, he asked dude.

Actually, no, he didn't.

Heh, try telling her that. She thinks she's all wrong in the right places. (She had Vitiligo as a kid, which must've been hard on her, but she handled it like a champ, and now with the help of some medication it's gotten much much better.) I'm really happy for her.

Not to get all brotherly or defensive, but I don't know what the hell you're talking about pie...

That's a cute story. She sounds playful and well intentioned.

I love letterpress and I can't deny myself the pleasure of buying up all the cute letterpress cards I see. How I resolve this in my head is by writing little notes on them and giving them to my boyfriend. Basically, I am a lot of girls' dream husband. Him, though? Eh. He likes them just fine and if the note I write is funny, he laughs, but he's not all "Aww, she loves me, she does!" over it. Which is just as well, I get to rationalize buying cute stuff.

bmarkey, way to make a thread all hostile!
But no worries, It's all good.

Who hasn't had some stupid embarrassing little health issue? Don't make me post a jpg of my toes!

Aw, jeez, this is not where I saw this thread going at all. I thought, yeah, one more thread to celebrate my sister... with all the stuff that people post about their animals, I thought human beings wouldn't be too much of a stretch; guess I was wrong.

pie, don't take this the wrong way (I'm sure you're a nice guy and all--seen your photographs and a guy who likes Buddha can't really be bad--can he?), but you've got NO idea how severe an issue Vitiligo can be, physically, and more importantly PSYCHOLOGICALLY. A person like me, who was obsessed with the way he looked growing up, would've cracked under a fraction of the pressure my sister must've had to face.

I don't know when she first started developing the marks, but they started to appear fairly early on in her life (age 3 or 4 I think), and when you're that young, it's kind of hard to explain to your classmates why your face is covered in white blotches, and why its spread all over your body. But she did, and to her credit, she always had loads of friends who loved her very much, so that just goes to show what kind of person she is.

Although, I had no idea how it affected her, even though she never showed it; my mom recently told me that she would have conversations with her about whether anyone would actually want to marry her. And all along I thought that there was absolutely nothing that frazzled her. Kind of hurts when you think about it, to see this confident young woman feel this way.

There's so much more I can write, but it's not worth it, especially if you think comparing something like leukoderma to a jpg of a toe is even possible.

hadjiboy, I think your sister is darling! It's really rough to have vitiligo -- I had a friend with it, and even though it wasn't as obvious because she was lighter-skinned, she really suffered with it. It's a rough thing to have to go through, and I'm glad your sister has the grace to do it.

As for the bouquets, I think your sis is going to get sick and tired of the arithmetric progression of bouquets! But I understand the feeling. I'm guessing she and her husband speak different "love languages" -- she craves being paid attention to with thoughtful symbolic gestures, while her husband sees something else -- like verbal communication, or working those 30-hour shifts -- as an expression of love. Then again, I don't know how well this concept translates to a different culture than mine. All I know is that the best man at our wedding gave Gingerkitty and I this book and it's been very, very helpful.

They must be a wonderful couple - it says a whole lot about your relationship with her that you feel so proud of her. There's a bunch of love there.

I'm sure they will find a way to get through his long hours and her need for loving symbols.

Things is, to me - and no offence meant to your beautiful sister (great smile!) - if her hubby is currently doing 30-hours shifts at the hospital and sleeps for 24 when he comes home it seems to be a good time for her to come up with sweet love gestures for him! Simple ones like:

- 1 drawn and scented bath with candles for winding down when he enters the door
- freshly cleaned sheets and newly fluffed pillows in bed!

Or something else that he'd really appreciate after such a stint. I don't know him, maybe he sees a lot of stress at work and would like a couch+girl+popcorn + silly comedy film evening to wind down.

I mean, marriages are partnerships. Sometimes one person is carrying a heavy load and then the other person comes with the sweet nothings that mean everything which make the love. Demanding flowers? I don't get it.

I'm sure she's a really nice person and all, but it seems a little silly. If she wants her mans attention, I'm sure she could get lots of it if she preps the couch and the popcorn. Nothing says "i love you babe" as the really heartfelt response to something like that. They could get all snuggly in the couch and save money on flowers.

(right now I'm carrying the heavy load around here and while I was hoping for a backrub, my man just cleaned up two rooms and carried a whole buncha things to the attic for a full hour here so I'll take that too. Nice, thanks cutiepie!)

Sorry that might have sounded cranky, I didn't mean it to be.

Seconding what dabitch said, who thankfully said it all before I had to think about how to phrase it. Though, I could see how buying doubling numbers of bouquets might seem like a good idea at the time.

And yeah they really make for a cute couple.

Oh, now you've done it dabitch--now it's on girl--now me and you are going to have a few words... Yeah, um, yeah, so... yeah, just a minute... I think I've got a few good ones right here... ummmmm, I'm thinking--okay!

All jokes aside though, I thought you ladies would've been more supportive of her predicament. Guess I was wrong. Although, to suggest that my sister might not be pulling her share of the weight isn't fair. My sis moved to the US one year after her husband did, and then spent the next year doing odd jobs like baby sitting to earn enough money so that she could support herself and run the house (in addition to contributing money towards my brother-in-law's USMLE exams). And those exams are pretty damn expensive! Something like a 100 dollars a pop, and back then my brother-in-law had to concentrate on his studies so my sister would have to make sure that everything was taken care of: like the groceries stocked, the apartment looked after, and yes--even her man satisfied I'm guessing.

Anyway, long story short, three years down the line--my brother-in-law is now doing his residency, my sister completed her MA on a scholarship, and she's got a good job that she's going to from 10 to 7, and yet she still finds the time to do those tiny little things that you mentioned. I guess what she's looking for is some good old fashioned loving. It's weird that on a site full of women I find myself defending her in that regard. Has romance become so mundane that you can't even get the woman you love a bouquet? I mean, yeah, sure--all that stuff your husband does for you is awesome, but I don't think she can expect her husband to do the same with a schedule like the one he has right now. So the most she expects is for him to maybe get her a bunch of roses every once-in-awhile. Big deal.

Seconding what dabitch said

And CitrusFreak--I am SO gunning for you dude--yeah: that's right--I've got your knuckle sandwich right here and it's got your name all over it. In fact--it's dieing to meet your lips as we speak... come on--make my day!

Seriously, this thread has become too funny for me to post without getting a bit hysterical, but it is interesting to see the reactions of other people... I'm wondering how much of these reactions are based on Cultural differences though?

Just curious: but did any one of you think that my sister is the typical eastern bride who doesn't do anything and is just very demanding of her man or something, cos I'm really confused here.

Maybe it was because I hadn't given much of a backstory, but still, to assume that I'm just wondering, ya know...

I don't imagine anyone imagines that your sister is someone who doesn't do anything ... probably just that if your brother-in-law is working 30 hour rotations, he is most likely feeling like a zombie who is lucky to get one foot in front of the other to make his way home and then back to work again - so it's sort of understandable that maybe he hasn't managed to do some of the sweet things he used to do. They'll work it out together, I'm sure. :)

I don't think anyone was making cultural assumptions about your sister, hadjiboy. We're just noting that the guy works 2-day shifts. At a hospital. That's really freaking hard. I'm sure your sister works really hard, too, and she does deserve some lovin from her man, but frankly, if my dude was working 2-day-ons, I would expect that loving to come in the form of "spending his 3-day-offs with me, rather than down at the bar with his friends". But that's our relationship, and I won't speak for anyone else's.

Maybe romance is dead in America, but hopefully it's replaced with companionship.

pi, dude, maybe you should be crass about things that aren't life-altering skin conditions. I didn't have vitiligo, but I did struggle with a deformity in middle/high school, and it's offensive to hadjiboy, his sister, and every person who felt ugly or was called ugly because of something they couldn't help.

Aw hadjiboy, I don't think people are like "OMG your sister is a terrible person" just that this is not really the way they would have handled things. Me? I love flowers, and if I wanted a bouquet I would go out and buy one. And if I wanted my husband to buy me one, I'd ask, but if he was too busy/tired, I'd get one myself.

It's just that the escalating bouquets seem like a pretty... I don't know? passive-aggressive? mean? way to go about things.

I agree with what lleachie said above about love languages.

I thought it was a funny story -- not really seeing the mean-spiritedness on your sister's part. It's a good thing she's only adding a bouquet each day, and not doubling them. That exponential growth will get you everytime. (See Legend of the Ambalappuzha Paal Payasam.)

Hadji, in all kindness, tell your sweet sister to grow. up.

My husband is busy-not as busy as her hubby-but very busy and hasn't bought me flowers in ages. So stinking what? I know he loves me.

Your sister knows whether or not her husband loves her. And on his schedule, I'm surprised he remembers to EAT much less anything else. Crap like that can put a wedge into even a very good marriage.

So tell her to buy herself a bouquet if she wants one, but quit buying into all these silly crap Hollywood-romance type expectations. Sheesh.

I have to agree with the others, hadji, and culture has nothing to do with it (but perhaps age might). It just seems a bit petty - real shared intimacy conveys far more romance than a bouquet (shortly dead), and with his work so energy-consuming his time and attention should be enough. There will be time aplenty for flowers when his residency is finished, and if she wants them in the meantime she can buy or grow her own.

I think I have the same specs.

(sidebar: I am so glad that mr. gaspode is a pathologist - his residency had sane hours and no overnight call.)

BRING IT HADJIBOY I CAN TAKE YOU ANY TIME YEAH WHAT NOW

But really, I am not at all suggesting anything about your sister other than "I don't think her idea about buying herself escalating numbers of bouquets of flowers until her husband gets the hint is the best idea in the whole world."

the typical eastern bride who doesn't do anything and is just very demanding of her man

I wasn't even aware of that stereotype. You learn something new every day.

But yeah, it seems passive aggressive. I mean if buying herself a bouquet of flowers will make her happy, yay! Go for it! But as a way of being like BUY ME FLOWERS ALREADY it doesn't seem like THE BEST IDEA IN THE WORLD. That's all! My opinion. I really liked dabitch's suggestions too.

I'm sure they're both very nice, very hard working people (it sure sounds like it anyway) and you are in no way required to DEFEND THEIR HONOR because I'm sure it remains perfectly intact. :)

hee I didn't know that stereotype either. Hadjiboy, she's beautiful and sounds like a immensely cool woman.

Hadjiboy, I well remember 30 hour shifts and am so glad that I'm no longer part of that world. It is downright grinding!!!

But, you can help your sister by informing her husband to set up a regular account with interflora, he can ever set in up to randomly send flowers, so no matter how exhausted he is, he comes home to a BIG SMILE!!!

(For anyone that thinks this lacks romance all I can say is try the aforementioned 30 hour shifts on a six-week rota and then talk to me about romance.)

I thought this was gonna be some weird Indian spin on "Yo Momma..." jokes.

You have a good lookin' sister, hadj. You can tell her Doohickie said so.

I'm not sure it's really passive-aggressive, since she told him what she was doing. Which means it's not really hinting or underhanded or any of those things.

In any event, I'm glad she's getting her flowers. I once had a male friend in high school compliment me by saying that I seemed like the kind of woman who'd go out and buy my own flowers when I wanted them, rather than waiting around hoping someone else would do it for me. :-)

hadjiboy, I didn't know about that stereotype, either! And, frankly, I admire her strategy in a way -- just wondered how all those bouquets were going to find a home.

As for flowers, that was never part of my family's love language, so I didn't grow up seeing "bouquet=romance". My dad's form of romance was building my mother an herb garden and seeing that the back porch deck she always wanted was made a reality when she started ailing (but before we knew why). This May, the family is having a memorial service for her on the deck, and I am going to rejuvenate the herb garden (because Dad didn't know about mint's unfortunate tendencies and it took over) in her memory.

Mom's primary love language was verbal -- I take after her. Gingerkitty is not so verbal, but he's SOOOO thoughtful ("I saw that the latest volume of your favorite manga was out at Borders so I picked it up for you.")

I totally agree with bunnyfire.


Someone hold me.


I be ascared.