It's after midnight here, which means that today is →[More:]my ninth sober anniversary.

This last year, a number of people I know in AA - some friends, others just faces from the meetings - have gone back drinking again, a couple of them with more than 20 years' sobriety behind them.

Each time I heard about someone drinking again, or saw someone just short of his 23rd AA birthday drink again and then not be able to stop it brought up a lot of feelings for me. It wasn't so much thinking I may drink again too, but rather a realistic reminder that sobriety doesn't happen all by itself and it doesn't say firmly rooted without vigilance. If I forget, I too am a possible candidate.

I have no definitive answers about these occurrences except for one. If there was any possibility of some kind of resolution to a problem, drinking again completely erases that possibility. There is no problem that isn't made worse by drinking, if you’re an alcoholic.

No one could ever reason me sober and if I didn't take care to try to live a sober life, I'm pretty sure no one would be able to reason me out of a drink either.

Staying sober isn't just about wanting sobriety with one's mind, it's about wanting sobriety with one's heart. I think that's it. What getting off the margin of AA and making AA part of myself is all about.

I have always had difficulty understanding why two people seem to do exactly the same things, but one stays sober and the other gets drunk again. Is it because just going to meetings, going through the Steps, setting up, being available for service, making new friends, and reading the literature are robotic actions unless that person really wants sobriety with all their heart in addition to their intellect? And I wonder if that heart-want isn't what keeps people wanting to stay sober even in the face of major crises in their lives?

If so, I don't know when I crossed the line, wanting to stay sober with my heart in addition to wanting it for all the intellectual reasons I had. But whenever it was, I'm glad it happened because there have been many times in my sobriety that at the end of the day, all I had to show for my life at that point, was that I had stayed sober. The "what's the use" insanity can creep in through the intellect during those times, but since my (limited) intellect has never been able to dictate to my heart, sobriety survived. Heart-Want won over Mind-Want.

All I know is that today, and for a number of days leading up to this one, going back to 27 February 1999, I have wanted to stay sober more than I have wanted to drink.

Thank you for sharing this journey with me.