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At work: feeling kind of stressed and inadequate. It'll pass, I'm sure, but bleah.
In real life: great. :) Things are good at home and with the family; the cats are even getting along, a little bit. Also, inspired by one of mygothlaundry's recent blog posts, the partner and I are going bowling tonight for the first time in like 13 years. This should be hilarious.
Home sick today. Up and down all night with tummy concerns. But I think I needed this day mentally as much as physically.
Right at this moment things are good. But recently I've realized that I'm worn out. Everything that happened last year (bad stretch of time marriage-wise but we're much better now), coupled with Mr. V's diagnosis of cancer and our fight to get him the medication the oncologist wants him on, and normal life with four kids (three of whom are teens) have just exhausted me. I didn't even realize it until recently. And of course I feel guilty for feeling tired and mentally shot. My family and friends kept asking me how was I handling everything - they kept calling me "Wonder Woman". I think I was just on auto-pilot. I don't even know if the word exhausted covers it.
I'm good, I think. There's a lot going on in my life at the moment and I need to watch my own tendency to go all turtle/possum/insert animal-who-freezes-or-hides -instead-of-taking-action-when-confronted-with-danger here instead of coping. Nothing really terrible, but a lot of stuff that requires my attention. So I need to be mindful. But generally, you know, I feel pretty good. Things are okay. We're all going to make it. I've come to the conclusion that the world runs on faith and duct tape and that's okay, but sometimes you need to remember not to pick at the duct tape.
My life is fun and tumultuous in equal doses right now. I've been *really* busy at work with this audit project. The mister is back in school part-time, which has been simultaneously awesome and stressful. We've been doing as much as we can together and both of us have been good about making 'date' time for each other. He's the first person (including my family) that I've ever learned how to truly communicate with, and it feels so important that I just had to mention it. We talk TO each other, not AT each other, and yea ok that's a cliche and all but I just can't tell you what that means or how big a difference it makes.
Work... omg. So, remember I posted about a resume thingie a little bit ago? Right. Well the IT manager has been pushing me to apply when they had some openings come up in their dept., and that can't be a bad thing, since he's the one who'd do the hiring. I was like... IT? hmmm. me likey computers, okay. But the truth is I have zero education and next to no practical experience there. Soo... I threw the resume over the wall, and hey, cool! I have an interview next Thursday. Fingers and toes crossed :]
I've come to the conclusion that the world runs on faith and duct tape and that's okay, but sometimes you need to remember not to pick at the duct tape.
woah. mgl, that's some seriously profound shit there, mind if I borrow it as a sigline?
Lately I look in the mirror sometimes and think, "I look like a mom," but I'm not one.
I'm scared to ride my new bike.
I feel fat.
I'm sick of being single... But I refuse to settle.
On the plus side, I made a cute little boat in my stained glass class last night, and now it's hanging in my window.
There are actually a lot of plusses. I really have very little to complain about. I have good friends, good family, a good career, my health and much else. I am really very, very lucky.
I'm currently recovering from last night's diphen and deciding if I should eat something before the inevitable shopping trip with my mother. Which will almost certainly lead to her spending money that she doesn't really have to spend.
(And me wanting so many pretty things that I don't need. The internet is worse for it though. Damn not having interests or friends.)
I think I'm in the beginning of an upswing, but I don't want to get complacent. The days are getting longer, I've lost the holiday weight, and I'm actually excited about not smoking as opposed to just grinding through it. I do need to focus on some projects and get stuff done - doctors appts, paperwork, $, that sort of thing. While I'm a bit bored at the general moment, I was so busy for so long, I still don't mind.
Underslept due to reading Minette Walters until 2.30am. So, tired, but otherwise life is great, and I have nothing at all to complain about and everything to rejoice in, so I do. Sending all my good vibes to everyone who needs them ~*whoosh*~.
And I was HOT in a coat and t-shirt today, and my wattle is flowering (bright yellow balls of fluff), so global warming or no it feels like spring.
Mildly hungover (accidentally poured my evening whiskey a little stouter than usual), was woken up at 3:30 this morning for a work support call, and then again at five by my kid. Exhausted. Now have to go to physical therapy and get beaten up and run on a treadmill.
Even though it's kind of taboo to say this as an expatriate, I'm getting a bit tired of this place. Don't get me wrong - I love my students, my colleagues are great, the city and the wider area have a lot to offer (last weekend I had a great time combing a miles-long, nearly-deserted beach for bits of amber, for example). But with the months-long-grey-autumny weather we've had, the annoying short-term professional plateau I've reached, and a bunch of lame admin buffoonery at work - I'm ready to move on from this job (which is really the only reason I live here).
Applications are out for positions next fall; I'll be trying to teach somewhere way, way sunnier and with a language I can actually speak; the dream is Andalucia but anywhere that doesn't have the latitude of Juneau (sorry Juneau-istas!) should be better for my mental health.
I just have to set the car-of-my-life on cruise control for a few months; it's tough when your internal speed and the speed limit of everyone else around you are so different.
I would also like to admit that when I don't have deep interpersonal intrigue and drama going on (which I don't right now) - I miss it. Another addiction, I suppose.
I feel good (dun nuh dun nuh dun nuh nuh), I knew that I would (dun nuh dun nuh dun nuh nuh). Work has slowed down to a reasonable pace, and now it's the weekend and there's a meetup Saturady and I have a theatre double header on Sunday- an NYU student production followed by a dinner cabaret.
I am... pretty well. I'm kind of stressed about job applications, because I'm applying for faculty positions and I'm still not 100% sure that academia is what I want to do. But I don't know what else I want to do. Sigh.
I think a lot of the problem is that 1. I'm not very ambitious, and 2. I enjoy most things. I like to do things well, and if someone came up to me and said "you are going to be a landscape gardener for the next five years" I'd say "fine" and study up on how to be a good landscape gardener and enjoy it. Likewise if someone told me I was going to be an accountant. I dunno. I wish I felt more of a drive towards one thing or another. I'm just doing this because it's the path of least resistance, and I feel like it's going to catch up with me at some stage.
Work sucks because I work with and for an incompetent moron. Life? Life is pretty good, everyone is in good health and other than my student loans money isn't too bad. Thanks for asking.
Redvixen..... I know how you feel; Tuesday was my day with that. I felt better Wedensday and went to work, but by the end of the day I was running a fever again. So you're probably lucky you got this on a Friday (if you get weekends off). Take it easy...
Myself, I'm pretty much recovered from that now, and EIGHT POUNDS lighter for the experience!
I had started a new position within my company in November; well, the new position went away this week. My manager dug up some alternate work for me to do at a different office and now I'm bicycle-commute distance from home (about 8 miles). If I commute enough, that should help me get my weight back down to where it should be. :)
I'm doing well on some fronts, not so great on others. For some reason, self-worth is a little low right now, possibly because I've been eating too much sugar/carbs. But apart from that, things are tickety-boo.
Oh, except my cousin Joan's husband, Brian, died on Monday, after a long and horrible battle with throat cancer. (And yes, he was a smoker. And he'd had a stroke too. Give it up now, you smokers.)
Joan, and I are very close, even though we don't see one another often. We share the same birthday, and almost the same name. Every time we see each other we pick up right from where we left off last time.
Brian was a great bloke. Here's a tribute to him. I saw more of him than I saw of Joan, because they lived in Scotland, but I ran across him a few times a year when he was in London for his job and twice had to recuse myself from cases he was involved in because of the family connection.
The elephant in the room these days is SF State next year for Daughter. In the next couple days, I have to submit the FAFSA, which the school uses to determine what package they will offer. I have the majority of the first year covered, but not all of it, and Daughter needs to get off her ass and start applying for scholarships. She is dawdling on this, and I need to crack the whip, or maybe she will end up at Portland State.
But it's stressful. Also, we owe on taxes again, even after the effort not to. I made more money than expected, which is a good thing I guess.
Wife has been chirping from the sidelines on this. She is not doing anything directly, and her input has not been very welcome. It's a stressor.
The other stressor is this flank pain I have been having. Last Spring, I went in to have it looked at, and the NP thought it was kidney stones, but the CT scan was negative. But they saw other stuff in there that was a concern, so another CT scan. I switched to a doctor, who ordered yet another, and I never got results, even after calling for 2 weeks. Never got a bill either. I became convinced that I am healthy, and that CT scans and MRI's get ordered at times to cover the doc's ass. I could see a spiral of diagnotic stuff, very expensive, and since I feel fine, I did not want to go that road.
But the flank pain has been coming back, but it is ONLY when I move, so I am convinced it's muscular/skeletal. I am getting a massage today, and the MT is very knowledgeable about tissues, so I am hoping she can do something about it. It feels like a side stitch, but again, only with movement, and only after some sort of exertion.
I am mostly ok. The burst blood vessel in my eye has still not completely gone away, and it's disconcerting every time I look in the mirror. I also find it weird that not a single person I have interacted with in the past few days has mentioned it, and have yet to decide whether that speaks to most people's sense of politeness or their obliviousness.
I started with some new clients this week, and I was pleased to discover that I have a much better sense of what I'm doing with them than I did when starting with clients earlier in the year. Which makes sense, given that learning this sort of stuff is the purpose of the internship, but it was nice to really notice that progress.
I have managed to go to the gym twice this week, which does not sound like a lot but, given the complete SAD-inspired mess that part of my life fell into during the last few months, I'm feeling pretty good about that.
And I think the longer days have given me hope that the entire stressball of my current life will unravel itself soon, that I'll be doing three mentally and emotionally draining things simultaneously only until mid-May, and I can make it to mid-May, dammit! I really can!
Well, I'm just getting over some kind of awful cold that was probably prolonged by my reluctance to do much more than lay off the hooch, take a bunch of vitamins and try to get more rest. And we're losing one of our better employees, which means that I've got to find, hire and train a new one. And I'm kinda lonely since some of my best pals moved away. And I haven't been doing a lot of bicycling lately, because I've been sick, and it's been kinda cold (not too cold to ride, exactly, but cold enough that a lot of my usual bike-and-booze pals don't want to go out), and I've been working a lot.
On the other hand, I've been working a lot because I have a rather large tattoo planned, and I'm excited about it. And it's getting warmer, and the days are getting longer, and we're getting another employee (and this new employee will specialize in young-adult programming, which means that the workload will be reduced both generally and for me personally). And toward the end of next month, I'll be taking a brief vacation to visit some folks. And I've been weeding my personal book collection, which means, among other things, a vague sense of accomplishment, and many books to give away to pals and donate to the library. And after I finish with the books, I'll go through the music, which will mean another vague sense of accomplishment, many things to give away to pals and, probably, a few things to sell over the internet (GEMM? Amazon? eBay? Any suggestions?)
Work's good, though we're moving to a fancy new building and I'm a little apprehensive about that. I like our converted warehouse in a bustling industrial neighborhood; it cheers me up to see yards full of giant pipe fittings, people scuttling around on forklifts, little welding and glasscutting shops all over the place. A green glass building by the water surrounded by other green glass buildings all chock-full of geeks just doesn't sound so appealing, though the new place will have a GYM with a POOL and a CLIMBING WALL and I guess that's some compensation.
Parents are happily settled into their sublet. I'm way envious -- it's much nicer than my place and it has a bathtub and they're in the city. I can't afford a place like theirs, but at least I can enjoy it vicariously. It'll be fun having them just an hour up the road for the next half-year.
Today is the fourth anniversary of my dog's arrival. He showed up when I'd only just moved out here and my place was all full of boxes. He ate books and clothes for nearly a year, but he's so good-natured and such good company that I had to take it all in stride, and I didn't for a second regret taking him on. He's a great dog.
I do get kind of lonely occasionally, but nothing I can't handle with a little help from my friends.
Still groggy from the (explitive deleted) telemarketing call way too early. I predict naptime soon.
Otherwise, OK. Still missing Science Girl due to incompatible schedules. There may be some movement there soon, but I can't really discuss it due to the circumstances under which it might occur.
Oh, I'm kinda bummed that the bootleg I just downloaded of Joe Strummer & The Mescaleros (with special guest Mick Jones!) has recording levels set so low that even with the volume cranked to full, I can just barely hear it. Then again it was free, so I can't really complain.
I'm feeling pretty good, thanks for asking. I'm moving tomorrow (!) but I'll be living with the little lady full-time now. We're getting FiOS installed Sunday, and then it's just a question of making our half of the 2-family house we're renting a home. As the saying goes.
I am also almost continually consumed by the desire to shake my honeymaker, all beelike.
How are you?
I like bowling even though, or maybe because, I am unspeakably bad at it.
I'm a good bowler, but not great. I think I've hit that level of skill where no one wants to go bowling with me because, hey, I'm that asshole with his own ball who actually knows technique (my one bowling friend just moved to Virginia this week). I try not to help, but it's hard, because I like helping. It's even more annoying (quoth the girlfriend) when my feedback actually helps. The other problem is they have 2 kinds of bowling here in MA; the regular kind and one with skeeballs (bocce without the grass?).
I should try to organize a bowling night, either as a MeFi meetup or with my motorcycling group, because I am JONESIN'.
I feel you, gaspode. And congratulations, Eideteker!
I'm alright. Sometimes I feel like I'm just buzzing inside a little box (made of work, school, and my boyfriend's apartment), and I can't get out. I have a new office at work and most of my files are still in boxes, the walls are bare, and things are all off-kilter. I don't like it. They are cutting windows in our office doors and the bottom edge of the window is the height of my nose. Has nobody heard of a five foot tall woman before??
I don't like my clothes. Several of them need mending or are otherwise getting old and I'm both putting off mending and feeling guilty about wanting to replace the threadbare ones with new clothes.
In the greater scheme of things - I can't complain:
Health issues are always an ..er.. issue. Currently it's kidney stones and I'll always be diabetic. And oddly enough, I'm losing my voice.
Things with the mister are great.
I'm happy Spring is just around the corner.
Life is just sailing by. Which, in a way, is kinda boring and I'd like to do something about it. But I also like the status quo and don't wanna rock the boat. Not at all sure what to do about it.
Thanks for asking, Miko! How is it in your neck of the woods?
I probably don't have much of a right to wibble about living at home for free room and board, but it's stifling, and it's that much longer that my parents won't trust either myself or my sister with anything important in our own lives.
(my sister is applying to grad schools for music, which means lots of flying around to auditions. my mother stays up until midnight worrying about whether she's booked every flight, hotel, and bus. this worry is mostly taken out on me.)
It's getting around time I should start looking at where I want to get out to, but I don't know how to spin this master's that I'm only getting to negate a truly shitty undergrad. Speaking of which, where is my damn tiny stipend paycheck?
Wow, that was a nifty snapshot of where everyone is. Thanks for asking back. I had to think about it.
Last night I picked up the newspaper, and as a subhead in some story, I saw this quote from a Zora Neale Hurston story:
"There are years that ask questions and years that answer."
What a good thought (and from one of my heroes, to boot). I'm definitely in a year that asks questions. It asks them constantly, noisily, and badgeringly. I don't have all the answers, or even a few of them, despite what others sometimes think.
On the good side, I'm elated because just a couple minutes ago I finished the budget package for the year. Maybe now I'll stop seeing Excel when I close my eyes. Also, I spent some great time this winter clearing out my house. It's really well organized and much more peaceful now.
On the lamer side, I am definitely suffering from SAD and am not even doing things I know I need to do to keep on an even keel. It's been gray skies and cold and crappy here for about a week, not a hint of spring in sight. I'm starting to feel a little stuck in my job - I'm dying to start a new graduate program, but not on this salary. And my car is limping about.
BUT I am excited to go eat some Thai food tonight. What can't chilies and lemongrass and coconut milk cure? And to watch a silly play. And to candlepin bowling tomorrow. And then, whatever comes after that.
Doing my best to remember: when life seems like it kinda sucks, consider the alternative.
My best to all of you who are feeling low or tired, and my big congratulatory hugs to those who feel happy and settled and excited and hopeful!
About as well as can be expected. I faced up to the fact that I have a serious procrastination problem, one that is negatively affecting my work in ways that my coworkers are noticing. Today, I installed a firefox plug-in that blocks my ability to visit certain websites (MetaChat is one of them - only 5 minutes every hour for Metachat), and it's really really hard - I get these urges like I got when I quit smoking. But on the other hand, I got more work done today than I have in the past week.
Wedding planning is going well, except that my mother told me that no one from her side of the family would be coming. Then, when I sent out invitations, all her family was like, "I didn't know you were getting married! Your mother didn't tell us! We're so going to be there!" and it makes me worry a lot about my mom. She's always been a bit introverted, but recently she's been stressed and depressed and forgetful, and it saddens me that she lives thousands of miles away from me, and I only get to see her and dad once a year.
Speaking of which, I really want to move closer to my family, but I can't see that happening for another year and a half, and that also makes me very sad.
It's the Year of the Rat, which means it's My Year. It's the year I'm going to get fit, get married, and (hopefully) get promoted. But at the same time, I've got to ignore the fact that I don't really like my job all that much, and I don't really like this city all that much, until MuddDude graduates and we can get out of here.
That got really long, but I loved reading all your situations and i felt compelled to share my own.
photo by splunge
photo by TheophileEscargot
photo by Kronos_to_Earth
photo by ethylene
