MetaChat - What's the most worthless thing you've ever purchased?

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22 February 2008

What's the most worthless thing you've ever purchased? →[More:]This is a little embarrassing, but when I was in my teens, and first started getting hair on my body--I didn't like it one bit. So, I had the bright idea of shaving it off, but soon, that became too painful, when the hair would start growing back, and poke you everywhere. I didn't want to try out wax or anything because I frankly don't think I would've had the patience for it. I could've used one of those hair removing solutions but I bet I wouldn't have had enough money to buy all the bottles to remove all the hair (I wanted every single strand of it removed from my body; I think it was a result of being abused by a guy who was really hairy). So, anyway, I saved up and bought what I thought would be the solution to my problem. A Braun Silk Epil Epilator.

This was being heavily advertised at the time ('95,'96) especially in Cosmopolitan, which was like a bible for me back then (yeah--I was a weird kid), and I thought it was the greatest invention since sliced bread. So, I save up the 2000 Rupees, which is quite a sum, for me, especially at that time, go to a fancy department store, tell the clerk I'm looking for what I want (I tell him I'm buying it for my sister of course), pay the 2000 odd rupees (that's like, maybe, 50 dollars), and get the heck out of there. Rush home, tear off the packaging, hold it in my hands (smiling at how wonderful it looks) plug it in, and--struggle not to scream out in pain as the damn thing starts to pluck out my hair from the roots. I stop it immediately, and look at the instructions, to see if I'm doing something wrong--the model in the ad always looked so peaceful while doing it, with this innocent smile on her face (as if she'd discovered the secret of a life time), showing off her smooth, silky skin through a thinly veiled negligee), and here I was--in the depths of agony, and I'd just ripped out maybe a couple of follicles... there was no way I was going to be able to use this thing for my entire body, but god dammit, I'd just spent good money on it, and I wasn't going to let that go to waste. So I sit there, and proceed to push it up my legs, and thighs, and arms, and after about a couple of hours, I'm done with it. And I wonder--how in the hell am I going to go through all of this again???

I try a couple of weeks later, but it's just as painful as it was before, so I give up on my legs and only keep it for the arms. But then my sister starts getting her arms waxed, and one day when I mention to her that I do the same thing to my arms--she gives me this look--like--what is "wrong" with you. I want to tell her No, it's not my fault--it's that guy who put his hands down my pant and showed me his hairy dick, but I can't, so I just keep my mouth shut like a stupid jerk, and never take out the Braun Silk Epilator again.

It's still in my cupboard, way in the back, in it's original packaging (I asked my sister if she wanted it, but she declined), and the cosmopolitans are there too, each and every one of them that I'd bought for those 4 years, when I was going through that phase--but the worst thing that I could've bought during that time--was the epilator.

I should've just gotten a Gillette automatic razor. That would've been cool, and I could've still have been using it.

Oh well, you live--you learn.

post by: hadjiboy at: 00:52 | 28 comments

posted by viachicago 22 February | 01:14

I stack of "ukiyo-e" playing cards from ebay. Because they weren't ukiyo-e at all.

posted by puke & cry 22 February | 01:24

I feel for you hadjiboy. I bought one of those damn Epilator torture devices when I was a teenager and I still wake up screaming some nights as I think about trying it out.

I think it would be no surprise how many people have one of them lurking in the back of a wardrobe somewhere.

posted by gomichild 22 February | 01:33

Dr Scholl's shoes. Complete shit.

posted by arse_hat 22 February | 01:40

Fancy lighters.

posted by sperose 22 February | 01:42

One of the things I'm coming to appreciate about MetaChat is how the question on the front page will be related, but only tangentially, to the story shared on the inside.

Hadjiboy, I feel like I just read a micro short story, one where an entire plot replete with characterization, is expressed in 500 words or less. Seriously, it's profound. You have quite a narrative voice. And some amazing stories.

Thank you for sharing your story.

posted by mosessis 22 February | 02:02

The Corning stock I bought with a cash gift from my father. What I've learned works best for me (but don't recommend for anyone else:YMMV) is to hang on to what I've been given and their spin-offs...though I consider buying my place a transfer of assets rather than throwing money away. I still hope that I'll be able to enjoy it soon.

posted by brujita 22 February | 02:32

As I said, I follow the daily business section......and don't consider myself the go-to for tips.

posted by brujita 22 February | 02:34

Agreeing with mosessis! Very touching story, sad but funny.

When I was 12 or so, my mother wouldn't let me shave my legs, and of course at that age I was pretty sure I must look like a monstrous Yeti with my horrible, hairy gams (I didn't; the hair was blond and very fine/light, but you know, - 12), so I secretly purchased some Nair, and waited for my parents to go out for an evening. They did, I used the stuff - and the stench was overpowering. And lingering. Wow, did it linger. It was the middle of winter, and I opened all the windows trying to get the smell out, but it just wouldn't go away.

So they came home to a red-faced daughter and a freezing cold house that smelled like somebody probably died in it a few weeks earlier. Busted! So that wasn't a great purchase either, hadjiboy. :)

posted by taz 22 February | 02:53

Scary story in parts, and not just because those epilators hurt like hell, or at least everyone else seems to think so. I'm just peeved at them for not working. I have an odd relationship with pain, sure sure, it pinches but I don't mind as long as it works - which it doesn't.
I have one too, from the mid eighties. I've been eyeing the recent developments in this area, there's a new one out now shaped like a heart but of course you can't try it in the shop so I suspect that it will be just as useless as the eighties one. Waxing is effective but difficult to do on your own, before you know it you've overheated the stuff and are causing mild burns and then spilling wax all over the carpet and no matter how you pull you only get one third of the hairs off I don't know how the pros manage! Shaving sucks because it makes everything worse.
Oh oh, I know a good one - my ex was ashamed of his caveman General tufts (that's the tufts of hair on your shoulders that make you look like a descendant from some sort of caveman General - back then with no clothes the hairiest guy won!). So he bought a strange device that had a needle, a battery and a tweezer. The idea was that you turn it on, "earth it" by him touching a metal part of the battery device bit, then I'd jab the electrified needle into his hairsack and pull slowly with the tweezer as the dead-by-the-root hair came out. They all grew back within a week and his toes curled up in pain. Useless.

posted by dabitch 22 February | 03:27

The epilady I had didn't survive anything. I tried it after my mom and sister did, and it touched me for all of maybe five seconds before I broke it by sending it against the wall as hard as I could.

Screw that, honestly. That was terrible and wrong.

posted by Sil 22 February | 03:40

The kind of wax I use on my armpits is getting harder and harder to find. These days what you see in the stores is all sugary or liquid or otherwise not strong enough to yank those hairs out. I need the solid-at-room-temp, resin-loaded, don't-heat-it-too-high, don't-need-any-of-those-papers kind of industrial strength wax.

So I bought one of these devices within the last year. Used it a couple of times on the legs, OUCH. Way ouchier than wax, probably because it's a slow and prolonged process.

I do still use it on my pits though. It's not as bad as the ineffective wax, and it's much better than shaving.

What I've bought that has been worthless? Hm... Fondue pots. I had a fondue party once, and now have three fondue pots, ever used since. And I've received more as gifts since then, which I was able to surreptitiously return.

Maybe I should make some fondue.

posted by Stewriffic 22 February | 07:17

I once tried these pre-waxed strips, which you heat up with your hands, rip apart, then put on your skin.

1) I don't think they were meant for legs, as one package only did about half a leg.
2) The first few skin-rip-offs were OK, but for some reason, the pain got increasingly worse with each attempt. Pulling that last strip off was probably one of the hardest things I've every done.

I stick with shaving.

posted by muddgirl 22 February | 08:30

I had an Epilady as a teen. My mom bought it for me for Christmas when they were all the rage. I think I used it once. It sat in a drawer for years.

I could fill the entire front page of Metachat with the stupid things I've bought.

The kind of wax I use on my armpits is getting harder and harder to find. These days what you see in the stores is all sugary or liquid or otherwise not strong enough to yank those hairs out. I need the solid-at-room-temp, resin-loaded, don't-heat-it-too-high, don't-need-any-of-those-papers kind of industrial strength wax. I use the same kind. Is it SurgiWax? I find that I can only find it at certain drugstores. I love SurgiWax for the face. It's just like poetic wax. I found about it on AskMe. My sister and I are addicted. It's the best.

My mother is an intelligent, sensible person. If you had to describe her, the words vain or self-absorbed would not come to mind. But, she is into beauty treatments and products hard-core. She is obsessed with looking young. She is beautiful and looks much younger than her years and takes excellent care of herself. I honestly think she is afraid of growing older, or at least terrified of looking old. She wouldn't be surprised I was writing this about her. We have had this discussion on fear of aging many times. About five or more years ago she commented that she wanted a Suzanne Somers facial exerciser, the FaceMaster. (YouTube) I knew it was bunk. She knew it was bunk, deep down. I guess she was holding out against hope that this device would actually do something. I told her I would go in on half for her birthday. We haven't exchanged on birthdays for eons, but I wanted to split the cost with her on this, for some reason. Probably so my father couldn't ask, WTF? It wasn't even that pricey, but any price is too much. I bet she only used it once. Try to top that stupid purchase!

posted by LoriFLA 22 February | 08:37

Dude, hadjiboy, I love you, man. Don't ever change. That was a great story and I feel like I know you better for having read it.

posted by Eideteker 22 February | 11:50

yeah, what Eideteker said.

hadjiboy, you could also become a swimmer or a road bike racer; those guy unashamedly shave / laser remove most of their body hair for purposes of sport; it's actually kind of a tradition. Swimmers do it for speed, nuf said. Bike racers, well most of it is pure unadulterated vanity but there's a definite hygienic element there, too (road rash heals faster, doesn't get infected, fewer saddlesores, much easier to take leg massage, etc.) Velodrome (track bike) racers pretty much take it all off, too; my coach is Latino (translation: hairy) so he had all the hair permanently removed from his legs AND arms due to all the crashes. So you could always take up a sport like that if you feel the need to justify anything to your sister :]

Oh man, I've bought so much useless stuff. I'm gonna have to go with bridesmaid dresses. WTF, it's an ugly-ass dress that doesn't go with anything, costs a fortune, and you'll never wear it again! Oh wait, but my friends and I have done Bridesmaid Hikes, those are fun! Good way to tear the hell out of an old bridesmaid or prom dress you're never going to wear again: go on a long, rocky, muddy hike so you can justify tossing it or turning it into rags. Plus the looks the group gets from other hikers are priceless.

posted by lonefrontranger 22 February | 12:13

Most useless thing I ever bought? Maternity thongs.

Great story, hadjiboy.

posted by lysdexic 22 February | 12:21

I agree with the consensus that you're very articulate and intriguing to read, hadjiboy. I'm sorry you had to go through that kind of childhood event (which is more common than many people would like to think). To turn your reaction to it as a tragicomic episode is a special form of alchemy, and a great survival mechanism. And makes for good reading.

That being said, the most useless thing I've ever bought? Hmm...black polkadotted miniskirt. Let's just say peer pressure led me to believe it would look sexier on me than it really did (unless you LIKE the "Ricki Lake as Tracy Turnblad in Hairspray" look.)

posted by lleachie 22 February | 12:40

posted by lleachie 22 February | 12:42

I apologize for the double post!

posted by lleachie 22 February | 12:43

You really are a good writer, hadjiboy, and your words are much easier on the eyes since you adopted line breaks and paragraphs ;)

I'd say the epilady was not worthless at all, for many reasons, not the least being it helped turn you into the person you are today, as trite as that sounds.

posted by iconomy 22 February | 12:45

(((hadjiboy)))

For me it's usually some craft item I get all enthused about, use once or twice to make something and then it sits there. Or craft teaching kits/books - How to Knit a Scarf in Five Minutes! I think I have two of those hanging around.

PS: I had wanted one of those Epilady things. I'm so glad ~~y'all were the guinea pigs~~ I didn't chump into one.

posted by deborah 22 February | 13:36

An engagement ring. But not for the reasons you may come up with.

posted by Doohickie 22 February | 14:27

unless you LIKE the "Ricki Lake as Tracy Turnblad in Hairspray" look

I like that look.

Hm... most useless thing I bought? Well, the shirt that didn't fit. The dress that was shorter than I would ever wear. Shoes not my size. (see a pattern here?)

And then, stuff like novelty kitchen shit I'll never use. Today I almost bought a hot dog cooker shaped like a dalmation. I had to run away.

posted by kellydamnit 22 February | 15:38

I love my epilator. It's a little one, more like electric tweezers.

posted by essexjan 22 February | 18:18

An old car. Actually, I "bought" it off my mom, so she could get a better used car. (Backstory - times were hard, she was a single parent, and I was fresh out of high school. I had money in savings from my job, so I gave her $1000.00 towards a new used car. She gave me the older car.) I gave the car to my first "serious" boyfriend (I was in no hurry to get my license). He planned to "fix it up", but really it just sat in the parking lot of his sister's apartment building. He broke up with me four or five months later. I never even got to ride in it once I bought it. Stupid teenage luuuuvvve.

posted by redvixen 22 February | 20:23

A cock ring. (really. it was in a vending machine in a diner men's room. Never had the heart to put it on, but I displayed the box on a knick-knack shelf for years. I lost it when I moved, I think.)

posted by jonmc 22 February | 20:42

The microscope I stole money from my father to buy. Nothing but enlarged blur. (I hoped to see blood cells.)

The blue pogo-stick I never could get to work.

And, on a more adult level, titty-tassles. About as successful as the pogo-stick.

posted by Pips 22 February | 23:58

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