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19 March 2008

Sensitive/awkward question posed within... →[More:] off the front page, just in case.

How do I go about telling the gf that she needs a new hat? She picked up this sun hat at a thrift store, and it's ridiculous. It's about six inches taller than it should be. It makes her look like a stunted farm laborer who, you know, couldn't afford the right size hat.

I realize she can wear whatever she wants, yes. BUT. This hat, really, is over much. It is not a good look. And I'm tempted to laugh at her when she wears it. And that's why I want to say something, because laughing at her would be worse.

So, I'm not really always very good with tact. How does one go about phrasing the suggestion to lose the big galumphy hat?
post by: mudpuppie at: 16:10 | 64 comments
On a new date (1st or 2nd or something), I threw out a guy's undershirts at his house. They were filthy! I said, oh hell no. You could try that.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 19 March | 16:15
Honestly, I think you should just laugh at her when she wears it and see what happens. Sometimes that happens to me and I realize the person is right, other times it happens and I realize the person has bad taste. Reveal yourself to her.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 19 March | 16:16
One could, in purely hypothetical partner-with-bad-hat situations, buy said partner a new hat.

Or, again, in purely hypothetical bad hat situations, say something like, "I'm not really sure about that hat...." and kind of trail off in a concerned, thoughtful way. This should probably be followed by a remark, made in a "I have not previously been studying your hat at all and this only occurred to me just now, when I suddenly and inexplicably thought about your hat" tone of voice, concerning a possibly negative aspect of the hat, phrased in a very speculative and diplomatic and endearingly-bumbling way, such as "I think maybe it's the brim? Something funky there? Or.... hmmmm, just not quite sure, but it's making you look kind of.... not as good as usual."

Neither method is guaranteed to work, even when they are combined, not that I have any firsthand knowledge of such things. Ever.
posted by occhiblu 19 March | 16:18
I would laugh and say, that hat is crazy ugly. Or, in a dry tone: I don't know about that hat. But, that's just me. Of course, if she is very sensitive and y'all don't kid like that, maybe you could buy her another hat and gush and tell her how much it suits her.

on preview, my comments are similar to TPS and occhi's
posted by LoriFLA 19 March | 16:20
"Girl, when you wear that hat it looks like your neck threw up and Donatella Versace tried to dress it up with a feather"
posted by stynxno 19 March | 16:20
I'm only half serious, but you could "accidentally" sit on it, then apologize profusely and offer to buy her a new one...
posted by Specklet 19 March | 16:24
The occasional comment has been made about the hat already. The first was on its entry into our lives. Like, when it crossed the threshold. Others have been made on subsequent wearings of the hat. So it's not entirely a secret that my opinion of the hat is on the negative side.

I'm trying not to be passive-aggressive, which is my baseline state. (It could get crushed pretty easily, is all I'm saying.)

All I can think to say is, "You know, I really hate that hat. Here, try this one." *offers much more attractive hat* Problem is, I've already done that too, so it'd have to be the second time, and that seems controlling.

But maybe "hmmmm, just not quite sure, but it's making you look kind of.... not as good as usual" is a good way to go.
posted by mudpuppie 19 March | 16:25
My wife has handled a situation like this by disappearing the offending object. The one thing you should do if you disappear it though is mention it. In our case, it was a white laundry basket which my wife hid in hopes of later throwing it away. I probably would have forgotten about it.
posted by drezdn 19 March | 16:26
Ahhh. If you've already made your dislike of the hat known, and the bad-hat situation has not changed, you probably either need to prepare for the "It's me or the hat" final show-down ultimatum, or resign yourself to bad-hatitude.
posted by occhiblu 19 March | 16:27
Tell her she's all hat and no cattle.

More seriously: you've made your feelings clear, and she's still rocking the hat. Is this really the kind of battle you want to pick?
posted by box 19 March | 16:28
jinx, occhi!
posted by box 19 March | 16:29
Is this really the kind of battle you want to pick?

See, that's just the thing. I don't want to to be a battle. If I were wearing clown shoes that she thought were really ludicrous, but that I thought were the epitome of cool, I'd a) want to know that maybe I looked kinda funny to other people, and b) I'd want to change to footwear that didn't embarrass her.

So if it were me, I'd want to know how she felt. And it's possible that my previous jokey comments sounded too much like jokes. So I'm wondering how to say, without starting a battle, "You know, sweetie, that hat looks really silly on you."

Which is maybe what I should say. Or maybe not. Like I said, I have a tin ear for tact.
posted by mudpuppie 19 March | 16:34
"You know, sweetie, that hat looks really silly on you" actually sounds pretty good to me. There might be something worthwhile in differentiating between hating the hat-as-hat, and hating the hat-as-accessory; that is, it's not just that you dislike the hat, it's that you dislike the way the hat makes her look.
posted by occhiblu 19 March | 16:37
Well, how does she tell you/let you know when something looks silly? Use the same strategy.

No, don't even say that you've never been told this...
posted by mightshould 19 March | 16:40
If bringing it up and even offering an alternative has not made the point than I would just let it go. Sometimes people like stuff I don't.
posted by arse_hat 19 March | 16:42
At the risk of a regrettable pun, arse_hat has it.
posted by bmarkey 19 March | 16:45
I'm with occhiblu. Put your money where your taste is and buy her another hat that you like and you think she might like. If you can't find a topper that fits both requirements, then you have a more serious problem. Or just avoid eye contact to prevent seeing the offending hat; and when she asks "why are you always looking at my boobs?" answer honestly.
posted by wendell 19 March | 16:46
Simple. Put out a hit on the hat. Or arrange for one of your animals to shit in the hat. Or pay a homeless guy to start following her around chanting "Hey, hey! Ho, ho! That sad chapeau has got to go!"
posted by Atom Eyes 19 March | 16:49
This thread is useless without pictures.
posted by bunnyfire 19 March | 16:52
Suggest she send it to this guy. (watch 'til the end to see what fate could possibly await it. in the end.)

I'd go with "Howd'ya feel let's us go find you another hat, my baby?" And when she says, "Why? do you really hate this one?", you go, "So. Much."

posted by taz 19 March | 16:56
(so is this thread written in rhyming slang?)
posted by cillit bang 19 March | 17:02
Aw, you people, making it out like it was going to be a big deal or something!

I went for the pointing-out-not-hotness approach, coupled with a description of the silliness factor. We negotiated the use of another hat in the house. (Its drawback: too green. Benefit: hotness not mitigated by greenness.)

We then had a quick chat about hat baggage (or, more specifically, baggage associated with pointing out the silliness factor of things like hats, which in a previous relationship of mine would have led to a very long and ugly confrontation), and got that all resolved.

She then good-naturedly tried to put the offending hat onto the cat.

She's pretty cool.
posted by mudpuppie 19 March | 17:04
Print out this thread and accidentally leave it laying around? Like in the bathroom (if you have any other reading in there)?
posted by danf 19 March | 17:22
I am really curious about what this hat looks like. I admit that I am having a reaction akin to this:

Wondering of there are other things about her that you want to fix, or change. Not saying that there are.

Also, my reaction is based on the fact that my wife often encourages me not to wear something that offends her (and there seems to be many items, actually), and that only makes me want to wear it more.
posted by danf 19 March | 17:29
No. Honestly, it's just a really bad hat. She's working here today, so I can't take a picture. I'll try to tomorrow, though.
posted by mudpuppie 19 March | 17:31
Yay! Mudpuppie. Glad you resolved the hat issue. That was easy.

Husband's goatee and mustache was getting a little hairy to say the least. I don't particularly like a ton of facial hair. So I said, "honey, you should cut it down short and stubbly and have the slightly stubbly beard like Jason Stathum. I like that look on you." Next thing I know he comes out with his hair short and his facial hair short like Jason's. That's what I'm talkin' about!

Also, my reaction is based on the fact that my wife often encourages me not to wear something that offends her (and there seems to be many items, actually), and that only makes me want to wear it more.

My husband does this too. He has these Boston Red Sox sneakers. Yes. Red Sox sneakers. His parents bought them for him for Christmas. They are hideous. I told him so. I said they were BoBo. He laughed. He still wears them. He wore them today, actually. They don't bother me. I'll still be seen with him, but those sneakers are bad.
posted by LoriFLA 19 March | 17:37
Say what?
≡ Click to see image ≡
posted by Pips 19 March | 17:39
What Arsey said.
posted by SassHat 19 March | 17:51
How does one go about phrasing the suggestion to lose the big galumphy hat?


"Lose the big galumphy hat."
posted by pompomtom 19 March | 18:07
Eponysterical?
posted by Specklet 19 March | 18:33
Man, you [blank]hat people are really touchy about this.
posted by mudpuppie 19 March | 18:44
Could you post a picture of the hat?
posted by pieisexactlythree 19 March | 18:48
Oops, just read the bit about why you can't photograph it today. Anyhow, when you do, I can 'shop it onto Richard Dean Anderson, and you can say "look, even McGyver can't make this look good."
posted by pieisexactlythree 19 March | 18:50
Aw, you people, making it out like it was going to be a big deal or something!

Man, you [blank]hat people are really touchy about this.

WTF? Who's the OP here?


posted by chewatadistance 19 March | 19:50
The sarcastic and self-deprecating [blank]puppie person, as far as I can tell.
posted by occhiblu 19 March | 19:53
Here's what you do. It's simple, AND effective.

Next time she dons the hat, punch her REALLY hard in the face. Each subsequent time she dons the hat, do the same.

It's the only way that she'll learn.

/slowly realizing that this humour may not be apparent to anyone who's been affected by domestic violence.
//hoping it's taken in the light and silly spirit it was meant.
///off to REALLY punch someone.
posted by richat 19 March | 20:13
When somoene I'm dating has made some unfortunate sartorial or grooming choice, I generally make some descriptive comment I know will get to them.

One time an ex of mine got brassy (almost greenish) blond streaks put in his dark brown hair. They were poorly done and he just wasn't the type to be able to carry off highlights anyway. I made some comment about his Backstreet Boys look. He never put streaks in his hair again.
posted by Orange Swan 19 March | 20:30
See, i would have just gone:
"That's an ugly hat. Can we go get a new hat?"
And she might go:
"Fuck you, i love this hat."
or
"What's wrong with this hat?"
or
"Really? Huh."

Goes on and on really.
posted by ethylene 19 March | 20:33
Talking people out of bad facial/hair is much harder.
And it just has to be wrong to bother.
posted by ethylene 19 March | 20:35
Man, you [blank]hat people are really touchy about this.

WTF? Who's the OP here?


The [blank] wasn't intended as a substitute for an expletive. It was meant as a poke at arse_hat and SassHat, aka the Hat People, who both came down fairly firmly on the side of letting the hat be. I just figured they were looking out for their own, and were sensitive towards questions of hat taste. Sorry if it came across any other way.

And seriously, if y'all could see this hat....
posted by mudpuppie 19 March | 20:47
Take a picture of you in the hat, then mail it to me or someone and they can take a picture in the hat, and it goes on and on...
posted by ethylene 19 March | 20:49
I bet it's one sassy-ass hat.
posted by occhiblu 19 March | 20:51
Dude, I am so about hat kidnapping and photo-blogging.
posted by brina 19 March | 21:16
Until I get paid, I'm too short of funds to be mailing an ugly ass hat to anyone. But when I get paid, I'll send it to whomever wants it, provided they promise to send it on to someone else. Along the line, maybe it'll turn out that someone totally ROCKS this hat. (I can't imagine it, but I'll allow for the possibility.)

Turns out the price tag is still inside. It's a $3-hat!
posted by mudpuppie 19 March | 21:32
As a guy married for 23 years, my advice is to get used to the hat. You will not always love everything about your sweety, but if it doesn't hurt her or anyone else, you can at least accept her as she is. She will love you all the more for it.
posted by Doohickie 19 March | 22:09
"Man, you [blank]hat people are really touchy about this." Damn right! It's our very soul...
posted by arse_hat 19 March | 22:09
I thought you were going to tell her you asked the experts at a hat forum and they told you it was a bad hat.

You know. The hat forum. [Metac]hat.
posted by stilicho 19 March | 22:30
It's the French cat forum Meta Chat.
posted by arse_hat 19 March | 22:37
Oh oh oh, you should send the hat to Ardiril. I hear he's looking for one.
posted by occhiblu 19 March | 22:41
As a guy married for 23 years, my advice is to get used to the hat. You will not always love everything about your sweety, but if it doesn't hurt her or anyone else, you can at least accept her as she is. She will love you all the more for it.

I get all this. And I'm maybe starting to feel a little defensive, maybe.

There's a lot you accept. Big stuff. There's a lot you let slide. And there's a lot you expect the other person to let slide, and to accept.

So when it comes down to the presence of a goofy hat (and/or the awkwardness created by the goofy hat), and when it can be an easy thing to fix, why not try to fix it?

And we did. It's all fine. The goofy hat problem is solved. There is no lingering animus. The hat is no longer an issue. (Although it is still on the couch.)

I totally understand the "let it go" advice. It's good advice. But in this case, getting rid of the hat was the right course of action. And I was just looking for a way to do it that wasn't ugly or harsh. And, as of this moment, all is well.

(Also, I specifically didn't ask "Should I tell her to get rid of that hat?" I asked how to. I know this isn't AskMe, but still.)

And in summary: Seriously, people, if you had only seen this hat.
posted by mudpuppie 19 March | 23:25
This is why i know mudpuppie and i could never hang out. She'd be embarrassed of me in my ten sizes too big dragging on the floor gold lame gowns and clown shoes.
posted by ethylene 19 March | 23:28
"Also, I specifically didn't ask "Should I tell her to get rid of that hat?" I asked how to."

You are right and I should not have waded in here. Sorry.
posted by arse_hat 19 March | 23:49
It's not 'hanging out' that's the issue. If it were just about hanging out, it would be moot. If you and I were unofficially living together, and very officially sleeping together, and you walked around the house and yard in ten-sizes-too-big lame gowns and clown shoes, and then you didn't recognize the not-hot factor, I'd probably point it out.

And another point that occurred to me in the shower: When you're married for 20 years, that's one thing. Having dated for between 5 and 6 months, that's another. You're still in the "wow, you're really great" stage. But at that point you're also approaching the "Um, that hat is really dorky" stage. And that's okay. It's a transition period. I asked how to approach it nicely. If I'd done it on my own, it could have been disastrous. So, yay me.

You've all been there. You don't fool me. We all have our respective accessory hang-ups.
posted by mudpuppie 19 March | 23:50
And man, 50+ comments? I'm sorry for instigating such a storm. It really only is one online. The real-life stuff is all cool. Sorry.
posted by mudpuppie 19 March | 23:59
What if the clown shoes made me happy and i just wore them in the house for funny dancing and not around you?

Are you going to deface the hat?
posted by ethylene 20 March | 00:01
I cannot predict the fate of the hat, nor could I predict the fate of the hypothetical clown-shoe-wearing dancing ethylene.
posted by mudpuppie 20 March | 00:05
What are you apologising for, mudpuppie? You asked a question, you got an answer (and then some), everyone ended up happy at the end. It's all good from where I sit (which is on a train currently traversing the Brisbane River, so that may skew my perspective).
posted by dg 20 March | 01:08
But, but, we still haven't seen a picture of the hat :(
posted by jtron 20 March | 02:01
Was it a fedora?
posted by ooga_booga 20 March | 02:05
I totally want to see a picture of this hat. With or without someone in it.
posted by TrishaLynn 20 March | 09:43
We really need to see that hat now. You have a camera. You have internet access. You have flickr. The hat is there. GF will have to shower, go to the bathroom, make a beer run. . there will be a chance.
posted by danf 20 March | 11:12
I would destroy it and frame the chickens.
posted by King of Prontopia 20 March | 12:07
There's nothing wrong with letting a loved one know you're not into something she's wearing. I run stuff past my wife all the time, with the reminder that she's gonna have to look at it more than I will.

In terms of technique, over time it just gets easier. Kay's picked up on the fact that if I don't like something, I tend to stare at it dazedly, as if trying to make sense of the whole situation, so she'll do us all a favor and change it out. Sometimes she loves the thing more than she hates my awkward stare, so it stays. Seems fair.
posted by eamondaly 20 March | 12:22
All that said, TTIWWP.
posted by eamondaly 20 March | 12:23
← Tell me something that made you happy this week. || Eamon! →

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